Page 3 of The Awakening

I shrug my shoulders as I look at Arno, giving him a small smile as he lifts his hands in a defensive position.

“Hey, she was the one who hesitated—she could’ve if she wanted to, mate. I guess I’ve started growing on her.” Everett chuckles beside me before reeling us back in to continue the discussion.

As the three of them continue talking about me, I sit there, not fully listening, as they continue to boast about my training, along with areas that need improvement. Looking down at where my hands rest, I see Colson’s hair tie on my wrist. The seafoam-green braided band has sat there hugging my wrist since I found it on the floor of his bathroom.

I trace the braid with my fingers, remembering him wearing this very hair tie in his hair. His beautiful golden hair was expertly twisted into a bun, always letting loose a few strands that framed his face. My heart begins to ache as I close my eyes, remembering our short time together. The part of my heart that’s healing begins to splinter once again whenever I think of him. His hazel eyes, his golden skin, the way he always put me front and center of his world. My golden retriever boy ripped away from me. He was stolen and brutalized before we could even live our lives.

The splinters in my heart become shards, stabbing the inside walls of my chest, causing me to bleed out. Pain quickly turns into rage from within. My blood boils hot with the image of Cara—her Hades-like smile forever imprinted in my mind. I will kill her, and I will smile while I do it.

When I open my eyes again, I see all three men staring at me, worry etched across their faces. They’d stopped talking, but I hadn’t noticed. I was so caught up in the memories, the thoughts, the future, that I became lost in myself. My eyes drift to each of them before asking,

“What, what did I miss?” Arno clears his throat before scooting up in his chair and leaning his elbows on his knees.

“Listen to me, little one. I know you’re angry, and rightfully so. We all are. But you need to listen to me when I say going into a scenario emotionally driven never ends well. Do you remember what I told you on the plane before we got to Shem’s property?” I dig through my mind, trying to remember, but the only thing I can remember is holding Colson in my arms as the light slowly left his eyes. I shake my head, trying to get that image out of my head.

“I told you emotions get you killed. You need to learn to turn them off when it matters. Never turn them off completely, but you do need to learn to control them better.”

I look at Dean, his expression rigid, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he agrees with Arno. That would be a first. I then look to Everett, and he too, gives me a slight nod. His emerald eyes show a glimpse of understanding.

“There is a switch in the back of everyone’s mind that controls the emotional portions of our brains. You need to learn how to turn it on and off when need be.” I cock my head at Arno, not understanding his metaphor.

“How does one turn off an emotion?” I ask, genuinely curious as to how I am supposed to do that.

“You already know how, little one, you did it before you just don’t remember. Right before I welcomed you to The Shadows when we were on the plane—do you remember? You looked up at me, closed your eyes, and when you opened them, you were Sloan reborn. That’s the moment I knew you were going to become one of us. You tapped into that control. Now you need to do that again and home in on that skill.” I nod before looking down at my hands again.

“How does one practice this?” I look back up at Arno, but he glances at Dean and then at Everett. I follow his line of sight, landing on Everett. “How?” I ask Everett, his eyes on me as he inhales deeply. He then rubs his hand down his face before standing up from where he sat beside me. He places his hands in his pant pockets and walks forward, lowering his head slightly, and stops—his back to me.

“Training is not hard physically. It’s the emotional training that can break a person. It’s tapping into the deepest, darkest traumas of one’s life and bringing you to the forefront to experience it all over again. It’s throwing you into a pit of vipers and expecting you not to react.” Everett finally turns around, facing me before he continues. “It’s the hardest part of becoming a Shadow—not many people pass this aspect of training.” There is a long pause in the room as I absorb their words.

“I’ll ask you this one last time, love. Are you one hundred percent certain this is what you want?” I look up at Everett, his face unreadable as he stares down at me. His large frame is stiff and unflinching. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was holding his breath for my answer. I see the hair tie on my wrist one last time before looking back to Everett, my eyes hard and voice stern.

“I’m ready, this is who I’m meant to be.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Arno rubbing his hands together, his head nodding up and down. My eyes drift to Dean, his body slouched in the chair and arms lying perfectly on the armrests. His eyes are on mine, and I can’t tell if he’s happy, mad, sad—I don’t know what he is feeling. I guess he’s already mastered the art of turning his switch off.

Everett closes his eyes for a moment longer than expected. He hoped I would back out before this training phase began, but I’m all in, and nothing will stop me.

“Right, we start this phase of your training tomorrow.” Everett then turns around and leaves the room before saying over his shoulder,

“I’ll see you both at home. Get some rest, you’ll need it, love. Have a good night, Arno.” Then he exits the lounge and disappears down the hall without another word. What the hell have I gotten myself into?

The ride home from headquarters is quiet. Sitting in the passenger seat, I start going through all the scenarios Everett could put me through that would assist me in controlling my emotions. This was Everett’s specialty, controlling emotions in every situation you might find yourself in. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous, but I knew this was just another step I needed to take to avenge Colson and finally take back my life.

Staring out the window, I’m lost in my thoughts, then a hand intertwines with mine, and I flinch at the sudden touch. Glancing over at Dean, I find he’s still focused on the road ahead, but his firm hand in mine brings me back from the depths of my head.

“It’s going to be hard—he’s going to try to use your past trauma to break you from the inside out.” He pauses, taking a deep breath before continuing, not once looking away from the road. “This was the hardest part of training for me. They beat me, shot me, drowned me—did everything imaginable that could break a man physically. Nothing compared to the emotional aspect. I’m not saying this to scare you, I’m saying this because if you go in there blind, not knowing how truly difficult it could get, there’s no telling where your mind will take you.”

“What do you mean no telling where my mind will take me?” I’m confused and not following what he’s trying to get at. He squeezes my hand a little tighter.

“Sloan, you have a lot of traumas, more than most. What I don’t want to happen is you leave your switch turned off and never turn it back on. You are strong, and I know you’ll dominate this phase as you have with the other phases. What I’m worried about is losing who you are, losing the side of you we fell in love with. Emotions are dangerous, yes, but they’re also mandatory in molding who we are as people. Before we got you, the three of us were living in a world where our switches were permanently in the off position. You flipped that switch for us, for me. If it weren’t for you, we’d still be lost.”

“Dean,” is all I can say. I can feel the swell of tears lining the bottoms of my eyelids. Dean’s words swim through my head as I try to comprehend what he’s asking of me.

“I know you are capable of turning your switch off. I can’t imagine you going through your childhood without having to turn it off sometimes. Please promise me, baby girl, you don’t stay in that dark, emotionless pit that Everett is going to put you in. It may start to feel good not having to deal with your emotions, but I promise you, staying in that dimension will quickly become the loneliest place in the world.”

I lower my eyes to where our hands intertwine. His long fingers wrap around my small delicate ones, his knuckles almost white from the pressure of his grasp. Holding tight as if I may disappear if he lets go. This man loves me, there is no questioning that, and I love him.

I think back to the day I was kidnapped; I was walking down the sidewalk towards my hostel after leaving the café. I wasn’t being smart; I had no sense of my surroundings, and my earbuds were in my ears, I couldn’t even hear if someone was approaching me. I was so naïve back then, a dumb young woman thinking she could take on this world all her own. Waking up that morning, I never imagined I would be bashed over the head and thrown into the back of a typical kidnapper van. Oh, how things have changed.

“I promise,” I say in a whisper, reassuring Dean I wouldn’t stay in the dark forever. I no longer want to be a victim, not now, not ever. Dean raises our hands to his mouth and kisses my fingers one by one. His warm lips linger on each one as my skin heats from his touch.

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