Page 89 of Already Home

When a voice whispered that she couldn’t truly give herself tosomeone who didn’t know the truth about her past, she ignored it. If the priceof being with Cliff was a sin of omission, then she was willing to accept theconsequences.

* * *

Serenity sliced the coffee cake and set the pieces ontopaper plates they used in the store. Jenna tasted it, fully expecting it tosurprise her, and it did. The cake was moist and the cinnamon filling just spicyenough to counteract the sweet. Even the frosting was the right consistency.

“This is great,” Jenna said. “Are you going to have themprepare this during your next class?”

“I haven’t decided.”

Despite her initial concerns, the vegan cooking classes weregoing very well. They were always full, and the baskets of ingredients sold outevery time.

Serenity looked at her. “This is exactly what I wanted,” sheadmitted. “The two of us working together. I imagined it in some form oranother. Sometimes I would think about what it would have been like if you’dgrown up as my daughter, living at the winery, always a part of things.”

While Jenna could understand Serenity’s need to have closure,she wasn’t comfortable talking about a life that had never been hers. No matterhow she grew to enjoy spending time with Serenity, Beth would always be hermother, and she didn’t want that to change.

“It would have been different,” was all she could manage for aresponse. At least the store was quiet right now and they weren’t having thisintimate conversation in front of twenty strangers.

“I had a lot of guilt,” her birth mother continued. “Aboutgiving you up for adoption. I used to wonder if I’d given in too easily. If Ishould have fought my parents harder. The past can be tricky. If I had kept you,and Tom and I had married sooner, things would have been different. I’m not surehow, but history builds on itself. Who knows where we would have gone? Iwouldn’t have had Wolf and Dragon. There would have been other children, though.An alternate universe.”

Jenna could almost understand her slightly strange logic. “Youdon’t have to feel guilty. I had a wonderful childhood. You did the rightthing.”

“Perhaps. I suppose we’ll never know.” She managed a shakysmile. “I’d always wanted a dozen children but never felt I deserved them.”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Because I’d walked away from you. I suppose it was my way ofpunishing myself.”

“I’m sorry you did that,” Jenna told her. “You’re a greatmother.”

“Guilt comes at us in different forms.”

Jenna knew that was true. She’d wrestled with her own feelingsof guilt about her marriage, wondering what she’d done that was so wrong. She’dfelt guilty about resenting how he ignored her, about accusing him of cheating,although the latter had turned out to be true. It seemed to her that a largepart of guilt was a complete waste of time.

Serenity rinsed the knife in the sink. “I wanted to come findyou so many times over the years. I kept telling myself that you had to be theone to come to us. I was willing to wait for as long as it took. Only, thingschanged.”

And speaking of guilt, Jenna thought, there it was. Slappingher on the back of the head.

She wanted to protest that it wasn’t her fault that she hadn’tbeen interested in finding her birth parents. She’d had a life and a family. Shehadn’t been looking for more.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Serenity saidquickly.

“I know.” The kicker was, Jenna really did believe her. “We’llmake new memories when I come to Napa.”

“It will be wonderful,” Serenity promised. “I can’t wait foryou to see our house. There’s a wall of glass looking out onto the vineyards.It’s beautiful and there’s a healing energy there. Wolf’s house is nearby.You’re going to love his wife. Jasmine is sweet and precious. She weaves her owncloth.”

Of course she does, Jenna thought, barely able to keep fromrolling her eyes. “That’s time-consuming.”

“It is. She buys raw cotton from some farmers we know. Insteadof a garbage disposal, Jasmine and Wolf have a pig. You’ll see their place andthe vineyards and we’ll meet the neighbors. There are so many places I want totake you.”

“I’ll only be there for a few days,” Jenna reminded her,wondering if anything about the trip was going to make her feel trapped. “AndI’ll be back. I don’t have to see it all at once.”

“I want to make memories,” Serenity told her. “As many as wecan.”

Jenna wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Or just a little bitscary.

“I’ve worked out a schedule with Violet,” she said. “The storewill be covered.”

“Are you worried?”

---