Page 69 of Holding On

She scoots away from me and covers herself with the sheet.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I don't like it when you get this way."

"What way?"

"When your mood changes like that. One minute you're fine and then suddenly you get really angry."

"It's because of my leg, not you."

"I still don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable."

I sigh. "Becca, I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it anymore. And if I do, you can call me on it like you did just now." I reach for her. "Now will you come back over here?"

"I need to do some cleaning."

"Nobody's going to know if you cleaned or not, except for me, and I'm the one telling you not to. Now get over here."

She lies beside me, her warm body pressing against mine.

"God, you feel good," I say, wrapping my arms around her. "Can you just stay here every night? Maybe I'd finally get some sleep." I chuckle but it's not funny. I haven't slept a full night since before the crash.

"You don't sleep?" she asks.

"Not more than a few hours."

"Because of the accident?" she asks softly.

How did she know that? How did she know it still haunts me? I try to hide that shit. Act like everything's fine. Like I'm over it.

"Maybe you should talk to someone. Like a counselor."

"I don't need a fucking counselor," I say, my jaw tightening.

"You're doing it again." She looks up at me. "You're getting angry."

"Sorry. I just don't like counselors. I don't like talking to people about it."

"What about me? Could you talk to me about it?"

"There's really nothing to say. It happened and I can't go back and change it. I just have to live with it."

She sits up, resting on her forearm. "Ethan, there's nothing you could've done. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident. That guy had too much to drink."

"Which is why I should've stopped him. Jason was one of my best friends." I stare up at the ceiling. "And I let him drive. I knew he'd been drinking and I let him drive."

"You couldn't stop him. He was already behind the wheel and you were in the back seat."

How does she know all that? She must've read the papers. They went into detail about the accident, including how Kasey was impaled by a tree branch. They didn't mention how she saved my life, probably because they couldn't prove it. But I was there, and I know for a fact Kasey saved me that night. Her body protected me. And yet I don't feel lucky. I feel sick, knowing she died because of me. Because she was on my lap instead safely belted in her seat.

"I don't want to talk about it," I say.

Becca lies back down. "If you ever do, I'm always here. Sometimes just saying stuff out loud can make you feel better."

But I'd rather keep it inside where it belongs. It's my own hell to deal with, not anyone else's.

"So..." I kiss her. "What should we do now?"

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