Page 86 of Their War

I sat, and I waited. And waited. When several minutes had passed, I took another shot of the pure water like my grandfather had instructed. Then I waited again.

I repeated the process until eventually I had drunk the entire contents of the flask. And still, nothing happened. Surely, Avalonia would have provided enough water in the flask for me to commune with her. After all, I was supposed to be her Chosen One.

I sighed, deciding to lay back and look at the ceiling. Still exhausted, it wasn’t long before I drifted off to sleep. Instantly, I felt different. The feeling was similar to the smoke form I could now inhabit, thanks to the bond with Brannoc. Smiling inwardly in contentment at the idea that we’d finally resolved the miscommunication in no small part because of Arryn. If he hadn’t stepped in, we’d probably still be dancing around each other. I made a mental note to thank him for his dominating nature and need to control everything. In this instance, we’d all reaped the rewards from his pushy nature.

Slowly, images began to take shape in the darkness in this not-asleep, yet not-awake form. It felt like I was drifting in the wind, blowing here and there with no true destination or purpose. As I tried to focus on the images, they instantly blurred as if I was looking at them out of my peripheral vision. Deciding that there wasn’t much I could do about it, I relaxed into the journey, waiting for whatever was going to happen next. It seemed I was just along for the ride.

After what felt like hours or days or hell, it could even have been a few minutes since it seemed that time wasn’t a concept in this space, I started to hear clanging, like the sound of a metal spoon on a pan. My consciousness was instantly alert, hoping that this meant I could be done with this endless drifting.

I attempted to turn toward the sound, a dizzy feeling overwhelming me, making me feel like a child in a tilt-a-whirl at the carnival. Blurred images flashed past my vision as I tried to orient myself to the direction it was coming from with no success. No matter how much I tried to face the noises, it seemed that it was always just behind me, steadily growing in volume.

The darkness that surrounded me slowly seemed to fade from a grayish haze into a black so dark that if I had a body, I wouldn’t be able to see past my nose. I raised my arm, or what I thought was my arm, and attempted to touch my nose just to test the theory. However, my arm never connected with where I thought my face would be. Even in my smoke form, I had use of my limbs. The more I experimented with my abilities, the more I became disconcerted. If there was anything I could do about the situation, I might even have mustered up some worry, and yet, the longer I drifted, the less I seemed to feel.

I just was. No beginning, no end. I simply didn’t exist, but at the same time, I was everything. All and nothing in one single moment.

Suddenly, my stomach shot toward my throat, the sensation making me feel like I was falling, but I still couldn’t see anything. Despite the sensation, I couldn’t muster any concern. I wondered if this was what Alice felt like as she fell down the rabbit hole?

I jerked to a stop, my body colliding with a hard surface and knocking an “oomph” from me. All my sensations were back, along with my painful reality. Fuck, that’s gonna leave a mark, I thought as I rubbed my hip and shoulder, the two points that had collided with whatever this was.

Pushing up to a sitting position, the darkness lightened, but the gray fog remained. Glancing down, I caught my first glimpse of what exactly had broken my fall. I lifted my hand only to find it covered in ash. Squinting, I peered more closely because the ash felt wet, a red tinge surrounding the edges of the flakes. Unable to determine what exactly it was, I lifted my head to see what was around me.

I could hear the clanging again, but there was nothing but an endless sea of ash and whatever else. Standing, I decided to investigate the source since there didn’t seem anything better to do. I guessed communing with Avalonia wasn’t going to be an actual conversation. Instead of answers, it appeared that I was only getting more questions.

Dusting my hands off on my pants, though it did little good since I was half covered in whatever substance this was, I started walking in the direction that the clanging was coming from. At least, this time, the sound was staying steady as I headed in that direction, my thighs starting to burn at the steep incline up the hill. Maybe from the top I could see where I was or get an idea of what exactly I was supposed to do.

For some reason, I got the sense that this was another test. I could only hope that I passed, afraid of what might happen if I failed in this state, Jude’s warnings coming back to me with a flutter of unease.

As I crested the hill, I stopped dead in my tracks, a gasp of horror the only sound I could make at the sight that was now before me. A field stretched far into the distance, reminding me of when I had first come to Avalon and had paused to gaze at the castle beyond. In fact, upon closer inspection, I could see the ruins of Cashel Rí just on the horizon.

But that’s not what had tears springing to my eyes, sadness and grief threatening to send me to my knees. Everywhere, bodies lay in ashes, their forms blowing apart at the slightest disturbance to drift through the air, landing in puddles of blood.

I fell to my knees with this realization, staring at my hands covered in the blood of the dead and damned. My mind whirled with the gravity and scope of the destruction that surrounded me. Desperately, my eyes scanned for any signs of life, only finding the skeletal and burned remains of fae and nature alike, crumbling before my eyes.

I could still hear the clanging in the distance, the sound harsh in the utter silence that surrounded me, reminding me of each and every life lost. No more creatures would scuttle across the leaf-strewn ground, no more laughter would fall from children’s mouths as they played games that transcended race and creed, no more life in this godforsaken scene. Only death was my companion, hovering over me and urging me to lie down and give up my own life to the void of nothingness that had already consumed the things that I had grown to love.

Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to find a reason not to do as death wanted. I wanted to curl up in myself, squeeze my eyes shut tight so I never had to see this again, and just let everything go. Life was cruel, but death's arms offered me peace and relief from the constant fight.

What was this all for? Even if we won against Titania, there'd always be someone else who wanted to rise up and take her place, to challenge me. My life so far was the perfect example of what evils lurked in the hearts of men and fae alike. Would it ever change? This endless cycle of fighting against evil would never be won. Not truly. So what was the point of it all? Why did it have to be me? After everything I'd been through, I deserved some kind of peace, right?

Death was offering me that choice now, but despite my overwhelming need to submit to him, a small kernel inside me, that thing that made me who I was and would always be, sparked, catching fire quickly until it was a growing blaze.

I was a fighter. No matter what, that would always be my destiny. I could strain against the confines it placed on me, but I could never outrun it. My destiny. It was who I was, deep down in the core of my being, hardwired into my DNA, so that when I was faced with these choices, my answer would always be to fight. Whether with words or force, I didn't have it in me to submit to evil. And as long as evil existed, I would stand against it.

So, no, death. One day, I will walk into your embrace willingly, but today would not be that day.

As if that decision had opened my eyes, pulling away the blinders so I could focus, I finally caught movement in the distance. Across the fields of ash and blood, I could make out small figures, their movements in time with the clanging that now rang out clearly.

Pushing to my feet, I started running toward the crumbled castle and the noise, a rope of connection pulling me to the fighting. As I neared, the figures grew larger, my lungs screaming at me, the ash clogging my nose and throat as my feet pounded down on the packed dirt, swirling clouds drifting in my wake.

Finally reaching the battle, I searched for the source of the tugging sensation in my chest, realizing as I scanned faces that I was looking for my men. I pushed through the crowd of people, noting that I was weaponless in this form. Diving into my core like Jude had taught me, I searched for the core of my magic only to find the same void. I was truly defenseless, and a single glancing swing of the sword could end me here and now. Honing my focus, I scanned the crowd and dodged fighters who were evenly matched, ignoring their struggle for dominance, needing to find something. Or someone.

There. A sharp twinge shot through my core, and I pivoted to face the direction it had come from, catching sight of my men. For the second time today, I was stopped cold in my tracks.

My men were all here in their glory, blades swinging and hacking as they fought their way through the horde of guards that threatened to swallow them whole. They fought with a ruthlessness and fury that I had never seen before. Their focus and determination in battle brought to mind the legends I'd heard about berserkers, beings who lost themselves in the bloodlust of war.

A fae stumbled into me, his hands covering his gut, his intestines threatening to spill between his fingers, snapping me back into the moment. Unable to help the man, I rushed away, determined to make it to my men.

“Arryn!” I shouted, my voice barely carrying over the sounds of battle and anguish that surrounded me. He didn't turn, so I called his name again, still pushing through the crowd, which was so thick now, I was making little progress. I called for Callum, who hacked and lunged, his sword slicing clean through the neck of a guard. When he didn't answer, I yelled for the others. Not a single one of them turned to acknowledge me.

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