Page 148 of Holding On

She takes them from me and mutters, "Thanks."

"Can I come inside?"

She sighs. "Just say what you need to say. I have to get to work."

"Okay, well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for telling you to leave yesterday. I just needed some time alone but I could've handled it better. So, I'm sorry."

She looks at me like she's waiting for me to continue. When I don't she says, "Anything else?"

"Not really. I hadn't heard from you so I assumed you were mad at me and I wanted to apologize."

"You're an idiot, you know that?" She turns and walks away, setting the flowers on the kitchen table. I start to come inside but she stops me. "You're not staying."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to see you. And because I have to get to work."

"You don't have to leave for a half hour."

"Doesn't matter. I still don't want to see you." She motions to the door. "Leave."

Shit, she's really mad.

"Can't we talk about this?" I ask.

"Talk about what? About the fact that you refuse to open up to me? Refuse to accept my help?" She starts talking with her hands, waving them around as her voice rises. "Or should we talk about how you change from nice Ethan to asshole Ethan within seconds with no explanation? Or maybe we should talk about how you've kicked me out of your house not once, not twice, but THREE times! Or we could talk about—"

"Yeah, I get it. You're pissed. So what do I need to do?"

"Seriously? You think it's that easy?" She goes to the door and holds it open. "Just get out. And don't call me."

"Becca, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have told you to leave. I won't do it again. I promise."

"Yeah, right. Like I haven't heard that before?" She rolls her eyes.

"I mean it. I promise, it won't happen again.

She looks at me, her arms crossed over her chest. "So why'd you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Why'd you tell me to leave?"

"Because I needed time to think."

"About what? Why were you so upset?"

I take a breath. "I don't want to get into it."

"See?" She throws her hands up. "This is what I'm talking about! You refuse to open up to me. I'm your girlfriend, Ethan. You should be able to talk to me."

"I do. I talk to you all the time."

"Not about what's bothering you. I've told you things I've never told anyone else. Not even Mike. I trusted you, Ethan. But you won't do the same for me. So how can we have a relationship?"

I don't have an answer. I want to tell her why I'm struggling but I can't, because part of it involves her and I need to sort it all out in my head before I can talk to her. And right now, I don't know if that'll ever happen. I'm too confused. Too guilt-ridden. In too much pain.

That call from Kasey's mom really fucked me up. I keep thinking things will get better, that I'll be able to move past the accident, but I can't. It just keeps coming back to haunt me. And it hurts. It hurts so damn bad.

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