Page 98 of The Retreat

But I know why it’s bringing my world crashing down.

Colin doesn’t love me back, and he won’t. I’ve fallen in love with an act. A friendship.

I can’t let him see this. How stupid I’ve been. Fucking isn’t love, and I shouldn’t have conflated the two. This is just an arrangement. I have to act normal at practice or the entire world will know. Since Colin created our social media presence and we’ve been open to a couple of interviews, we’ve become an internet sensation. Everyone is rooting for me and us, and the national team is eating up the free press. Fencing has never been so popular, and we are swimming in sponsorships. Oliver had to hire a manager for us just to weed through them.

One wrong move and the entire world will know this is a scam, so I can’t miss team practice.

I wave at the photogs waiting outside our building before slipping into the car.

Colin is waiting for me in the locker room when I arrive. I give him a quick kiss before turning to my locker.

“We have twenty minutes. We are both early.”

“I didn’t have a good workout this morning,” I lie. “I’m going to use it to stretch out and try to get out of my head.”

I feel his gaze boring into my back. “Why not?”

“I don’t know. It happens sometimes. I’m in my head about how close the championships are.” I shrug, hoping I sound convincing.

“I’m sure it will be better as soon as you forget time exists again.”

“Mmmhmm.”

He slips in behind me and presses his cock into my ass. “Why don’t you let me help you relax?”

Fear creeps up my throat, and I suck in a breath as he reaches around, slipping his hand into my pants, but I grab his wrist before he gets to my dick. “I need to get my head back in the game. I don’t think sex will help that.”

He pulls back, and I know it’s a blow. But I have to protect my heart. I have to remain in control. I can’t let myself be in love with someone who doesn’t feel that way about me.

I will be left alone again when this is all over, and I have to fucking figure out how to survive alone. I can’t let it break me again. Oliver can’t keep saving me, and it’s not Colin’s job either. Any second this could fall apart, we could be found out by the internet, or Colin could decide staying with me isn’t worth it anymore since Cassie is going to marry someone else, and then what? I move back in with my brother and his husband? That isn’t an option.

I have to do this myself.

I turn around and cup his face, not wanting to hurt Colin. I know he’s sensitive, too. “You mean the world to me. I just need to get my head on straight for this tournament. Okay?”

He nods, schooling his face. “Okay.”

I rub my thumb over his lips. “I promise it’s me, not you.”

He drops his gaze. “I get it.”

We have a lot of highs and lows in the days that follow. I train as much as I possibly can, throwing all of my anxiety into fencing, and it seems to help our relationship. If we don’t spend a ton of time together, then Colin can’t notice I’m in love with him and trying not to be. We still do all our public outings, but it’s easier in public, because Colin doesn’t expect me to be me. Not fully. He knows I put on a mask to deal with strangers.

“Are you coming to bed?” Colin asks when we get home from the gallery opening we were at.

I pull the knot out of my tie, too exhausted from wearing a mask all night to wear it with him. “I’m going to go work on some footwork before I come to bed.”

A frown creases his brow. “Don’t you think you’re over training?”

“We’ve been out most of the evening. I barely had any time to work on stuff today.” That isn’t entirely true, but we did just spend a lot of time together.

“You had all day while I was at class.”

“Most people at this level train eight to ten hours a day.” That isn’t a lie.

“It seems excessive.” His frown turns into a pout.

“I know, but it will get better after qualifications.”

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