Page 16 of Holding On

"Yeah. My mom hired her to come once a week."

I actually really liked Lois. Maybe that's odd to say about your cleaning lady but I thought she was nice. I liked having her around, which is a shock, because since moving in this house, I haven't wanted anyone to come over. But after Lois got over her initial nervousness, she had a calming presence. She reminded me of one of those moms who bakes cookies and waits for you at the school bus. I never had that kind of mom.

"So what about next weekend?" Jackson asks. "What can I do to change your mind?"

"Sorry, bro, but I'm gonna have to pass."

"Fine, but I'm coming some other weekend."

"Sounds good. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Yeah. See ya."

Later that night, I regret telling Jackson not to come. I seriously need some social interaction and yet I can't seem to make myself do it. Since the accident, I haven't felt like doing much of anything, even hanging out with friends. A few have come to town this summer but I made excuses for why I couldn't see them, like I did with Jackson today.

Maybe I'm depressed, or still mourning the loss of Jason, who was one of my closest friends. Who the fuck knows what's wrong with me? But I'm not talking with some shrink to figure out why. Whatever's wrong with me, I'm sure I'll get over it. It just takes time.

When Saturday comes, I spend the morning lifting weights, working my upper body. The rest of the day I watch TV, falling asleep on the couch and missing dinner.

On Sunday, I wheel myself out to the backyard. It's bright and sunny and I've heard sunshine can make people feel better. But as soon as I shut my eyes to block the harsh rays, I see images flashing in my head. Kasey's body flying out of my hands. The splatters of blood. The twisted metal.

"No!" My eyes pop open and I see my arms reaching for Kasey. I quickly put my arms back at my sides and glance around to make sure no one saw me. Nobody did. The back yard is surrounded by an eight-foot-high privacy fence.

When will this end? When will I stop having the memories? What if it never stops? What if the images haunt me for the rest of my life?

I wheel myself back inside to the living room and watch TV. It's the only thing that keeps my mind off the accident, and my leg, and the uncertainty of my future.

How did this happen? If it weren't for that night...if I'd just taken Jason's keys...they'd all still be here.

Jason had planned to stay in town for the summer. He was going to be my roommate. We were going to spend our days at the gym and our nights going out. It was gonna be a freakin' awesome summer. And in the fall, we'd be back on the team. Our last season of college ball before going pro.

But it's all changed now. I live alone. I don't go to the gym. I don't go out. And as for my football career? Who the hell knows?

One night. One poor decision. And my whole fucking life changed.

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