Page 12 of Always Us

“So what did you think of Karen?” I ask him.

“I liked her.” He laughs a little. “And Frank really likes her.”

I jab him with my elbow. “Don’t start talking about them that way.”

“I’m just saying. He couldn’t take his eyes off her all through dinner. And she couldn’t take her hands off him.”

“She was just holding his hand. That’s it.”

“I’m pretty sure they do more than that when there isn’t a roomful of people around.”

“What are you saying? You think they’ve had sex?”

“Just forget it. Let’s go to sleep.”

I flip back around to face him. “They haven’t even dated that long! They can’t be doing that yet. You’re wrong. They’re definitely not doing that.”

He’s smiling. “Yeah. I’m sure they’re not. Now would you go to sleep?”

I lie against his chest again. “I’m starting to freak out about Saturday.”

This Saturday I have to talk about myself in front of a group of women. I’m supposed to inspire them with my story. My high school algebra teacher asked me to do it. He and his wife volunteer for an organization that helps young women who are struggling. Most of them grew up in bad homes, like mine, and some have been in abusive relationships or are trying to get over addiction. My teacher thinks I could be a role model for them. I’m scared to death of public speaking so I didn’t want to do it, but then Garret talked me into it.

“Jade, you practiced your speech a million times. There’s nothing to freak out about.”

“I don’t want you to go to the speech.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to see me screw up.”

“You’re not going to screw up. You’re going to do a great job.”

“See? You’re putting all this pressure on me and now I’m afraid I’ll screw up.”

“Stop worrying about screwing up. This isn’t a performance. Nobody’s going to be grading you. This is about you helping other people. Think about the women in the audience. Think about what they’re going through. Think about how you felt when you were just a kid, living with your mom. How did you feel back then?”

“Hopeless. Like nobody cared. Like I’d never survive. Like I had no future.”

“So pretend you’re talking to your old self. What would you say to that Jade to give her hope? To make her believe things would get better? That’s what you need to be thinking about when you’re up there giving your speech.”

He’s right. I need to focus on the audience and not myself. I keep making this about me, thinking I need to give a perfect speech as if I’m back in high school and need to impress my teacher. But this isn’t about that. This is my chance to maybe help someone see just a hint of light in the never-ending darkness that they think is their future. I lived in that darkness for years, but I made it out and these other women can, too.

“You think you can sleep now?” Garret asks.

“Yeah. Goodnight. I love you.” I don’t go to sleep right away. Instead, I lie there awake, replaying the words of my speech in my head. I have it memorized, but now I might change it a little. It sounds too formal and too much like the speech I gave when I was valedictorian, which was supposed to inspire my classmates, but really just bored them. It bored me and I wrote it. I start reworking my speech in my head and eventually fall asleep.

The next morning we arrive at the race at seven twenty-five. Luckily, it’s not too cold. It’s about 45 degrees, which is warm for November in Iowa.

Karen sees us and comes over. She’s wearing tight black running pants and a bright green workout jacket. I see Frank checking her out. She does have a good body. He gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Garret gives me a sideways glance and smiles. He needs to stop this. I cannot think of Frank and Karen together that way.

“Should we get our registration packets?” Karen points to the long line of people at the registration table. I’ve never done one of these races, so I’m not sure how they work. I follow her to the line while Frank and Garret wait by the race course.

It’s kind of awkward being alone with Karen. I’m not sure what to talk about.

“Thanks for doing the race with me,” she says. “It’s hard to find people who like to run.”

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