Page 137 of Holding On

Chapter Twenty-Four

Becca

Ethan shut down again. He's been doing that a lot lately. A few weeks ago, I thought we were making progress. He told me about that call from Kasey's sister and opened up to me about the guilt he still feels over what happened that night. But since then, he hasn't told me much. Whenever the topic of the accident comes up, or anything related to it, he shuts down.

He's just like Mike that way. I can't even ask Mike a question about the night he lost his leg. He shuts down whenever the topic comes up, like Ethan did just now.

"I missed you last night," Ethan says, leaning in to kiss me as his hand grips my ass, sliding me closer.

"Ethan, there are people right outside."

"Who are drunk off their asses and don't give a shit what we're doing in here."

"But—"

He quiets me with his lips, then his tongue, as his hand slides up my thigh, under my dress.

So I guess we're done talking. Ethan was right. We can't just talk when we're in bed together.

We do it, but keep it quick, then go back out to the party. People are now paired up, making out on the patio and on the lawn furniture. There's a girl for every guy and it makes me wonder if Jackson planned that or if it just worked out that way.

Cami is with Jackson, straddling his lap, grinding against his crotch while she kisses him. It's something they should be doing in private, not out here on the patio, but both of them seem too drunk to care.

"Maybe I'll just toss some sleeping bags out here and everyone can stay the night," Ethan says, assessing the scene.

"You have sixteen sleeping bags?"

"No, but some of these people are drunk enough that I could probably give them a towel and they'd think it's a sleeping bag."

"I think it's better if I take them home."

"Let's take the liquor inside." He goes to gather the bottles from the patio table. "They'll sober up if this isn't around."

When we get to the kitchen, he starts emptying what's left in each bottle, pouring it down the drain.

"You staying with me tonight?" Ethan asks as I dump the empty bottles into the recycle bin.

"Probably not. But I can stop by here tomorrow if you want."

"Stay with me." He takes a bottle from my hand and places it on the counter. "I like it when you sleep with me."

"I like it too but I don't want it to become a habit."

"Why not?"

"Because school's starting soon and you need to get back to your routine."

"What routine? When school starts, I'll go to bed and get up, just like I do now. Nothing's gonna change, Becca. I'll still want you beside me every night."

As much as I want to believe him, I don't. I know things will change once school starts. His classes, friends, and football will occupy all his time. And I don't want to see him only at night. Only for sex. The sex is great but if we keep dating beyond the summer, I'll eventually want more than that. I already do want more than that, but I keep telling myself I don't because I know this isn't going to last.

"Will you stay?" Ethan asks as he kisses my neck. He knows I get weak when he does that. I'll agree to most anything.

"Okay, I'll stay," I tell him.

He looks at me and smiles. "That was easy."

"Don't get used to it. That's not going to work forever."

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