Page 47 of Lilly

Back when we lived in Connecticut, when we thought my mom was dead and my dad was married to Katherine, we always had a fireworks show at the house. And not just a few fireworks, but like an actual half hour show. My dad hired a company to set it up.

"It wasn't that great," I say. "There were too many people. Some years we had over a hundred. It would've been better if it was just family." I set my soda down and turn to her. "And by family, I mean you, Mom. You and Dad and Lilly and me."

She nods. "I wish I could've been there." A tear slips down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away. Holidays are hard for her. They remind her of everything she missed when she was gone. She tries not to think about that, but holidays seem to bring it all up again.

"Mom." I put my arm around her. "It's okay."

"I know, honey." She sniffles. "I don't mean to cry. It's just sometimes the memories come flooding back and I can't stop them."

"What were you thinking about?" I've found it helps if she talks about the memories rather than try to bottle them up inside.

"One Fourth of July, I went to drop off a food order at the one and only hotel in town. The manager had a small TV behind the desk and while he went to get the money, I watched a news program that was on. They didn't often show news about the U.S. but since it was Fourth of July, they had a story on it. They showed a parade and then some kids watching fireworks. There was a boy. He was about your age. You were fourteen at the time. He looked just like you. For a moment I thought it was you and I leaped over the counter to get a better look. The hotel manager thought I was crazy. He gave me the money and I left but I couldn't go back to work. Instead I walked down to the water and looked up at the sky, the same sky I knew you were looking at, and I prayed that you would know I was alive and doing everything humanly possible to get back to you and your father."

"Mom." I stand in front of her. "Even though you weren't with us, you were still there. I'd talk to you. I'd ask you for advice. I could feel your presence as if you were there."

I've told her all this before, many times, but I continue to tell her because it always makes her feel better when I say it. It makes her feel as though she was still part of my life during those years, which she was. I thought about her every day.

"I'm really bringing the mood down, aren't I?" She laughs a little.

I set my hand on her shoulder. "You need to talk about it. We both do. It helps us get past it."

My dad walks in. "Is everything okay in here?" he asks, seeing my mom's teary eyes.

"Everything's fine." She smiles and hands him his iced tea.

He doesn't ask her to explain. He knows holidays are difficult for her. They'll talk about it later.

"Dad, you really need to get some shorts. Nobody wears dress pants to a Fourth of July cookout."

My mom laughs. "He has shorts. He just won't wear them."

"They don't suit me. I feel ridiculous having my legs exposed like that." He looks down at his beige pants. "These aren't dress pants. They're casual. It even said so on the tag."

"I can't believe you ever got to him wear jeans," I say to my mom.

"I can't either." She wraps her arms around his waist and looks up at him. "Remember when I took you shopping for your first pair? We'd just started dating. I'll never forget the look on your face when I asked you to try them on. I couldn't stop laughing."

My dad chuckles. "What was even funnier was when my mother saw me wearing them." He looks at me. "It was when I'd just brought you home from the hospital and was trying to take care of you by myself. I was so tired I couldn't think straight so when your grandmother made a comment about denim pants, at first I didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't even realize I was wearing them. If it weren't for the horrified look on her face, I wouldn't have even known what she was saying."

Sometimes when my parents talk about stuff like this, memories from when they were dating or when I was a kid, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. Not from the memories themselves, but from the fact that my parents are together again. My mom's been back for years but sometimes, just seeing them together like this, talking about the past, makes me choke up.

She turns to my dad. "Are you going swimming? I left your suit out if you want to change."

"I don't think I will. The pool's pretty crowded and I prefer the lounge chair."

My mom glances outside. The kids are all in the pool with Jade, Lilly, and Reed. Ethan and Miles are chasing Reed, laughing as they try to catch him. I may be annoyed that he's dating my sister, but the guy's great with kids. I'll give him that.

"Poor Reed," my mom says. "The boys won't leave him alone. He can't get two seconds rest." She looks at me. "Between that and your father's behavior, I'm surprised Reed is still willing to come over."

"What'd you do?" I ask my dad.

My mom answers. "Your father keeps telling Reed about our target practice and showing him his gun."

I laugh. "You're still doing that? Shit, that's just mean."

My dad eyes me. "And you won't do the same when Abi starts dating? Or Hannah?"

I stop laughing, because the thought of that is not funny. I'll kill any boy who tries to get near my daughters. Okay, maybe not kill, but...shit, I don't know what I'll do. I can't think about it.

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