“Uh…yeah, no. I’m going to pass on that.”
“Why?” Beverly asks. “It could be just what the doctor ordered.”
“No way,” I say. “I can’t even handle myself. How am I supposed to handle a relationship, too? No. I need to work on myself.”
“Then, get working,” Beverly says. “It’s been four years—”
“I know how long it’s been! I was there!” I snap louder than I meant to.
“Momma?” Bella says, from her seat, her brows knitted in concern.
“Sorry,” I say. “I just got a little excited.” She nods and sits back in her seat. “I didn’t come here for a lecture,” I stage whisper to Beverly. “That’s what I go to therapy for.”
“Goodness, I hope not,” Beverly says.
I let out a sigh. “That’s what it feels like half the time. I know in my head that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I just do. If it wasn’t for me, Mark would still be here. Bella would still have a dad. His parents would still have their son.”
“Well, by that logic, it’s Mark’s mother’s fault,” Cora says.
“What?” I ask.
“Well, if she never would have given birth to Mark, he wouldn’t have died.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I say.
“Exactly,” Beverly says. “Just like you blaming yourself for a car accident is ridiculous.”
I open my mouth to argue, but I can’t. I know she’s right. But it doesn’t change how I feel. I keep hoping it will, but it just hasn’t happened yet.
“Look, let me find you a new therapist,” Beverly says.
“Can you? I’ve looked before, but it’s a small town, so there aren’t many options.”
“There has to be more than one,” she says. “Let me look and I’ll let you know when you come back on Wednesday.”
“Okay,” I say.
“Great,” Beverly says. “Getting help is a great step.”
I shrug. I’ve gotten help, been getting help, for a long time and it hasn’t helped yet. I’m just…stuck. But getting a new therapist might help. It certainly can’t hurt.
“Come on, honey,” I call to Bella. “Let’s go.”
“Bye!” Bella calls to Beverly and Cora. She skips out of the shop, looking a little lighter, a little happier, and that makes my heart glad too. Maybe there is some hope for us after all.
CHAPTER 3
Bella works on her homework while I clean the kitchen to prepare for dinner. I pull out the letter from her teacher and look it over. Bella’s grades are slipping, but only from As to Bs, so not bad, but I understand her teacher’s concerns. Best to catch this stuff early. As for the “bullying,” it also isn’t very bad—yet.
“Bella,” I say gently. I don’t want to fight with her and make things worse, but we do need to talk. “What’s this about you taking Chris’s pencil and hiding it during class?”
She shrugs, not looking up from her homework. “Just thought it would be funny.”
“Well, it’s only funny if everyone laughs, including the person you are playing the trick on, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Did you apologize?”