Page 42 of Still Love You

CHAPTER TEN

Silas

I don't know what we're doing. Willow and me. Are we friends? Or more than that? I want to be more than that but she won't allow it, as evidenced by the fact that she told me to stop telling her I love her.

It hurt when she said that. More than it should have. I know Willow wants to pretend there's nothing between us anymore, but she knows it's a lie. She also knows that I've always been open with her. I tell her what I'm feeling. I don't hold back. And she knows I'm only this way with her. 

It's not easy being that open, but I do it because I trust her and because we're friends and because I love her. So to have her cut me off like that, telling me she doesn't want to know how I feel, really bothered me. Maybe because she said it right after we'd just had sex.

What Willow and I did tonight was more than just sex. More than just our bodies coming together. It was us reconnecting after two very long years. Us telling each other how we felt without relying on words. It was intense, both physically and emotionally, and when we were done, there was this moment where I felt she was finally realizing that what we have together is too good to give up. That we'll never find it again with someone else so we need to find a way to make this work.

But instead of saying that, she shut me out. I poured my heart out to her, even admitted I still want to marry her, and she told me she didn't want to hear it.

If I didn't love Willow so much, I'd accept what she said tonight and stop trying to get her back. I'd do as she asked and stop telling her how I feel. But I know that what she's asking for is not what she really wants. It's just her way of avoiding the truth, avoiding having to admit that she feels the same way I do. Because admitting that might mess up the orderly plan she's mapped out for her life.

Willow is all about order and structure. Being with me is too messy and unpredictable, even though I know deep down she craves the excitement that comes with the unexpected.

When she asked me about making wrong decisions, I had this glimmer of hope that I was starting to get through to her. Making her question whether that plan of hers is really what she wants. If that's really what will make her happy. But then when she told me to stop saying I love her, it was clear she was still committed to her plan.

The next day I get to work early and pick out flower seeds from the catalog Carl gave me. I know almost nothing about flowers, but I've spent years at the farmers' market helping my mom at her booth and I've seen what flowers people buy the most. I list those on the order form, then add some daisies because Willow likes daisies. She also likes roses but those are too hard to grow. I need easy, fast-growing plants.

At lunch, I'm not surprised that Willow doesn't show up. She said she might, but after what we did last night she needs time to analyze the million thoughts now running through her head. She'll try to apply logic to what happened, which won't work, so then she'll call one of her friends and try to talk it out. Eventually, she'll come to some kind of conclusion as to why we had sex and then she'll show up at my door and tell me what she's concluded. I know her so well that I can predict this will happen, just like I predicted she wouldn't show up for lunch.

I'm eating a slice of cold, leftover pizza from the other night when my phone rings. It's Trent.

"Hey, what's up?" I swig my soda.

"I broke up with what's her name."

"You don't even know her name?"

"I do. I just forgot."

"You went out with her for almost two weeks."

"Don't give me shit. I'm not good with names."

"Her name is Haley."

"That's right. You've got a good memory."

"You're pathetic."

"So since Haley's not around, you want to do something tonight?"

I'm sure I won't be seeing Willow so I say, "Sure. What do you want to do?"

"Let's play some hoops. I've got energy to burn."

"Your post break-up high?"

That's what he calls it. Most people get depressed after a break-up, but Trent finds it exhilarating. Sometimes I think he only dates girls for the high he feels after the break-up.

"You guessed it," he says. "I'm a free man. So you want to meet at the park? Maybe around six? We could grab a burger when we're done."

"I work until six. Make it six-thirty."

"Sounds good. See ya then."

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