Page 128 of Under the Lies

“And what do you do at The Underground?”

“The same.” She smiles, but it’s full of secrets. Secrets I’m not going to get out of her.

“Can I ask you something?” I trace my finger over the condensation of the glass.

“What have you been doing this entire time?” she asks playfully, but when I don’t offer any humor in return, she sobers up.

“What am I supposed to do when this is over?”

“Then you get to go back to your apartment with your cat and return to life as usual.”

She says it like it’s nothing, but I hear the sadness in her voice.

It’s the same sadness that has found its way into my chest.

Going back to that life after all I’ve seen…is that really what I want?

I ignore the sadness in her voice as I’m hit with a realization.

What I was living before wasn’t a life. Existing without living.

When I left at eighteen, I had nothing to stand on. I got a clean start. No family name was going to carry me, I had to carve my own path.

I threw myself into school, into the art I once painted, but when I lost my granddad I slipped. Fell into a hole I’m climbing to get out of.

Who am I outside school and textbooks?

I’m still the girl that left at eighteen, looking for her place in the world.

I don’t want that.

I don’t want that at all.

My throat closes at the mere thought.

Not when I think I’m close to finding what I came home looking for.

I stand up from the table so abruptly Thea flinches at the sound of my chair screeching against the tile.

“Sayer?” she calls. “Where are you going?”

“Bathroom,” I call as our waiter walks past me with the food.

Heading down the hall that has the bathrooms, I march past to the last door and push it open. The cold air welcomes me as I step into the night.

I just need a little air, I tell myself. I just need to collect my thoughts and the restaurant was too loud.

Except, a little air turns into me slowly walking down the street and foot traffic weaving around my slow, lost steps.

But no matter how far my feet carry me, I can’t escape Thea’s words.

I know she didn’t mean them in the way they hit me, but it doesn’t stop the sting any less.

I don’t want that life anymore. The one I’ve spent six years convincing myself was right for me.

All because I got a little taste.

All because of Noah.

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