Page 47 of Holding On

"Now I'm an investment that went bad. He's hoping his investment will recover and go on to make him millions of dollars but if it doesn't—if I'm not able to play again—then he'll cut me out of his life. Pretend I don't exist."

"That's a lot of pressure."

"Yeah."

I feel her looking at me but I can't look back. I bared my soul just now and I'm afraid to see her expression. I'm afraid of what she thinks of me after I told her all that.

"I did the same thing," she says.

Her statement intrigues me and I force my eyes back to hers. Her expression is one of understanding, not judgmental in any way. My heart rate slowly returns to normal and I feel a calmness come over me. I'm relieved she didn't ask me to explain myself even more. It was hard enough saying what I said. I don't want to be questioned about it. I'm still not even sure why I said it. Maybe because I sensed that she wouldn't judge me. That she's not that type of person. And that maybe she'd understand. From her comment, it sounds like maybe she does.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"After my mom left, I did whatever I could to get her attention, hoping it would make her come back to us. At first, I thought maybe it was my fault that she left. That maybe I wasn't a good enough daughter. So I started doing everything she used to tell me to do before she left. I cleaned my room. Did the dishes. Practiced piano, even though I hated piano. I wore my hair the way she liked it instead of the way I liked it. But it didn't matter what I did because she wasn't there to see it. And even if she were, it wouldn't have made a difference. She was never coming back. It wasn't about me. It was about her. It took a long time for me to realize that and to realize that I can't change her. I can't make her think differently. I can't make her be a mom if that's not what she wants."

She's exactly right. You can't force people to be what you want them to be.

Like my dad. I can't change him, so why do I keep trying? Why do I keep doing this to myself? He's never going to change. No matter what I do. No matter how successful I become, he'll never be the father I want him to be.

---