Page 94 of The Retreat

“Ridiculous!” Oliver grabs Isaac’s hand, and they storm from the room.

I smile up at Owen. “That was fun.”

“You know he’s not going to drop this.” He holds my chin and kisses me slowly, teasingly, and I melt against him. “But it was pretty funny.”

“If you don’t stop, we’re going to give the photographer something new to take pictures of before you get back to work.”

He kisses me again, lingering before he pulls away, smile faltering. “I’m sorry. He’s always been like this. I think it’s how he’s learned to deal with life.”

“What do you mean?”

He drags a thumb over my lip, then slides his hand back to cup my cheek.

“Oliver thrives on control. Growing up, he found by thinking faster than everyone around us, being more cunning, and sometimes ruthless, gave him power and protected us. He knows what our name means, and after all the shit we dealt with, with our parents, it’s how he protects himself and those he cares about.”

I think about that for a moment. I can see that. “I definitely understand it. I was taught early on to need nothing from anyone. It was a soft spot, something that could be used against me. But Cassie needed me. She might be the baby of the family, but she’s the only female, and there are expectations that come along with it. I’m sure you saw it with Olivia. The girls are expected to be quiet, do what they’re told, and ask no questions.”

“Yes, and for the men it’s okay to be ruthless, but the women have to do as they’re told. My sister noped out of that game early. I’m positive it’s why she moved to London.” Owen nods and leads me to the couch so we can sit.

“You need to go back to training. Not have me unload my daddy issues.” I hesitate because of the reserve Owen’s already shown today.

“Training can wait a bit.” He settles against the arm and pulls me down to sit in his lap with my back to his chest. “Tell me.”

“I experienced the same. The training started early, and even as a child, I knew it wasn’t okay. I was pushed to be aggressive, dominating, demanding while my little sister was basically told to sit down and shut up. I figured out when I was about ten that I wouldn’t stand for it. Cassie is such a sweet soul, a people pleaser with no self-preservation. If I didn’t stand up for her, my father would use her until there was nothing left, sell her off to the highest bidder, and not look back.” I let out a deep breath, but Owen doesn’t comment, just lets me get my thoughts together. “I’m worried about her. My father is still trying to sell her off. She’s been on a bunch of dates. One guy was in his thirties. She’s not strong enough to stand up to him.”

“We’ll protect her anyway we can.” He puts his arm around my chest.

I smile to myself. I’ve never been able to rely on anyone, not really. I had to just figure shit out on my own. Asking for help wasn’t an option. Having someone in my corner would be a game changer. “It was about the same time that I figured out I like boys,” I start again. “My father was furious when he realized I couldn’t be used as a bargaining chip later on. He tried to make me feel ashamed of it, like it was a dirty secret to hide away in the dark recess of the closet he wanted me in, but I couldn’t do it. He had taught me to be aggressive and demanding. Unfortunately for him, I used it on him. So when he would go after Cassie for something, I would make a scene. Dress in something he despised or say something uncouth. Anything to get his attention off her. I knew I could take his anger, and she couldn’t.”

Owen rubs my arm in a comforting rhythm. “I’m so sorry you felt like you had to do that to protect her. I’m sure Oliver has felt the same.”

I nod, even though I hate to think Oliver and I are alike. “I quickly learned that sex felt good, and I loved the rush it gave me when someone wanted me. There’s such a base-level power that’s completely addicting. Luckily, I’m hot.”

Owen chuckles but doesn’t disagree. “You’re good at it.”

“So I’ve used it to get my needs met. When I needed a hug, needed a self-esteem boost, I fucked. It’s how I feel loved, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s the only time I’m someone’s sole focus and I matter.”

He runs his hand down my arm and entwines our hands. “You are worth more than that, not that I’d tell you it was wrong. You should just be able to get a hug.”

“It’s fine. I’m used to it. I know I’ve never been good enough for my parents. Cassie is the only one who saw me for me and loved me anyway, but she needs me. I don’t know who I am without being needed. I’m only worth what I can provide. No one has ever liked me just because I’m me.”

“I like you for you,” Owen whispers.

I try to fake a smile because he does for now. “At some point, everyone gets tired of my shit. I need to be needed. It doesn’t matter how. Whether it’s making sure you took your meds, convincing Isaac his father is garbage, or knowing someone wants to fuck me. It’s all the same. And it’s always temporary. I’ve done it to myself. You don’t need me for things like med reminders. You’ve found a system that works. Isaac has Oliver. And anyone who fucks me only wants that. I’ll start running my mouth on purpose to push people away. That way they leave on my terms. I control it, and I don’t get hurt.”

“I have to take my meds when I’m traveling, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need you. I do.” Owen wraps our entangled arms around me, holding me against him until he surrounds me. He nuzzles my hair and kisses behind my ear.

With a shudder and my eyes closed, I say the words I’m most afraid to speak out loud. “I fought with myself a lot in the early days of this. I knew you needed to stand on your own feet and stop letting Oliver decide everything for you. I had to do the same thing with Cassie, but it worked so much better on you. Now you don’t need me as much. One of these days, you’re not going to need me at all, and I’ll be sent on my way.”

He’s quiet for a minute, resting his lips on my skin and just holding me. “I don’t feel that way. I think we work well together. I’ve always struggled by myself. I had friends. But I don’t remember being happy. Not like living here with you.”

“Why weren’t you happy?” I ask, not understanding at all.

“I just never have been. My earliest memories I remember being worried about everything, and my parents being annoyed by it at first, and then irate about it as I got older. They kept taking me to doctors, then ignoring the recommendations for medications or more therapy. They wanted to be told I would grow out of it.”

“What the fuck? They didn’t listen to doctors?”

“So it got worse, and I’d have panic attacks, and they’d ignore them or act like I was throwing a tantrum.” Owen shakes his head. “They hated that I never wanted to leave the house. They hated that I felt like I needed to bring all my important things with me when I left the house because I was scared it would burn down. They got tired of dealing with it, so they sent us to boarding school. They claim that isn’t the reason, but we were enrolled in a prep school in the city, then suddenly plans changed days before the start of fifth grade, and we were flown out to the middle of nowhere and dropped off.”

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