Page 64 of The Retreat

TWENTY-TWO

Colin

It’s strange how quickly you get used to things. Owen and I have been living together for a few months, and while I’ve gotten used to managing his medication, therapy schedule, practice schedule, and making sure he eats, it’s like I don’t know what to do without him here. The apartment is…oppressively empty. He doesn’t make noise when he’s here, but I can feel him. There’s a life, a pulse in the air that tells me I’m not alone.

Is he taking care of himself?

Is he taking the meds?

Is he eating? Is he sleeping?

I know he’s working hard, but how is he handling the pressure? Would he tell me if he was struggling?

I pick up my phone and hover over Oliver’s name. He probably wouldn’t tell me either.

Needing information, I search for training camp information. They usually have pictures and some information about each of the team members. I smile when I find an image of Owen doing conditioning drills. He’s sweaty, dark hair plastered to his face, and his shirt is sticking to him. He’s focused. Just seeing the image gives me butterflies.

Those are all good things, but there’s something about the man behind him, who is blurred, that gives me pause. I can’t make out what his shirt says, but I assume he’s not on the team. He could be a coach or assistant or something, I suppose, but there’s something about his body language that makes my skin itch. Is he watching my husband?

Is Owen even interested in a real relationship? I’ve taught him that sex can be fun and not sticky. Has that opened his mind to other possibilities? Since he’s been gone, it feels that way. Like he actually cares instead of just dealing with me because he has to.

I’m a first marriage for him. I know that. We have a time limit that he’s already figured out, but could that change? I’m terrified to hope for it.

Why does that fact make my chest feel like there’s a hole in it?

When I’m talking to him at night, I have butterflies like a schoolyard crush. He helps bring me the light, but when the call ends, I’m once again plunged into the dark. My head tells me that nothing he said means anything. He’s saying it in case someone is listening or because that’s what’s expected.

Shuffling the blankets, the subtle scent of Owen lifts to my nose. He’s starting to mean a lot more to me than I anticipated. I don’t know what to do with the emotions. It’s dangerous to love him, and I know that’s where I’m headed.

Tears form a knot in my throat and fill my eyes.

I hate myself for this spiral of anxiety. If he doesn’t need me, then I have no use, and who will keep me around if I’m not useful?

Dammit. This is going to hurt so much more than I anticipated when he’s done with me. He’ll be able to walk away unscathed and find a new partner. I’ll have to put on a smile and pretend like he didn’t take a part of me with him.

I don’t know how to even ask or have the conversation with him. Would he be receptive? Or would he think I’m nuts for even thinking this could be more? I can’t do anything until he gets home, so I just have to wait, but waiting feels like agony.

Owen is coming home today.

I can’t hold still. Anxious energy burns through me, eating at my ability to keep calm. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m everything and nothing.

Which version of Owen will I get when he walks in? Did he miss me? Does he wish he didn’t have to come home to me?

The sound of the front door unlocking hits my ears while I’m at the other end of the apartment. I run down the hallway and slide across the entryway, straight into my unexpecting husband.

“Shit!” I shriek, trying to catch myself and failing. Slamming into him is like hitting a brick wall.

He grabs me as I hit his chest, dropping his bag. “Fuck!”

“Sorry. Sorry!” I cling to him to not fall on my ass.

“Is this how you normally greet people when they’ve been away for a while?” Owen asks when we’ve caught our balance.

Nervous laughter bubbles up from my stomach. “Sorry.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Why do you feel like a brick wall?” Looking up into his beautiful blue eyes, I desperately want to kiss him. Would he accept it? Do I still have to earn them?

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