Page 83 of A Study of Blood and Ichor

“Stop looking at me like that,” I said, barely a whisper.

“Like what?”

Like you care about me. His expression was so far from lust. It had shifted to something deeper. Something I couldn’t bring myself to measure.

Love?

Vain’s lips twitched, and I realized my mistake. I had let my mental shields falter in a lapsing moment of shock.

“To call it love would be doing my feelings a grave disservice.”

I couldn’t breathe as he studied me, his obsidian eyes so piercing that my skin prickled uncomfortably under his gaze.

“My darkness calls to yours.” He edged closer. “Your blood sings to mine. Tell me you don’t feel it. Tell me that it doesn’t stir some twisted, dark piece of your soul, and I’ll walk away. I’ll break our bargain.”

The words of rejection lingered at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t force them out because I knew that they would be a lie. And it would be so easy for Vain to scent it.

I hated how right he was. How it felt like there was some part of me that had never truly been able to deny him, even given everything that he was. Vain was everything that I should despise and seek to destroy. And yet, it turned out this demon was far different than I had ever imagined him to be. He was…surprisingly complex—multifaceted. Kind in some ways, even thoughtful, while still being a ruthless beast and devious manipulator in others. But was I so starved for any sort of affection that I was willing to throw myself at the first thing that offered it to me?

No. I couldn’t allow that—I wouldn’t.

“I can’t deny it,” I admitted quietly. “But that doesn’t mean I will ever fully give in to you. You’ve never had me. And you never will.”

His thumb brushed back and forth over my wrist. “Why do you continue to push me away?” he asked. “Who was it that made you feel like you were unworthy of being loved?” When I didn’t answer, Vain’s lips twitched a fraction. “Perhaps it’s best you never tell me. Because I’m not sure I could keep myself from destroying anyone who has ever made you feel as if you were never enough.”

“That is exactly why,” I hissed. “Because beneath all your silver-tongued confessions and promises, you’re still just a monster hiding beneath Rory’s skin that does nothing but prey on the weak and hurt people.”

Vain’s brows shot up. “A monster?” he echoed. “You truly think that low of me?”

I felt his energy spike to an ominous level. Perhaps it had been a mistake to say it, given that he towered over me and held me in place.

“Let me go,” I whispered.

He did not.

“I only ask that you listen to what I have to say,” he said, leaning in slightly until I could feel the heat radiating off him. “I see you, Ava. I see all of you. You do not have to hide any part of yourself with me. All of the desperate and depraved pieces of your heart, the power and longing you feel in your soul. All of your strength, all of your darkness…I see it all, and feel like I am starving for you to see your own worth in the same way that I do.” His throat worked before he continued. “You have settled into every fiber of my being like an all-consuming ache that has only grown since the first moment I laid my eyes on you, and I would be remiss if I did not disclose to you the true depths of my desires.”

Vain’s words made my head spin, and I was strangely grateful he was still keeping hold of my wrist like an anchor to steady me. Yet, at the same time, a small desperate part of me wanted to run from him and whatever confession this was. It felt all too real. And I wasn’t sure that I was ready to entertain any more of what he had to say.

I could have sworn I heard his breath hitch in his throat. “I would give you the world if you asked it of me, mellilla. I would bear the weight of your grief, worship your strength, even all your hatred and cruelty if it meant that you could stand unburdened in your power. All of that would be the least I could offer you, and yet, I feel it still wouldn't ever be enough.”

Every belief I had about demonkind rushed through my head, a dizzying mess of everything I’d been taught. It should be obvious that Vain’s words were nothing more than intricate lies spun to imitate truth. He spoke with such intensity and raw desire, but demons lied. So why was I tempted to believe him?

“How can you feel all that? You’re just a demon.”

I half expected Vain to laugh, but his expression remained stoic as he stared at me. “You call yourself a demonologist, yet you don’t truly know anything about our kind at all.”

“I know enough,” I said. They were the only words I could manage that I knew wouldn’t become lodged in my throat.

His face inched forward, close enough that it would have been so easy to kiss him. I hated that I still wanted him. I hated how the warm fan of his breath across my cheeks made me breathless. Hated the inexplicable pull to bury myself in his chest like he was the only safe place in the world I could exist.

“And yet you still hesitate,” he said on a whisper. “Is that because perhaps you are beginning to realize that I’m not the villain you first took me for?”

I glared up at him through my brows, our foreheads nearly touching. “No matter what you are…you will always be nothing to me.”

Somehow saying those words didn’t feel nearly as good as I wanted them to. Maybe it was because as they left my mouth, all I could imagine was Rory’s consciousness swimming behind Vain’s black eyes and knowing he heard them all—that he was a witness to my cruelty and the hurt I intended to inflict by actively trying to push them away.

Vain dropped his hand from my chin, but I didn’t lower my gaze even after he released me.

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