Page 144 of Holding On

"I'm keeping that to myself for now. Just know that it's big. We're talking a major contract. And then there's the endorsements. I'm already hearing rumors that at least two big endorsements could be coming your way."

"Why the sudden interest?"

"Because you've got a story. Everyone's calling you the comeback kid. You survived a major car accident and now you're back in training. After what happened, you could've taken a different path. Got hooked on pain pills. Alcohol. But instead you kept clean. Companies love that, and you've got the talent and good looks that sell products. You're going to be a very rich young man, Ethan."

That should make me happy. Freaking over-the-top happy. But instead I feel sick. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of it. The money. The endorsements. The fame.

Three people are dead. Three people I could've saved. They'll never be able to live out their dreams. And here I am living mine, about to make more money than I could ever spend.

How can I feel good about that? How can I feel happy? All I feel is guilt, weighing me down, filling me with anger.

"I have to go." I quickly gather my crutches and stand up.

"Ethan, what are you doing?" Coach stands up. "Where are you going?"

"I have something to do. Are we done here?"

"Um, yes, I suppose that's all. I'll call your father later today with the news."

"No. Don't. I don't want him involved in this."

"But he keeps asking me—"

"I don't care. Don't answer his calls. I'm sure he already knows they're talking about me. He's probably already calculating his commission."

"Ethan, wait." Coach holds the door open for me as I go in the house. "Aren't you happy about this?"

"I am, I just...I can't talk right now."

"But I'll see you at the gym tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah." I go down the hall to my room and shut the door. Tossing my crutches aside, I hop on one leg over to my bed. I lie down, staring at the ceiling, and the damn memories come flashing back. I see Jason on the field, then in the locker room, acting like an idiot. He was always joking around, making people laugh. He was a good person. Honest. The type of guy everyone likes. And he was in love. He was going to propose to Lyndsay. He had his whole life planned. He should've been able to live it but now he can't, because I didn't stop him from driving that night. Why didn't I stop him?

"Fuck." I squeeze my eyes shut and rub my palms over my face, trying to get rid of the memories, but they remain there, along with the sound of Kasey's mom quietly sobbing on the phone.

How can I do this? How can I go on and live a life filled with fame and fortune when I don't deserve it?

There's a knock on the door. "Ethan?"

It's Becca. What's she doing here? She said she wouldn't be over until tonight.

"Ethan, can I come in?"

I don't want to see her. Not now. I need to think. Not only about my life and my career but about Becca. I don't know what I'm doing with her. She's kind, generous, loving, beautiful, thoughtful, and a thousand times better than me. I don't deserve her.

But I love her. I tell myself I don't but the truth is I do. So if I love her, why am I dragging her into this? Into the dark chaos and confusion that is now my life? It's not fair to her. Am I just being selfish? Keeping her around because I don't want to let her go?

I'm so damn confused.

"Ethan?" She opens the door enough to see me sitting on the bed. "There you are. I wasn't sure if you were in here." She smiles and comes over to sit beside me. "Why didn't you say something?"

"I guess I didn't hear you." My heart's pounding and my breaths are short and shallow. I'm still stressed from that call, and then coach showing up here.

"What are you doing here?"

She laughs. "I came to surprise you. Is that a problem?" She climbs onto my lap and kisses me.

I want to kiss her back but I can't. It doesn't feel right. I'm too on edge. Too overwhelmed. I need time to process all that's happened this morning and I can't do it with Becca here.

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