Page 145 of Maybe You

“Then what is the point?”

“I was so incredibly jealous,” he says. “And then I went skydiving.”

“Well. I mean,” I say, “you went up there and got food poisoning, so calling it skydiving is a bit of a stretch.”

“I didn’t get food poisoning,” he says. “I lied.”

I stare at him.

“That’s a super weird thing to lie about. I mean, if your goal was to look cool in front of Theo, food poisoning was definitely not the way to go.”

“I was in the plane,” he says pointedly. “Jumpsuit on. Helmet on. Ready to go. The instructor opens the door and…”

“And?” I prompt.

“And I realize it’s really fucking high. And I have a son. And I’m not an adrenaline junkie. And I want to fucking live and not risk becoming a pancake.”

“Okay,” I say, still confused. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

“Because Theo was all pumped up about how cool his dad was and telling all of his friends, so I had a bunch of excited nine-year-olds in my living room asking me questions about flying and jumping out of airplanes and so on, so I couldn’t just go and be all, ‘Guys, I chickened out.’ I mean, yeah, a great life lesson and an excellent teaching moment. Whatever. Brock was jumping off cliffs on a motorcycle.”

“But food poisoning?” I say. “Really?”

“You’re not getting the point.”

“I’m really, truly not.”

“I panicked,” he says. “I felt like I was losing Theo. That maybe Kira would marry Brock and I’d be suddenly pitted against the two of them, and Theo would choose them and not me, and I completely lost my shit. It’s not like I planned to jump out of a fucking airplane. Theo was packing his stuff for his school break with Kira and prattled something or other about Brock and dirt bikes, and I spat out the first thought that jumped into my head to somehow show him I was cool, too, and then it was out there, and I just went with it, and since I was still in the middle of losing my shit even while I was on that plane, but somehow also vaguely aware I didn’t want to risk dying, I… uh… I rammed my fingers down my throat when nobody was looking, threw up on my instructor’s boots, and blamed the whole thing on salmonella.”

I blink, digesting that information.

“Wow,” I say. “So you were really committed.”

“No. Just filled to the brim with fear. Head to toe.”

He sends me an expectant look before he sighs and shakes his head.

“Do you see where I’m going with this?” he says.

“Am I supposed to?”

“He’s panicking,” Jordan says. “Sutton’s panicking. He’s afraid, and he’s panicking. You told him you were in love with him, and he panicked. It scared the shit out of him. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but people behave in truly irrational ways when they’re scared out of their mind.”

I stare at him. His words move through my brain. He says those things, and I know them. I’ve seen that panic he’s talking about. But when he says it out loud like this… it becomes real in a whole different way. More concrete. Not just a hunch I’m having.

I look down and clutch the back of my neck.

“I don’t know if it makes a difference,” I admit softly.

I can feel his eyes on me.

“Does he love you?” he asks.

“I don’t?—”

“It’s a yes or no question.”

I look up, gaze roving over all the people around me.

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