Page 169 of Holding On

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Ethan

I've been back with Becca for a week now and things are better than ever. As hard as it was to be apart from her all those weeks, I needed that time to get my shit together.

When I first met Becca, she was a glimmer of light in my darkness. I craved that light, but whenever she wasn't with me, it would go away. And when she left for good, it was gone.

I realized then that I couldn't rely on her for that. If I wanted to be with her, I had to find my own way out of the darkness. Becca gave me hope that things could eventually get better but I had to get there by myself. I know that frustrated her because she was so desperate to help but what she doesn't understand is that she did help me. If she hadn't shown up in my life, I'd still be consumed with guilt, unable to move forward.

I still struggle with the guilt and the pain and the loss of my friends, but I'm a lot better than I was. I've been confiding in Mike since that day he came over here and he's really helped me. When we first met, I thought the guy hated me for dating his sister, and he probably did, but now it's almost like we're brothers.

Mike is such an inspiration. He's been to hell and back. The things he's seen—shit, I can't even imagine. And yet he's so damn positive. Whenever I'm feeling sorry for myself, I just think of Mike and what he's been through and what he's lost, and I realize how lucky I am.

As for sharing things with Becca, I'm still not there yet. I've talked to her a little about the accident and how I've struggled to move on, but I haven't told her everything. I haven't even told her about Kasey's mom calling me that day. That phone call still haunts me. I can still hear her crying.

My phone rings and I stare at the number, my heart pounding. It's her. Kasey's mom. Did she know I was thinking about her? Why is she calling? Why won't she leave me alone? Things are going so well. I can't do this again. I can't keep reliving the accident.

"Hello," I answer.

"Ethan, it's Lisa. Kasey's mom."

"Hi." I clear my throat.

"Sorry to call again, but I thought you'd like to know that we're having a special remembrance service for Kasey this weekend. Next Saturday would've been her twenty-first birthday and we wanted to do something special, so some of her high school friends organized this event to remember her. It'll be here in Indianapolis, so I understand if you can't make it, but I wanted you to know."

Why is she telling me this? If she doesn't expect me to go, she wouldn't have called.

I hate this. The never-ending guilt. I've been trying to forgive myself, not blame myself for what happened, and now I feel guilty again. Like I'm a bad person if I don't go to the service.

I know I should go, but I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can be surrounded by photos of Kasey looking happy and smiling and full of life, hearing what great a person she was, being surrounded by all her friends who'll be looking at me as though her death was my fault. The guy who didn't buckle her in her seat. The guy Kasey saved with her life.

Lisa's waiting for me to say something. I can't promise her I'll go so I say, "I'll think about it. I'm not sure if I'll be able to be there."

"I understand. I don't expect you to. But maybe you could keep Kasey in your thoughts on Saturday."

"Of course. I definitely will."

"Thank you, Ethan, for thinking of her. Goodbye."

She hangs up before I can tell her goodbye. I think she was on the verge of crying again so she hurried off the phone.

She's still suffering. Drowning in her grief. She probably will be for years to come.

Guilt comes flooding over me again, filling me with anger, loss, regret.

"Hey." I look up and see Becca walking in. She's been staying here at my apartment all week. I'm thinking of asking her to move in but I know she'll turn me down. She's not ready for that yet. She'll say it's too soon, and maybe it is. I'm still trying to work on myself, and after that call just now, it's clear I still have more work to do.

One call from Kasey's mom and I feel like shit.

Becca drops a sack of groceries on the kitchen counter, then joins me on the couch, sitting on my lap and giving me a hug, then a kiss.

"I got everything for dinner," she says, smiling. "Did Jackson say what time they're coming over?"

Jackson and a few of my other teammates are coming here for dinner. My apartment has some grills outside for the tenants to use so we're having a cookout. It was Becca's idea. She's trying to get to know my friends. I think she's also doing it because she wants me to be more social. She knows I still struggle sometimes and she worries I'll go back to isolating myself from my friends, which is exactly what I feel like doing right now. I don't want to be around anyone.

"I think he said seven," I tell her.

"That'll work. I got burgers to grill and I stopped at The Chicken Shack and picked up some sides. Max said to tell you hi."

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