Page 49 of Home With You

"Then what was it?"

"A gift for you being nice to me."

"I was nice to you?"

He chuckles. "You sound surprised. Are you normally not nice?"

"I am to some people, but I wouldn't say I've been that nice to you."

"Sure you have. You had coffee with me. Dinner. You helped welcome me to town. For all that, I had to give you at least a small thank you gift."

"If you say so, although I'd say your standards are pretty low."

"My standards are high, actually, especially when it comes to people."

I don't know what he means and I don't want to ask. I take the backpack off and set it on the floor. "What's in here?"

"Open it up and see."

I unzip it and find beef jerky, candy bars, peanut butter, a squeeze bottle of jam, a jar of nuts, and other food that doesn't go bad.

"You bought me food," I say, zipping up the backpack and standing up.

"Just some snacks for when I come to visit."

"That's not why," I say, getting angry. "You got me food because you feel sorry for me. And you know what I hate more than anything?"

"People feeling sorry for you," he answers. "Pitying you. Looking down on you."

"Exactly." I kick the backpack. "So take the stupid food for yourself. I don't need it."

"Really? Is that why you search the garbage every day? Because you don't need food?"

"Fuck off," I say, yanking open the door. "I'm leaving."

"Raine, wait." He stands behind me. "If you don't want the food, I'll take it back. I'm not making you take it. I'm giving you the choice. I don't feel sorry for you. Or pity you. What I feel bad about is your situation and whatever got you into it." He pauses. "I don't know what happened but I know you're strong and smart and trying to figure out how to get back on your feet. You may have lost everything but you haven't lost your right to make decisions. Taking that food is a decision. That's all it is, Raine. Take it, leave it. It's up to you."

I go back inside, close the door, and turn to face him. "But that's the problem."

"What?"

"I don't trust myself to make decisions, not even with something as simple as whether or not to take a few candy bars and some beef jerky."

His brows draw together. "Why? Why don't you trust yourself?"

Looking down, I say, "I made some bad decisions."

"It's okay to make bad decisions. It's how we learn. We're given choices every day. Sometimes we make the right choice, sometimes we don't. That doesn't mean we stop making them."

I hadn't thought about it that way. I thought things were just happening to me and I wasn't making decisions but I guess I've been making them this whole time. Choosing to live in that alley. Taking care of Gladys. Deciding to fend for myself instead of beg. Those were all my decisions and they were actually good ones, or as good as they could be given my situation. So maybe I CAN make good decisions, but I still don't trust myself when it comes to letting people into my life. I told myself Gladys would be it. I wouldn't let anyone else in but her.

Miles picks up the backpack. "Do you want it or not? I'll take the food out if you don't want it."

"I want it. Although I don't know what I'll do with all that free time not spent searching the garbage." I half smile.

"What do you like to do?"

"Like for fun?"

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