Page 71 of Their War

“Surely not!” she gasped, flabbergasted at the idea of such a thing. “True Mates are what we all aspire to. They not only complete us, filling a void within us, but they also increase our powers significantly. It’s ingrained in Ravens to seek their True Mates.”

“I don’t know about all that, but he has been avoiding me and the conversation we need to have about it,” I told her, not sure I was ready to buy into the fated aspect of this, though I couldn’t deny the draw to him that I’d felt since meeting him. Granted, I was beginning to believe in Avalonia, unable to deny that so much that had happened seemed to look just like a plan would. Almost like it had been designed, which would indicate that fate or Avalonia had a hand in everything we did.

She laid a hand on my arm. “Just give him time. I’m sure there’s something else going on other than his denial of the bond.”

“Maybe you’re right, and I’m overthinking this whole thing. I just really like him. I thought we’d had something, and to think that he might not want this relationship to continue has me all twisted up in knots.”

“Just talk to him. It’s the only way you’ll know for sure either way, and isn’t that better in the end? To know?”

“Maybe. Although I’ve never been much of a talker or one for feelings, so this may be easier said than done.”

She laughed softly. “What’s the worst that could happen? He refuses you? Even then, it’s better than being in limbo. Maybe then you can address any reasons he has for wanting to deny such a sacred bond, though I have a feeling it’s not that. Something else is holding him back, but it’s not because he doesn’t want the bond.”

“How can you be so sure?” I felt like a child asking her mother about the boogeyman, wanting to believe her more than anything.

“Despite my wayward tongue, I also notice a lot of things that others don’t. I may seem simple, but I’ve been around a lot longer than you might think. That said, I’ve seen the way he looks at you, the way he hovers close behind you, daring anyone to try anything. That’s not the look or actions of a man who wants to deny a bond.”

Thinking over her words, I could see a glimmer of hope for the first time since finding out we were mates. I wanted to believe her whether that was foolish or not. “Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe think about it tonight and talk with him when you’re not affected by the thistle milk,” she laughed.

“Sounds like good advice.” I hugged her then, hoping she’d understand just how much this moment had meant to me. Pulling back, I said, “Goodnight, Cyerra. I guess I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Bright and Early,” she agreed, departing.

Entering the room, I stared at the single bed, exhaustion sweeping over me suddenly. Changing, I debated waiting up for Brannoc for the dreaded conversation, or if Cyerra was right and I should wait until I was more sober. Laying down, I stared up at the ceiling, drifting off to sleep before I’d made a decision.

Chapter Forty One: Brannoc

Making my way back to my room, my mind swirled with the conversation I’d just had with my aunt. That felt funny to say, even if it was only in my head. I’d gotten used to being alone. Never having to answer to anyone but myself with only one friend. He’d been the only constant in my life.

I thought I had been happy with my situation, satisfied with what I had and where my life was going. But looking back now, and if I was being brutally honest with myself, I could see that I was simply complacent. Just because I’d been comfortable didn’t necessarily mean I was happy. I’d simply just been going along because it was what I knew.

Now, my life was more hectic, chaotic in a way I had never even tried to conceive. I not only had Rhowyn and her consorts, her grandfather and father now in my home, but apparently, I now had a family. I was part of the enclave again, something I would never have thought possible. It was overwhelming and had me reeling, unsure of how to react to all the sudden changes in my life.

Opening the door to the darkened room, I knew instantly that Rhowyn had fallen asleep waiting on me. My conversation with my aunt had lasted longer than I had expected. Not needing to turn on the light, I crept into the room to get ready for sleep, changing into some loose linen pants. Eyeing the bed, I decided not to climb under the covers with Rhowyn. While we’d shared ourselves and now had a mate bond, we also weren’t on very good terms right now. Looking at her sleeping form, I moved to the single chair in the room, choosing to sleep there instead of pushing boundaries that I refused to overstep.

Slumping into the wooden and rickety chair, I attempted to get comfortable and knew instantly that sleep would not be feasible, not just because of the lack of cushion. My mind whirled with emotions and thoughts as I closed my eyes, trying anyways to catch whatever shut eye I could. How did one live with such racket in one’s brain? I knew some people preferred to live with such chaos, but this was all new to me. Despite being an assassin, a profession that many would assume would lend itself to chaos, I was ordered and methodical. Every action taken was in pursuit of a goal, thought out and logical. Emotion got you killed, so I had lived my life from a distance, making every decision based on facts and logic. After living this way for most of my life, I found it even more difficult to deal with all these feelings. How did people make decisions like this? Mine were pulling me back and forth, a rowboat in the middle of an ocean during a hurricane. It was hard to tell if I was coming or going.

Perhaps if I just stuck to the facts, I might be able to parse out what was reasonable and what wasn’t. Still not ready to face my emotions on Rhowyn, I could start with my aunt.

Growing up, I had hoped for family, a sense of belonging and community that I never had, even with Arryn and his father. While I considered Arryn a brother to me now, as a boy, I’d been envious of what he’d had with his family. They were supportive and involved, whereas mine had wanted nothing to do with me after my mother’s decision to leave the enclave. Or at least, that’s what I had thought. Come to find out, my aunt hadn’t known about my mother’s passing until I’d already made it a point to disappear. The less who knew about me, the better, at least for my profession. I believed her when she told me she had looked for me immediately.

She’d said she had been devastated to find out about my mother’s passing and guilty over the fact that she hadn’t been there for me. Logically, I could understand why things had to happen the way they did. Revna had to keep the enclave and our race strong after so many blows that had resulted in our near demise. Reason said that we needed to enact laws that ensured we could again prosper. Emotionally, however, I felt angry that despite my mother having already reproduced, she still wasn’t free to pursue love with another race. She had been forced to choose between her people and her love. And look where that decision had landed her. Maybe if she had been with her people, then she wouldn’t have been there to fall prey to the bandit who’d taken her life. As angry as I was with my aunt for forcing my mother to choose, I was just as furious with my mother. If she’d chosen differently, then she would still be here, and I would have grown up with my own kind.

But then, would I have met Rhowyn? Would I have found my True Mate or even have been considered worthy by Avalonia?

I could go round and round with all the what if’s that logically made no sense in pursuing. I couldn’t change the past. I couldn’t travel back in time and make things better. Even if I could, would I? If it meant that I wouldn’t be with Rhowyn or know what a mate bond was like, would I still change things?

Unable to resist, I opened my eyes to take her in. As my eyes scanned her sleeping form, I couldn’t get over how peaceful she looked. It was in such contrast to the force of nature that she was when awake. I smiled at the thought of how she could blow into a room and everyone would immediately take notice. Hell, she’d managed to tame five men, wrapping us around her finger without a thought. As forceful and proud as she was, she still humbled herself enough to admit when she was wrong. A feat that many who were considered to be more powerful could not manage. She was kind and giving, a protector through and through. A part of me felt that she didn’t win the trials by what she’d done in the assigned tasks but how she had reacted between them, with dignity and strength of spirit that few could claim to possess.

Hell, even I. I was especially lacking in that ability, but with her, I wanted to be better, do more. I wanted to see her succeed and cut down any who opposed her. For me, she was everything I’d ever wanted and didn’t know I needed. For once, my feelings were clear. Whatever it took, I would find a way to give her what she needed, even if that meant walking away.

My heart sank with that thought. I’d withheld our mate bond from her, not telling her what had happened. Of course, logically, I hadn’t had much time alone to tell her. But the small fraction of time we did have, I had chickened out, too afraid of her rejection. I’d guarded my heart for so long, maybe it was time to trust her with it. To lay everything out there for her and let the pieces fall where they may. Either way, we couldn’t continue this way.

Soft footsteps sounded out on the walkway, bringing me to full awareness. At some point during my musings, the sky had started to lighten, soft rays cascading across the room from the skylight. A shadow passed the window, and a soft knock sounded out on the door. Standing, I moved to open the door, checking to see if the disturbance had woken Rhowyn. I’d let her sleep as long as I could, instinct telling me that she’d need all the rest she could get for what was to come.

Opening the door just wide enough to allow me passage, I exited the room and forced Cyerra to back up or be run over. “Yes?” I asked her.

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