Page 136 of One Night

"It does. Saying it out loud always makes it more real. When it's in your head, it's just a thought, but when you tell someone, it's out there. It can't be taken back. And that makes it more real."

I look at him. "Like when I said I love you."

He smiles. "Yeah. Kind of made it more real, right?"

"A lot more real."

"I feel the same way. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell you that. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be real." He pauses. "You're not the only one afraid of this, Amber. I'm afraid of it not working out too. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid you'll leave me like you did last time. But I'm willing to risk it to be with you. That's how much I love you."

Tears fall down my cheeks. "Stop it. You're making me cry." I wipe my face and take a deep breath. "We should probably get out of here or Mary really will think we're doing something."

He goes to open the door but I stop him.

"Wait." I hold onto his arm.

"What?"

"What's the deal with um...Carrie? Are you two..." I don't finish, not wanting to say it.

"Going out?" When I don't answer, he chuckles. "No. We're just having lunch. But it's good to know you're jealous."

"So jealous I almost got sick. That's why I had to go to the restroom."

He lifts my face to his and looks me in the eye. "There's nothing to be jealous of. You're my girlfriend, not her. And I'd never cheat on you."

"I'm still your girlfriend?"

"Aren't you?"

"I want to be. I just wasn't sure if you were okay with that, given that we're kind of on a break."

"You're still my girlfriend. And it's not a break. It's just some time for reflection."

I smile. "Reflection. I like that. I'm reflecting."

"Just don't reflect too long. I miss you."

He gives me a kiss, then opens the door and we go back to the office. I feel better after our talk but I still need to figure things out in my head. I know I want Dylan. I just need to get to a place where I can give him my heart without worrying about the fallout that would occur should we ever break up.

That night, I really miss Dylan and want to be with him, but I resist calling him and instead sit in my room and make a list of all that I'm afraid of when it comes to him. And it turns out, everything on my list are things that happened to my parents. Falling out of love. Breaking up a family. And the pain and heartache of losing the one person you thought you'd have forever with.

The list confirms that it's the divorce that's holding me back from being with Dylan. My parents' divorce, and years of watching them fall out of love. I thought it might be more than that but it's not. It all comes back to my parents and what I witnessed all those years they grew apart. The fighting. The hurtful comments. The separate bedrooms. It all affected me more than I was willing to admit. I think that's also why I sought out the fairy tale for so many years. The dream of a happily ever after. I wanted the opposite of what my parents had.

I spend Friday night and all day Saturday thinking about this. I don't talk to Dylan, but Saturday night, I go with Kira to hear his concert. When he sings One Night, I start crying, which happens every time I hear it because I still feel terrible for hurting him that night last May. Other girls are crying too because Dylan sings that song with so much emotion. And hearing the emotion in his voice makes me even sadder because I know that emotion is real. The sadness I caused him when I left that night is still there.

After the concert I don't stick around but I do text Dylan and tell him he did a great job, as always. He texts me back and thanks me for coming but doesn't ask if he can come over. He's giving me space, like I asked, and I appreciate that. He really is the best, most understanding boyfriend I could ever ask for.

The week goes by and I don't see Dylan at all. We text a few times but that's it. He doesn't call or stop over and I'm starting to wonder if he's given up on me. If he's tired of my indecisiveness and wants someone who can commit to him. I want to be that someone, but right now I just can't. My emotions are too wrapped up in what's going on with my family, trying to accept the loss I feel over my parents splitting up. Trying to figure out why this happened. Why they fell out of love. I know it happens all the time, to everyone, but I'm finding it hard to accept with my parents because I still remember the years they were in love. Their love was real and strong and something I wanted for myself someday, so how did it just end?

Friday at work, Dylan isn't there but Carrie is and she sits at his desk, using his computer. She tells me Dylan had car trouble and probably won't be coming in. Given our lack of communication this week, I guess I'm not surprised Dylan didn't tell me he wouldn't be there, but it's still depressing that Carrie knew where my boyfriend was but I didn't.

On Saturday morning, my mom calls to check in. We haven't talked for a while because she's been so busy dealing with all the stuff you have to do when you get divorced. And I've avoided calling her because I don't want to hear her rant about how much she hates my dad.

"How are classes going?" she asks.

"Fine. How's everything going there?" I hold my breath, hoping she doesn't start in about my dad.

"It's been hard," she says, sounding sad. "But we'll make it through this. It'll just take some time to adjust."

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