Page 97 of A Study of Blood and Ichor

But there was nothing like that rejection I feared in Rory’s eyes. The way he looked at me, his eyes so full of understanding and lacking any judgment, I could have cried.

“Hey, hey.” He thumbed his palm across my cheek. “You don’t have to explain, not to me, not to anyone. You hear me?”

He cradled me to his chest, one hand stroking my hair. Lying together in the comfortable silence, I felt grateful for his presence. For once, I didn’t feel the need to run.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, and I peered up to look at him.

“Nothing.”

Rory hadn’t missed the way I’d said it too quickly, his brow quirking upward in response. “What’s wrong?”

I considered avoiding his question altogether, but my boldness got the better of me.

“Do you ever miss it being just you?”

A shadow of concern passed behind his eyes at the question, and he paused briefly to consider it. “I think I used to. But honestly, I barely remember what it felt like without Vain.” He turned his gaze to the ceiling. “I haven’t dreamed in seven years. If I had to miss anything, that may be it. But I know that I can never go back to how things were before. And I’m okay with that.”

I pulled my bottom lip from between my teeth. “It doesn’t have to be that way though.”

“Ava.” Rory’s eyelids twinged shut before he scraped a hand down his face. “Please…”

“I can help you,” I insisted. “I don’t want Vain gone. But if I can exorcise him—can separate the two of you—then you can live your own life. You can be your own person again.”

“Ava, stop,” he said. “I need you to get those ideas out of your head. They’re fantasies. It’s never going to happen.”

“Why not? Why don’t you want him gone?” My voice sounded hollow, shaky.

“You—” Rory stopped and exhaled loudly. “You wouldn’t understand.” I could tell he was biting back his frustration and yet I wanted to push him. I wanted to understand. I needed to.

"Do you love him?” I asked, all too quietly.

Rory’s gray eyes found mine, unblinking and earnest. “Yes,” he said. “For a long time now. And you can’t exorcise Vain because I don’t want him gone.” His voice was sharp, his words laced with the truth I had already guessed.

His shoulders slumped, and he reached for me. One palm rested against the side of my cheek as he sighed through his nose. “I don’t need you to fix me, Ava. I never did. I’m already on borrowed time.”

All the air whooshed from my lungs. I sat up slowly and Rory’s hand fell away from my face, the spot quickly turning cold in the absence of his touch.

“What the hell does that mean?”

He cast his attention down to the sheets, unable to meet my cautious gaze.

“I-I shouldn’t be alive… Vain is the only reason I’m not dead. He…fuck.” He released a shaky exhale as he scrubbed his hand down over his face again, biting back a choked sob.

Rory’s hands brushed over his tattoos. “Have you ever made a mistake?” he asked after a moment. “One you couldn’t take back and instantly regretted?”

I wanted to tell him that yes, I had. And I was all too familiar with the feeling. I knew it intimately. But it didn’t seem right to interject as I watched him struggle to find his words, his throat bobbing with every apprehensive swallow.

“I used to cut myself. I did it for years, but there was one night that was really, really bad and I…I spiraled. I went too far. I regretted it immediately, but it was too late…I was dying, and I didn’t want to. I knew I wasn’t ready. Vain was my second chance. He saved me by offering me a choice to act as a vessel for him in exchange for my life.” Rory looked up at me, and I caught the tears swimming in his eyes. “He’s so strong though, Ava. And I don’t know how much longer my mind will last. Vain says most vessels don’t take well to possessions. After a time, it warps their minds until there’s nothing left of themselves and the demon fully takes over. And I can already feel myself slipping.”

He took my hand in his, but I felt nothing.

“You can’t fix me, Ava. Either way, I’m already dead. I don’t know what I did to deserve for you to care this much about me, but just know that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Before I could reach for him or utter a single word, Rory retreated into himself and allowed Vain to come forward. The demon stared back at me with a pained expression, so hollow and haunting, it tugged at the creases between his brows.

“Tell him to come back,” I said, knowing Rory could still hear me and see me pleading. “We’re not done talking about this.”

“Ava, please—”

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