“I won't let you guys tie yourselves to me in that way. I can't be responsible for y'all too,” I snapped back at him, angrier at the situation more than him.
I stood up, needing to move, no longer as tired as I started to realize that they were right. But I couldn't ask this of them. If I did, I would have to stay here and abandon everyone I had left back on Earth. Those girls needed me. They had no one else.
“I can't do it,” I said to no one in particular. I paced back and forth, running my hands through my hair, not able to come to terms with all of this right now.
“We don't have to decide anything right now,” Arryn said calmly, ever the diplomat.
“But we will need you to decide soon,” Lennox pushed, not letting me run from this, the bastard.
I stopped pacing and glared at him, letting my panic, anger, and fear bleed into my eyes. “How can I be expected to make this decision? Either I abandon you guys after the trials, or I abandon those little girls back on Earth who have absolutely no one else who cares about them. They're all alone without me.”
Baer came up to my side, pulling me into a side hug gently. I let him hold me, wanting to bury my face in his chest, but I couldn't pull my eyes from Lennox's. I could see the same resignation in his, the fear and hopelessness in them.
“You think you are the only one who has to give up anything? You think this is easy on us?” Callum snapped at me, his anger evident as he spoke through clenched teeth. My eyes met his and I instinctively stepped back at the acid I saw churning in them. I'd never seen this side of him.
“No,” I whispered. “That's exactly why I can't let you guys do this. I'm not worth this.”
“Well, we don't exactly have a choice. We can't just let you die. Which you will if you enter the trials without your magic. The minute we were selected, we no longer had any choice in the matter. You need to come to terms with that and accept it. The sooner, the better,” he growled out, holding my gaze for a few moments before he stomped off to his room, slamming the door behind him.
I jumped at the noise, barely holding onto my sanity. I pushed away from Baer, unable to accept his comfort, not when I was feeling so guilty. My eyes were now watering, but I wouldn't let them see me cry. I spun on my heels and hurried as quickly as I could to my room to hide from them and the decision I knew I needed to make.
As if I had any choice, not if I wanted to survive. If I chose to go through the trials without the bonds, without my magic, I would die, according to them. If I died, I would be abandoning the girls on Earth and leaving the guys with guilty consciences. Dying wouldn't make anything better. But if I accepted the bonds and accessed my magic, I would have a chance at surviving the trials. I could save the guys from having to go through all of that, but I wouldn't be able to return to Earth to live out my days there. Sure, I could return to visit, but we wouldn't be able to stay long enough to help the girls.
I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. What choice did I have exactly? Apparently, there wasn't one. I had to accept the bonds, but it didn't mean I had to like the choice.
I threw myself on my bed and cried, sobbing as quietly as I could, sure that one of the guys was outside my door since they wouldn't want to leave me by myself for too long. Not even my mental health was worth risking my life after someone had already threatened it the other day.
I couldn't say how long I lay there, my tears having run out a while ago, but I still stayed there in a daze of shock and grief. I might not be grieving a loved one, but I was grieving the life I had tried to carve out for myself. I was once again at the mercy of others, unable to choose what I wanted and having to do what I was told. I hated it.
A soft knock came on the door, but I ignored it, unable to muster the strength to answer it. The door creaked open, Baer peeking his head through. “Dinner arrived a little while ago if you want to eat?”
“I'm not hungry,” I mumbled. Truth was, I was still starving and weak from everything, but I couldn't bring myself to move from this spot. I didn't even bother looking at him.
“Okay,” he said reluctantly and shut the door again.
I continued to lay there, dozing off and on the rest of the day. Another knock on the door startled me awake, and I realized it was dark in the room, the sun apparently having set a while ago. My stomach gnawed at me in hunger and I needed to pee, but still, I didn't move.
The door opened again, and Lennox stomped in, throwing the door open wide before shutting it behind him. He walked over in the darkness and turned on the lamp, glaring down at me.
I flinched away from the sudden brightness and glared back at him. He wasn't cowed by that look, so I sat up and threw the blankets off me. I stormed to the bathroom to relieve myself, expecting him to leave while I was in there.
When I came back out, he was still standing there, his arms crossed over his chest and glowering at me. “What do you want?” I snapped at him.
“I want you to quit throwing such a fit over something we both know isn't going to change,” he snapped right back.
“Excuse me?” I said, crossing my own arms across my chest and cocking a hip at him. If he wanted a fight, I was down for it. I could use one right about now. Anything to not feel so weak and helpless.
“You heard me. This,” he waved a hand up and down my body, “isn't going to change anything. You and I both know you have no choice but to accept the bonds. Neither of us has to like it, but it is what it is.”
I hmphed at him, not having a response to that. I just continued to glare at him. “So, what, I'm just supposed to leap in joy that I'll be stuck here? That I have to abandon those girls?”
“You think you're the only one who has to abandon their dreams?” He shot me a look like I was crazy. “I didn't realize you were that dense.”
“Really? Dense? And just what dreams will you be giving up?”
“Maybe I had hoped that with a new queen I would finally have the chance to be free. Maybe I had thought that I could find out what it would mean to live my life without the constant threat of death looming over me. Maybe I had wanted to run away at the end of the trials to live in peace.” He snarled every word at me, drawing closer with each statement until he stood directly in front of me, almost touching. If I took a deep breath, my arms would brush his chest.
His words had the same effect as if he had slapped me, throwing ice over my anger, and I deflated. I dropped my gaze and my arms, my shoulders hunching with the weight of the guilt. “See, I'm not worth all of this,” I whispered, admitting my true thoughts out loud to him.