Page 137 of One Night

"How's Britt doing?" I ask, but I already know she's not doing well. I talk to her every night and she cries almost every time.

"She's having a difficult time accepting it. I think she'd rather have your father and I together fighting than to have us apart, but then again, that's all she knows."

Britt's earliest memories were at a time when my parents were growing apart so she's used to their fighting. She doesn't remember the good years. She was too young.

"So how is Dylan?" she asks.

"We're kind of taking a break right now."

"Things aren't going well?"

"They are, I mean, they were, but I needed some time alone to deal with this. The divorce."

"Honey, I'm sorry. I hate what this is doing to you girls, but remember it's only temporary. When it's all over, things will get better."

"Maybe, but I'm still struggling with how this all happened, like when it started and why. I know that's between you and dad, but I'm having a hard time accepting this without an explanation. You and Dad used to be so in love. I remember how he used to bring you gifts for no reason. How he used to always hold your hand and kiss you the second he got home from work. So how does that just end? Until I understand that, I don't know if I can keep dating Dylan."

"What does this have to do with Dylan?"

"I love him. I love him so much that I could see a future with him. But I'm afraid to be with him knowing we could end up like you and Dad. I don't want that. The fighting. The hate. I don't want that with Dylan. Even if it doesn't happen for years, I'm scared of the possibility and it's keeping me from being with him."

There. I said it. I was totally honest. I wasn't going to tell her that because I didn't want her feeling guilty about what the divorce is doing to me. She's already hurting enough and I didn't want to add even more hurt, but I really need an answer and she's the only one who can give it to me.

"If I tell you something," she says, "can you promise to keep it just between us? I don't want your sisters knowing this."

"Yes. I promise. I won't tell." I'm feeling nervous, wondering what she's going to say.

"I never wanted you girls to know this, but I also don't want what's happening to your father and me to affect your future relationships. I want you to be happy, and if Dylan is the boy for you, then I don't want anything to ruin that."

"So what are you saying?"

She sighs. "Years ago, back when your father was traveling a lot for work, I got lonely. There was a man. A man who worked at my office and we...well, we went out a few times, and one time, things went too far."

"You cheated on Dad?" My jaw practically drops to the floor. My mom is the last person in the world I would ever think would cheat.

"I didn't mean for it to happen," she says. "It was just one of those things that happened in a moment of weakness. Your father kept promising me he'd cut back on the travel but he didn't and it was making me angry. I worked full time and had to be a single mother and take care of the house. It was all too much. So when this other man paid attention to me, listened to me, offered to help in any way I needed, I felt cared for. Appreciated. Like someone finally understood what I was going through. It was wrong, and I knew it was wrong right after I did it but by then it was too late."

"How did Dad find out?"

"I told him. I couldn't live with the guilt so I told him and we ended up going to counseling. But it didn't help. Your father was too angry with me. He couldn't forgive me. And to get back at me he...."

"Cheated on you."

"He said it only happened once but I don't know if that's true. Honestly I think it went on for a couple months. Anyway, after that we discussed divorce but both decided to stay together for you girls. Looking back, that was probably a mistake but it was the decision that seemed right at the time."

I take a deep breath as I let this sink in. My mom cheated. And so did my dad. I never in a million years would've guessed that's what sparked all those years of fighting. I guess I don't know my parents as well as I thought I did.

"We tried to get back to the place we were at before," my mom says. "But we just couldn't do it. There was no trust left. No respect. And eventually, no love."

"If it hadn't happened, do you think you'd still be in love?"

"It's hard to say. I'd like to think we would, but other things could've happened to drive us apart. Your father and I were never good at communicating. Whenever I wanted to talk about serious issues he'd shut down, and that's hard on a relationship."

Dylan doesn't shut down. He's always open with his feelings. I'm more likely to shut down than he is, which is something I probably get from my dad.

"Amber," my mom says, her voice soft but stern. "Don't let the divorce affect your relationship with Dylan. I know it's easier to push him away until you've accepted this and dealt with it and feel like you're in a better place, but this is the time when you can really test your love for each other. If he's willing to stick by your side through something like this, then chances are you can get through most anything. So don't push him away. Let him be there for you. Let him show you how much he cares."

I nod, even though she can't see me.

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