Page 24 of Their War

I wasn’t the only one feeling the weight of everything. Arryn and Baer excused themselves and went to their rooms after the conversation became stilted. Not taking it personally, I opted to stay up a little longer when Arryn suggested I get some rest as well. My mind was too busy to even contemplate sleep, the pressures mounting up as I let my thoughts drift.

Knowing that sleep wasn’t an option, not while Brannoc was out gathering information and I worried about him, I migrated from the table to the chairs in front of the fire, choosing a plush wingback chair that enveloped me like a hug, intent on watching the flames. In Texas, it rarely got cold enough for fires, not that I had ever lived anywhere nice enough to have a fireplace. But I’d been to a bonfire a time or two when I was a teenager, partaking in the winter parties that were an excuse for guys and girls to hook up and do stupid things. Turns out, even then, I was too guarded for such events, never feeling secure enough to let myself go like so many of my peers. So now, I watched the flames dance as I let my mind wander, entranced by the movements it made.

Between winning the trials and being selected as the next Queen, the bitch that was out to kill me and my men, the mysteries that surrounded my birth and family, and trying to learn magic and understand a world I had never known existed until a couple of months ago, I had yet to really have the opportunity to slow down long enough for it all to sink in. Granted, I’d had time in the dungeons, but then, I was wearing my mental armor. I couldn’t allow myself to dive too deep into my contemplations, afraid I’d never come back to the surface. Here, though, I was safe and could rely on the men around me to pull me out should I sink too deep.

Now, while I could breathe and give my ruminations time to form, I thought about it all. Memories of what happened in the last trial threatened to overwhelm me. Being at the complete mercy of someone else, powerless in a way I hadn’t been in a long time, had left me feeling weak and unsure. Somehow, despite all my training and efforts to prevent ever being a victim again, it still happened. In the dungeons, I had found my convictions, thought I had known the best course of action, but the niggling doubts assaulted me relentlessly. I needed to face those doubts before they grew into something I could no longer control before they became the nightmares that haunted me.

The difference between the times I had been victimized before and what had occurred during this last trial was that I had known love. Known support and family. Before, I had fought just to survive, but now, I had so much more to lose, and that thought terrified me. Bringing others into a fight that was mine went against everything I believed in. All I wanted to do was protect them, cherish them for the gifts that they were. However, if they continued this path with me, traversing the unknown future that was on the horizon, they’d be in danger. And yet, the selfish part of me knew that abnegation of my consorts, despite the risk I knew they would be facing, wasn’t an option.

These men, who hours ago, had pledged their fealty to me. It wasn’t about the sex, although that was mind-blowing. It was about their faith in me that I could lead this world for the better. Even though the task felt daunting, I reminded myself constantly that I certainly couldn’t be any worse than what they currently had as the ruler of Avalon and that the men who had been selected for me would help me. Their guidance would keep me from falling on my face in failure as long as I humbled myself enough to listen. Thinking about their devotion to me, someone they hardly knew, was astonishing, and I was grateful to have them. I wanted to prove just how grateful I could be, to become the woman inside and out that they saw when they looked at me with such fidelity.

My mind switched to pondering all the ways that I could thank them. Arryn would demand an obedient and submissive expression of gratitude, Baer would consume me mind, body, and spirit, leaving me feeling beautiful and worthy. Callum would light me on fire, burning me up from the inside out with his passion. And Lennox…

As I thought about Lennox, my sadness returned. I knew he was struggling, but I didn’t know how to help him. He needed something from me, but I was oblivious to what I could do to rectify the situation. I didn’t even know what was weighing on him. Sure, initially, it had been his history with Callum, guilt at what his mother had made him do inundated his thoughts, but I had thought that they were on their way to recovering what that bitch had taken from them. So, what was eating away at him now? What could I do to make him see that his thoughts were just that? Whatever it was that he needed, I would gladly give it to him. The same as I would do for any of my men.

At first, he’d come on strong, teasing me and leaving me wanting more. But somewhere along the way, he had become a shadow of himself. Rarely cracking his jokes, barely able to look at me, he was slowly pulling away from me. From us. I needed to fix it before I lost him, but I had no experience with relationships. This was all uncharted waters for me.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours, Trouble?” Callum’s deep voice startled me as he took the chair beside me. I had forgotten that he hadn’t gone to bed with Baer and Arryn, instead taking a seat in the other chair. I had been so ensnared by the blaze before me and my own thoughts that his quietude had allowed him to slip from my consciousness.

I looked at him sadly, searching for the right words. How did one go about releasing the plaguing nature of one’s own mind without sounding insane? So, I started simply. “You know Lennox?” When he raised an eyebrow at me, I continued, “Stupid question. Obviously, you do, but I meant, you know Lennox better than any of us, correct?”

“Probably. Although I’ve never seen him struggle this much before,” Callum admitted, confirming my fears.

“Are we not good for him?” I asked on a whisper, afraid to hear the answer but needing to know. I couldn’t stomach the idea that I was toxic for one of my consorts.

“That’s not the problem. He’s simply learning how to let go of his mask for good. He’s never been able to open up to anyone, especially not after what happened between us,” he said on a sigh, frowning at the memory. His own pain over the situation was written all over his face.

“So, how do I help him?” My tone came out pleading and desperate. I needed reassurance that we could make this better, because if I couldn’t even do this, then how could I have any hope of mending what was broken in Avalon.

“I’m not sure that you can help him. This is something he needs to figure out on his own.” His words were ones I had spoken before, even about the same man. But how many times was it okay to allow someone to figure it out on their own? I let that sink in, his advice not sitting right with me. How many times had Lennox needed reassurances from me, from us, and instead, we had just left him to ruminate in his guilt and grief? I pushed to a standing position. “Where are you going?” he asked me from his chair.

“To talk to him. To let him know that he’s not alone in this. He may need to figure it out, but he doesn’t have to be alone.”

Smiling up at me, Callum stood and closed the distance between us until my breasts were brushing up against his chest. My breath caught in my throat as the desire for his hands on me, his lips on mine, consumed me. I was frozen and at his mercy.

He lifted a hand and brushed it along my face before taking my chin in a firm grasp, claiming my mouth with his. His tongue speared into my mouth, forcing me to succumb to him, and as soon as I relented, he pulled away. He looked deep into my eyes. “That’s what makes you a good Queen.” When I dipped my head to hide my blush, he pulled my face back to his. “It’s these moments that I find myself believing we just might be able to handle whatever is coming.”

“Gee, thanks, asshole,” I said, pushing back from him as he laughed at me. One look at his face, and I knew he had simply been goading me, teasing me in a way that was new for us.

“Go. Talk to him. Help him find a way through his pain,” Callum told me with a thrust of his head.

“Come with me?” I asked. “He needs to know that you’re there for him too.”

Callum looked torn, a hand going to rub the back of his neck as he tried to decide if that was the best course of action. Finally, he nodded. Taking it for agreement, I led the way. Opening a random door, I discovered a linen closet. “Any idea which room is his?” I asked Callum over my shoulder.

His broad shoulders brushed mine as he passed me in the narrow hallway. He turned his chest toward me and smirked. “This way, Trouble.”

I smiled. “Is there a reason you know which room is his?” I meant it to be teasing. I knew a little bit of their history, but I had seen no indication yet that those feelings were still there.

He just looked back at me with a smile. “There might be.” Then he winked at me. Actually winked.

I laughed softly at this new playful side to him. If I had thought he was attractive before, this other side of his personality had me wanting to climb his thick body like my favorite tree. He stopped before a door at the end of the hallway, separated from everyone else, his humor fading. I could see the hesitation on his face, so I pushed forward and opened the door, not bothering to knock.

“Lennox?” I called out into the dark room, my eyes adjusting from the warm lighting of the hallway and living area. When I didn’t get an answer, I fully entered the room, Callum on my heels as I searched for the man in question. Finding him in a chair in the corner of the room, my heart broke. He was facing a window near the bed, hunched over and looking shattered.

Approaching him slowly, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, I knelt at his feet. His eyes finally found mine, and from the light that streamed in from the hallway, I caught a glint of tears. I took a deep breath, his pain radiating into me until it was all I could feel. Gathering one of his hands in mine, I asked, “What’s wrong?”

He shrugged and turned his head away from me, pulling his hand from mine. I could feel him withdrawing from the bond. “Lennox, please talk to me,” I begged him, needing to keep him here with me.

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