Page 105 of Holding On

Chapter Nineteen

Ethan

Becca left an hour ago and I already miss her. We spent the afternoon in bed, then made dinner and ate outside on the patio and talked. We avoided talking about our families and instead talked about other stuff, like movies and music. It turns out we like a lot of the same things, which I already knew, but the more we talk the more I find we have in common.

After dinner, we went to my bedroom again because shit, when the sex is that good, you want to keep doing it. Then we watched movies until she left a little after eleven. Now I'm trying to sleep but the bed feels empty without her.

I get out my phone and text her. She's probably asleep but she'll see it in the morning.

Miss you, I text.

The dots appear as she texts me back. Miss you too.

You in bed?

Yeah, but I can't sleep.

Why not?

Thinking about my mom.

I call Becca, and when she answers I say, "Stop thinking about her."

"I can't. I'm so freakin' mad at her."

"She doesn't deserve it. You're just wasting energy being mad at someone who doesn't care." I realize that sounds harsh and say, "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I know she cares. I just meant—"

"No. You're right. She doesn't care. If she did, she would've helped me when I needed it. She doesn't see Mike and me as her kids. We're her past. A past she doesn't want any part of."

"So stop worrying about her. You can't change her. You just need to let her go."

"I would but she keeps coming back."

"You can't let her. Not if it's not what you want." I pause. "So do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Do you want her in your life? I know you say you don't, but is there a part of you that does?"

She's quiet, then says, "Maybe a small part." She sighs. "God, I hate admitting that."

"But by admitting it, and owning it, you can change it."

She laughs. "You sound like one of those motivational speakers. Maybe that should be your career if you decide not to play football."

"I'm serious. The only way you can change is by acknowledging the truth. And the truth is, a part of you still wants your mom to be part of your life. You're not ready to let her go."

"Which doesn't make sense. She left us. I shouldn't even care about her."

"But you do because she's your mom and she's the only parent you have left. I can see why you're not ready to close that door."

She gets quiet again. I wait for her to say something but she doesn't.

"Becca, you still there?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking about what you said."

"What are you thinking?"

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