Page 50 of Their Trials

I found the phone that Baer had described to me, picking it up from her nightstand and pocketing it. As much as it would drain us, I felt like she would need the music on it. Baer told me how she had lost herself in the thing the other day, and it seemed like something she would need now.

She popped back into the room, wearing tight leggings, a loose shirt with the sleeves missing and dipping low to show off her bra underneath, and boots. None of what she wore did anything to hide her luscious figure, and I mentally prepared myself for a long night. She was going to test all of my self-control before we were done, I just knew it.

“Okay. Now what?” she asked, a hand going to her hip as she cocked it.

“Follow me,” I said simply, not giving her any idea of where or what we would be doing.

“Fine.” She stomped after me, rolling her eyes as we exited her room, then the suite, marching through the hallways on our mission.

I approached the door Baer had told me about, the one that had the training room Rhowyn had used to prepare for her sparring match against Lennox. It was hard to believe that had been only a few days ago, so much had happened in such a short amount of time. Even someone familiar with our customs and ways would have a hard time adjusting. I could only imagine how she was feeling now.

As we entered, Rhowyn laughed harshly and headed straight to the rack that held strips of cloth and gloves of some sort. I watched as she kicked off her boots and socks and wrapped the cloth around her hands, moving as if she'd done this a thousand times. Then she pulled on the gloves and approached the big bag hanging in the center of the room, her bare feet crossing the cushioned mat that covered most of the floor.

I pulled out the phone and held it out to her. “Here, I thought you might need this.”

She glanced at me for the first time since entering the room, her eyes watering at the sight of the small device. She pulled a glove off and took the phone from me, tapping away at it. Music tinkled from the technology before she amplified the sound using the magic her and Baer shared. Satisfied, she placed the phone on the floor and put her glove back on.

She was completely focused on the bag, her movements powerful and harsh as she began to dance around it. And yet, there was something so beautiful and mesmerizing as she hit and kicked the bag, her actions fluid and graceful in a way that wouldn't be expected.

I watched her as sweat poured from her, dripping down her chest and soaking her shirt. Her hair was plastered to her face as one song bled into another and another. Her breaths heaving with the exertion and yet, the anger remained, not going anywhere.

She stopped, her muscles shaking, and her head bowed as she gasped for air. It took me a moment to realize she was sobbing. Her tears mixing with the sweat as she kept her face hidden from my view.

I approached her hesitantly, wrapping her up in my arms as she sobbed, needing to comfort her. She was having none of it, though, as she pushed from my arms harshly, turning her back on me.

“Don't, Arryn,” she warned as I stepped closer to her again. Whipping around to face me, I almost fell to my knees at the agonized look on her face. “I don't need your pity,” she spat harshly.

“It's not pity,” I whispered, barely audible above the music that continued to play.

She laughed at me, no humor in her tone. “Then what the hell is it? Because if you can't tell, I'm broken. I'm a screw up. I couldn't even stand before the Queen tonight without flinching. I froze completely, and everyone saw it.” Her words poured from her now, anger and disgust evident in every word.

My heart broke for her then. She wasn't angry at anyone but herself. I could see the hate now. She hated herself and truly didn't think herself worthy. Of course, she'd said that before, but I hadn't realized until now just how deep that hate ran.

Not shying away, I stepped closer to her. She stepped backward, trying to escape me. “I'm not worth any of this. I don't know what to do or how to fix things. Just when I thought I was getting the hang of things, I went and screwed everything up tonight by showing that bitch just how much she'd hurt me. I let her see my fear, and now she knows. She knows.” She sobbed out the last two words, breaking completely before me.

I said nothing, just took another step, not scared or swayed. If she didn't believe in herself, then we'd have to show her exactly what we saw. A strong woman capable of anything.

She stepped away again, ripping her gloves off her hands. “I can't do this, Arryn,” she pleaded with me. “I'm not worth all this trouble. I'm not strong enough. I'm so completely out of my depth and overwhelmed, I don't even know what to do. I have no control, and it scares me. I'm so scared.”

This time, she didn’t run when I stepped toward her, her shoulders hunched in shame as she held her chin to her chest, hiding from me in a different way. Her exhaustion evident. Not a physical fatigue, but the kind that comes from always having to remain in control, always having to be the strong one, to present a front of absolute strength and power. I knew exactly what she was feeling.

“Fear doesn't mean you are weak…” I started, but she cut me off before I could continue.

“Yes, it does. I froze, Arryn. I was too afraid to do anything. I just sat there in terror as she gloated, knowing she had won.”

“That's not what I saw.” She scoffed at me. Not dissuaded, I continued. “I saw a strong woman, someone who won the first trial, facing down the person who brutally beat her just a couple of days ago. Someone strong enough to overcome all of that, something that would have caused most people, male and female alike, to hide and run away. Instead, you held your head high as you faced down the thing that scared you the most. You weren't weak, not by any stretch of the word.”

I placed a hand on her cheek gently, guiding her head to look at me, to see the conviction in my eyes. “I saw a glorious woman, who's managed to overcome everything in her life to stand before us. Who even in her weak moments dares to defy anyone who would try to break her down.”

When she remained silent, the tears streaming down her face, I continued. “You may be weak in this moment. We all have these moments, but where you differ and what makes you strong is your ability to pull yourself together every time. The way you pick yourself back up to face the world once more. Again and again, you refuse to remain on your knees. That's what I see.”

“I'm so tired of being strong, Arryn. When will it stop? When will things be easy for me?” she whispered, closing her eyes in shame at the admission.

“That's where your consorts come in. You can lean on us, count on us to help shoulder your burdens. We will always be there for you,” I reassured her, but I could tell my words still weren't getting through to her.

“How can I help you, my Chosen?”

“I don't know. That's the problem. I don't want to have to think about any of this anymore. I want to forget. I want to pretend that things are fine, but they're not. I can't escape these thoughts and feelings, which are overwhelming me. I'm drowning in them, and I can't find a way out.”

---