Page 19 of Room for Elijah

Elijah read the packet of information from the cooking school’s open house while he rode the T back to the club. Back home. It was okay to think that now. Dermott and the boys had welcomed him into their family. He was fully baptized into their lifestyle, too. His ass ached sweetly, as much as it had after the first time Dermott had fucked him, the swaying of the trolley car enhanced the feeling, making him hard. Far from minding his body’s unruly reaction, he reveled in it now. He hoped he never stopped sensing a lingering effect from sex, because it was like a piece of Dermott was with him, no matter where he was. He didn’t need the plugs anymore and was pretty good at giving blow jobs—at least the others praised his efforts. Although he doubted he’d ever be able to take Dermott’s cock all the way down, he was getting close to achieving it with Rienk and Nico. It was fun trying, though.

He got off at his stop and started walking. The weather had turned hot now, but he didn’t mind. Boston was a pretty city, and taking public transportation was cheaper than a ride share. Despite Dermott’s generosity, Elijah was determined not to live off him more than necessary. Offering to pay part of his tuition had been a non-starter, as had his offer to pay rent. Dermott did accept his buying some of the groceries the way the other boys did, but the man seemed adamant that Elijah be able to save as much of his pay as possible. The guy had repeated any time money came up that he wanted Elijah to have the freedom to leave if he wanted to. It was meant to be reassuring, he supposed, so that Elijah didn’t feel as if he had to join their threesome, which was now a foursome with him in the mix. Sometimes he worried that it was a subtle way of saying that his welcome was temporary, that he wasn’t going to remain part of them forever. Elijah tried not to worry, but it was his default setting in life. That might change eventually, but he hadn’t been here for very long, and it was hard to plan for the rest of his life.

It was early yet, and the club was quiet when he arrived. Dermott had trusted him with a key to the front door, so he could come and go as he pleased. It made him feel important. His parents had never done the same, no matter how old he’d gotten, maybe as a subtle reminder that he was only welcome on their terms. He shoved the thoughts aside. That was the past and there was no point in dwelling on it. Here and now was all that counted.

A couple of the queens were rehearsing onstage. They waved at him without skipping a beat. Although he was never going to be a performer, the queens treated him like family, too. Any time he walked into their dressing room, he got a warm welcome. He’d started thinking of ways to give them light treats that were tasty but not too filling. Wanting to share his experience at the open house with Dermott, Elijah returned the greeting before looking for him in his office. The guy was nearly a workaholic. It was empty, though, so unless Dermott had gone out, that left the apartment as the most likely place to find him. Elijah raced up the back stairs into his new home, then stopped dead in his tracks. It was the giggling that he heard first. Nico’s voice in particular was high-pitched and distinctive. He thought perhaps the boys were playing, as they were more often than not. He considered joining them, but as welcoming as they had been, he didn’t want to be a pest.

There was more, though. Dermott’s deep voice came drifting down the short hallway and wrapped around Elijah’s heart. It squeezed him into breathlessness—not in the good way it usually did. The man’s presence along with the boys could only mean one thing. Swallowing back his growing misery, he quietly went down to peer into the bedroom. His new-found confidence faded with each step. The door was ajar, so he had no trouble seeing the three men, in bed, without…me. He clamped his lips shut tight in order to keep from voicing his hurt. He was good at that, after all, hard-learned lessons always lying beneath the surface of his feelings. Instead, he backed away, tore open the hall closet and grabbed his backpack. It held all that he needed, his old clothes and a few snacks. He’d filled it in case he needed to go anywhere. At the time it had seemed like overkill. Obviously, some part of him had always known that this flight was inevitable. His new stuff was in the bedroom, but he didn’t want those, anyway. That was stuff Dermott had bought him or things he’d bought with the generous pay the man had given him. He would leave with only what he’d brought with him, plus a healthy bank account. He had no compunction taking that money because he’d worked hard for it.

He didn’t even care that he slammed the door on the way out. All he wanted was to be gone as quickly as possible. He practically ran into Cutie Pie in the literal sense as he raced through the club. “Sorry.” He stepped around the queen.

Cutie Pie wasn’t having any of that. “Oh, baby, what’s wrong?” She grabbed his arm in a firm grip.

Because the queen had been good to him, Elijah took the time to answer instead of trying to break free. “Nothing. I’m just leaving, that’s all. Thanks for everything and please thank Frankie for me, too. He’s been a great teacher.” And that was all the instruction he was likely to get because he couldn’t afford the cooking school on his own, and there was no student aide. If he were lucky, someone would take him on as a dishwasher and maybe he could work his way up—but not here, not in Boston.

Cutie Pie let go of him. “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.” It was an honest answer, because of course he’d had no time to think about it in the last few minutes. And no matter how worried he’d been about having to leave Dermott and the others, he’d never envisioned a plan for the future without them. “Somewhere that isn’t Boston.” He got moving again.

If Cutie Pie wanted to say anything in response to his answer, Elijah didn’t wait to hear it. Instead, he ran out of the club and down the street toward South Station. He had to get away, and if he stopped to consider what he was doing, he feared he’d break down and cry. He should have known he wasn’t ever going to be a permanent part of Dermott’s unusual family. I did know! The sad, desperate gay boy inside him had wanted to belong so badly that he’d fooled himself into thinking he would be more than just a novelty to the others. If he was hurt, it was his own damn fault.

By the time he reached the station, he was exhausted, physically and emotionally. He stood staring at the board that had all the information about trains and buses, when they were leaving, where they were going. There were a lot of choices, and he realized with new despair that he had no idea what to do. Even leaving Boston proper seemed like a dumb, knee-jerk reaction. This was where he’d opened his first bank account and was the best place to find new work. And he’d gotten to know it pretty well. It was smaller and safer than bigger cities like New York or D.C. There would be more of a chance of finding an affordable a place to stay, too. With his head spinning from the shock and suddenness of his leaving, he couldn’t make a decision. He went to the nearest bench and sat, staring at the floor as if an answer would magically come to him.

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there. People rushed around him, but he paid them no mind, and luckily, they did the same to him. The occasional tear trickled down his cheek. He ruthlessly wiped each one away. Crying was useless, and he wasn’t the same naïve kid he’d been mere weeks ago. He was now sexually experienced, the hard part of doing stuff for the first time ever being relegated to his past, and that was a good thing. Nothing had changed his original dream of finding love and making a home. Eventually, he’d get out there and look for a man whom he could love, confident that he knew how to please someone in bed at least. As bad as he felt, he appreciated that part of his experience.

He also had money, more than he should, given the type of work he’d been doing. Dermott had been generous in that regard. And Elijah had developed better cooking skills, thanks to Frankie. He could honestly put that experience down on a job application. Frankie would give him a good reference, he was sure. Maybe Dermott would, too, but there was no way he would ask the guy. He didn’t trust himself to talk to any of them—not yet, maybe not ever. His nerves were rubbed raw. He had no idea how long it would take before he could get past this whole thing.

Never, probably.

Dismayed at his own misery, Elijah put his head in his hands, uncaring of how he looked and letting the sounds of the station wash over him. Once again, his awareness of time drifted away. Then he suddenly became aware of something. He hadn’t heard anything different, certainly not his name being called, yet somehow he knew he’d been found. Lifting his head, he saw Dermott, Rienk and Nico striding toward him. As big as he was, Dermott made the other people milling about part for him as if he were Moses. It was impossible to read the man’s expression. Rienk’s face was scrunched up as if he were in pain, and Nico appeared to be actually crying. When they arrived, Dermott sat down beside him, not so close as to touch but near enough to speak relatively privately.

Dermott clasped his hands between his legs and stared at them for a few seconds before speaking. “I have Cutie Pie to thank for us finding you. She was the one who suggested we look here.”

Hoping to stave off some cringe-worthy and horrible ‘it’s us, not you’ kind of goodbye, Elijah jumped in before the man could say more. “You needn’t have bothered. I’m fine.”

Rienk gasped in obvious disbelief, and Nico started to say something. Dermott put up a hand to stop them both. “Let Elijah speak uninterrupted. He has a right to tell us how he’s feeling and why he’s leaving…or not. I will say this, however. We assume you saw us in bed, and that’s why you left.”

With hands on his hips, Rienk tapped his toe. “We heard the door slam.”

Elijah flicked his gaze at the boy. “Sorry to have disturbed you, but I wasn’t trying to sneak out.” That wasn’t entirely true, but he held onto his pride as the only source of power he had.

“Elijah, can you please explain to us why you left?” Dermott’s tone was reasonable, which was irksome. The guy should feel as badly as Elijah did. Of course he didn’t, because he wasn’t interested in keeping Elijah with them. They’d probably come after him out of a sense of duty. It seemed like something a man like Dermott would do.

“I’m fine,” he repeated. “I have money saved up, and well, I came all the way here from the middle of Pennsylvania on my own. I think I can manage to get…” He wasn’t sure how to end that sentence, given that he hadn’t decided what to do.

“That’s not really an answer. I’m sure you can manage on your own. You are brave and resourceful.” He paused. “I’m going to take the initiative and give you my take on what happened. You came home, saw the three of us in bed and thought because we were playing without you that you don’t matter to us. You think we don’t really want you.”

“But that’s not true!” Nico cried out, loud enough that some people stared.

Dermott put his hand up again. “You’re right, Nico, but let’s give Elijah a chance to respond.”

More of those dumb tears leaked out. “What does it matter? I’m just a third wheel. Fourth wheel,” he corrected. “You were nice to me, but it’s not a forever thing. I get that now.”

“You’re wrong about that,” Rienk joined in. “Why didn’t you ask us instead of running away? I thought you understood communication is important.”

“We’re not being fair to him,” Dermott said. “How could Elijah truly know anything, no matter what we said off hand, or be up to even asking for an explanation under such emotional circumstances? I should have explained our relationship better than I did. That’s my fault, and I’m so very sorry, Elijah.”

He sniffed and made himself look at Dermott. He saw such kindness in the man’s face that he nearly broke down entirely. “Then tell me now, because you’re right. No matter what any of you have told me before, I don’t understand what happened today.”

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