Page 29 of Semi-Reckless

She didn’t need to ask what night he was talking about. That night had wrecked nearly every aspect of her life ever since. So, she grabbed his hand and psychically transmitted everything she remembered about the night she died.

He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as her memories flooded him. Their team entering the abandoned warehouse. Working in formation to clear the place. The demon appearing in front of her and hitting her with the full force of his power. Roan screaming her name, searing pain, then…blackness. Until she opened her eyes two-ish minutes later to find him hovering over her, his face drawn with a combination of panic, relief, and guilt. To her, in that moment, he looked like he’d aged a decade within the span of those minutes. Then she passed out, and when she woke up again, she was in the Section 8 infirmary. A nurse told her she’d been lucky. But she hadn’t felt lucky, because Roan was gone.

It wasn’t much. But it was all she remembered. He let go of her hand to grab more scotch. He skipped the glass this time and went straight for the bottle, downing what remained in two deep swallows.

When he was done, he took a deep breath, and his haunted gaze caught hers. After the longest pause ever, he said, “It took me four seconds to get to you. Four. That’s all. That four seconds was the difference between life and death. Your heart stopped as soon as he hit you.”

She’d never heard this part of the story before. When she woke up in the infirmary, her parents told her the demon that’d hit her was dead. She’d never asked what had happened to him. But watching the colors in Roan’s aura shifting, she knew. “You killed him,” she said quietly.

He looked down at his hands as if he could still see the demon’s blood on them. “The rest of the team subdued him while I did CPR on you. Once you were breathing again, I ripped his heart out.”

She swallowed hard. There was more. His guilt wasn’t caused by killing a rogue demon. And suddenly, it all started to make sense. “It wasn’t CPR that brought me back, was it?”

“No. It wasn’t.”

“You used your demon energy to save me, didn’t you?”

His tormented eyes lifted to hers. “Yes,” he rasped.

Haven sucked in a deep breath. Gabriel had done something similar with Addy to keep her alive when they were trapped in Nexxus. From what Addy told her, it was basically a demon marriage ceremony. But it only worked when both participants were willing to submit to the marriage. “If I was dead, I couldn’t consent to sharing energy with you. How did that work?”

“It was different for us than it was for Addy and Gabriel,” he said. “What I did was…more than sharing energy. It took more than half my life force to bring you back.”

She reared back. “What did that do to you?”

He shrugged. “I’m not as strong as I was.” His gaze dropped to the empty scotch bottle as if he was trying to refill it with nothing but the force of his will. “I can feel you everywhere. It’s like I’m…empty when I’m not with you.”

So that was why she’d felt so alone for the past two years. “Why did you stay away then?”

“In Nexxus, there’s no lower form of life than a necromancer. And that’s what I became when I brought you back. I dishonored myself and violated you. I don’t deserve to be in your presence, and still I’ve shackled you to me for the rest of your life. We’ll always feel this connection whether you want to or not.”

The rage within her started slowly. Just a little tingle of annoyance, really. But it only took a few heartbeats for it to spread through her like wildfire. “So, let me get this straight. The reason you’ve been avoiding me for two years, the horrible thing you’re so ashamed of, is that you broke some ancient rule from a dimension you’re not even in anymore, as taught to you by the father who tried to kill you, Gabriel, and my sister, and brought me back to life without my express consent?”

He had the unmitigated gall to look a little relieved that she was finally understanding. “Yes.”

Haven took a deep, steadying breath. It was the kind of deep breath that yoga breathing wished it could be, because she had to summon patience from the depths of Satan’s asshole to deal with this man. “What—and I can’t stress this enough—in the actual fuck did you think I would’ve said had I been able to consent to the energy transfer?”

His brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“Do you think I might not have consented? That I had a death wish or something?”

“Um…I guess I didn’t really think about that?”

“Apparently not, because you’ve been flogging yourself for over two years—and punishing me with your absence—for doing the exact thing I would’ve asked you to do if I’d been able to.”

He frowned. “That’s not?—”

“And, as if that wasn’t dumb enough, you’re holding yourself to the standards of Nexxus, which was a horrible shithole with no redeeming qualities for, except maybe that it gave us Fluffy, instead of this world, where you would’ve been revered by all of Section 8, especially my parents, for doing what you did.”

“Well, I?—”

Oh, he should know her well enough by now to know that he was not getting a word in edgewise anytime soon. “So, for doing the thing I would’ve wanted you to do, the thing my parents and everyone at Section 8 would’ve wanted you to do, the thing that was completely selfless and did great harm to you, you’ve been pouting and brooding and stalking me from afar to make sure I never got into any trouble or had any fun or was able to do my job effectively for two years. All while not talking to me or anyone else and, I’m assuming, listening to Hurt by Johnny Cash and other assorted depression anthems on repeat?”

Roan sighed and let his chin drop. “Haven, I swear to?—”

She poked her finger at him. “Don’t you dare get irritated with me, Roan Malek. This is all your fault, and not because of necromancy and consent, but because of your complete inability to communicate with me like a fucking grownup!”

He looked incredulous. “How was I supposed to tell you all that?”

---