Page 142 of More To Us

"I'm sorry if I sound overly negative," he says, "but I'm just trying to be honest. If you really want to pursue music as a career, then do it. Just be aware of what you'll have to give up." He pauses. "Do you like your life? Your job? Where you live? Your family?"

"Yeah. I like all of that."

"Would you say that you're happy?"

"Yes." It's true, except when it comes to Kira. I'm not happy she's no longer part of my life, and until I get over her, I won't be completely happy.

"Then keep doing what you're doing," he says. "Keep your job and do music on the side. I know a lot of guys who do that, and I gotta tell you, they're a hell of a lot happier than the guys who do this for a living. In the end, it's up to you, but before you make a decision, think about what you really want out of life. Dreams can change. They're not set in stone. Some people get too hung up on them and can't let them go. But sometimes they need to go and be replaced by something better."

His words remind me of Kira and her dream to compete again. I wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she's okay. I think about her all the time. I worry about her. I wish she could see how chasing this dream of hers is hurting her, and hurting the people around her. As Paul said, dreams can change. That doesn't mean they have to go away. Kira just needs to replace her dream with something else.

And maybe I need to do the same. My dream of being a musician is one I've held onto for a long time, but maybe it's time to let it go. Because when I think about what I really want, it's not being on the road every night playing at bars. I've already done that. Every summer, Vandyl goes on tour and we play on the weekends in towns around Illinois. It was fun the first year, and even the second, but by the third, it started getting old. Staying at shitty motels. Playing dive bars. Getting paid next to nothing. I don't want that to be my life.

"Thanks for the advice," I tell Paul. "You gave me a lot to think about."

"It's just my opinion. If you want, I could give you some names of people in the industry. They could give you another opinion."

"Thanks, but I don't think I need that."

"Oh, I need to thank you again for helping my parents out with that tree. My father's stubborn when it comes to things like that. Always thinks he can take care of it himself when he really needs to hire someone."

"It was no problem. So are you coming out here soon?"

"Probably not. It's hard to get away."

"Your dad said you're between jobs right now."

"I am, but you know how it is. You get busy. Don't have time."

"Your parents would really like to see you. And they're not exactly young."

He chuckles. "You giving me advice now?"

"No, but I um...I lost my mom a few years ago so I'm a little sensitive when it comes to things like that. You never know when you're going to lose someone, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Austin. I didn't know about your mother."

"It's okay. I was just making a comment. I think your parents are really nice people...and well, you're lucky to have them."

I'm not trying to lecture him, but it kind of pisses me off that he never visits them. He's 55 and still has two living parents and he should be grateful for that.

"Well, I'll let you go," I say, "but thanks again."

"Anytime. If you have more questions, just give me a call."

We hang up, and as I set the phone down, a feeling of calmness comes over me. In just that brief conversation, I feel like everything is clearer. Like I'm finally figuring stuff out. I thought my dream of being a musician was a good thing, but it turns out it was holding me back. Making me think I was missing out on something when I really wasn't.

I'm happy with my life. I really am. I like my job. I like living in Chicago. And I like being in a local band, playing just a few times a week. I used to tell myself I wanted more than that, but that's only because it fit my dream of being a musician. But I made that dream when I was a kid, before I knew the realities of it. Now that I'm allowing myself to give it up, I like my life even more. I no longer have the pressure of trying to make something happen that I never really even wanted. Instead I can just enjoy what I have and appreciate it and stop wishing it were something else.

And when I think about it, I didn't give up my dream of being a musician. I've already achieved it. I AM a musician. I play in a band. A really popular band in one of the largest cities in the country. And that's pretty fucking awesome. And if Vandyl breaks up, I'll start my own band. Why the hell not?

An hour later, I head to the bar where we're playing tonight, a big ass grin on my face because I'm doing what I love to do. Playing guitar for people who like my music. And tomorrow, I'm going to work at an event that I had the idea for, organized completely on my own, and that carries my family name. And shit, that makes me feel good. I got nothing to complain about it. I can stop worrying about my future, thinking I should be doing something else, because I'm already doing exactly what I want to do.

I'm on top of the world right now, and the only thing that would make it better would be to have Kira back in my life. Maybe it's time I think about that. Maybe I need to at least talk to her again and see how she's doing.

"What are you smiling about?" Van asks when I get to the bar. "Did you get back with Kira?"

"No. I'm just happy to be playing, that's all."

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