Page 172 of Holding On

She takes my hands and I help her up. "What are we doing?"

"We're going to talk."

When we're back in my apartment, I tell her things I haven't told her before. About the nightmares, the flashbacks, the guilt I still hold onto. Then I tell her about the first call I got from Kasey's mom, then the one I got just this morning.

"I don't know what to do," I say to Becca, referring to the remembrance service. "I feel like I should go but I don't know if I can."

"Would it help you to go? Or are you only going because you think you have to?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. I really don't."

"I can't decide this for you, Ethan, but if you go, I'll go with you. If you want me there."

"You'd really do that?"

"Ethan, I told you, I'd do anything to help you get through this." She pauses. "Would doing this help you say goodbye?"

"Yeah." I nod. "It would."

"Then do it. You need to tell her goodbye."

"But what if it ends up making everything worse?"

"It won't. I think you need this, Ethan. You need to say goodbye to them. Not just Kasey, but Jason and Lyndsay too. You were in the hospital during their funerals so you never got to say goodbye. I think that's a big reason why you haven't been able to get past this. The last memory you have of them is from that night. You need a new memory. One where you remember them being celebrated for their lives. That's what this service for Kasey will be."

I nod, because I think she's right. "So I guess we're going to Indiana."

"What about Jason? Do you know his family?"

"Yeah. They live a few hours from here. I went home with him a few times."

"And you haven't talked to them since..."

"No. I think they were afraid to call me. And I was afraid to call them."

"We could go there. You could call his parents and we could drive there and see them. Do you think they'd be okay with that?"

"They'd probably be happy about it. In fact, I should've done it before now. I should've at least called them."

"You weren't ready to. But I think you are now. And I think it'd be good for you, and his parents. What about Lyndsay?"

"She's from Nebraska. I don't know that much about her. And I've never met her family."

"I could track down their number and you could call them."

"I don't know what I'd say."

"You tell them their daughter was a friend of yours and then you offer your condolences. It doesn't seem like much but it'll give you closure. And I'm sure her parents would appreciate it."

"What if they blame me for what happened? What if they're mad at me for surviving instead of their daughter?"

"Ethan, nobody blames you." She looks me in the eye. "And nobody, not a single person on the face of this earth, is mad at you for surviving." She squeezes my hand. "Except you."

I feel a tear run down my face, and then another. Crying is something I almost never do, and definitely not in front of anyone.

"Ethan." Becca wraps her arms around me and I hold onto her as more tears let loose. I don't bother trying to hide them. With anyone else, I would, but not with Becca. She's the only person I trust to see me like this. Exposing my pain. My hurt. My guilt.

Opening up to her was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it felt damn good. I no longer have to hide everything and hold it inside. I can let her see it. Let her help me. Let her love me, as much as I love her.

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