Page 61 of The Retreat

“That should be the baseline.” Colin sounds a little horrified. “Do you feel like that a lot?”

I roll the question around in my head. “Listen, I can’t remember the last time I felt that way, but it’s not unusual.” In truth, I think the last time I felt that way was maybe before we started hanging out a lot. Should I tell him? Is it weird?

“What’s that look for?” Colin asks.

“What look?”

“That one.” He waves at my face. “You’re like thinking about stuff and a lot of it goes through your expression. You smiled and then frowned. You got a kinda confused look for a second.”

“Is my face that expressive?”

“Of course it is. Way more than Oliver’s.”

I never thought about it. But I hate looking in the mirror, so I tend to not look at my face ever. “Well, a lot went through my head. It’s been a while since I thought about throwing myself off a building, which is good. And I don’t feel numb. Which is different for me. So let’s call that a win. If my therapist were here, he would tell me to put a smiley face on my mood board.”

“Do you really keep a mood board?”

“No, much to my therapist’s annoyance. I don’t do my homework.”

“You get homework in therapy?”

“Yeah. I thought all the therapists gave homework? It’s fucking awful.”

“Did you really think I’d have someone here?” Colin asks at length.

I half lift a shoulder. “I don’t know.”

“We have an agreement. I wouldn’t do that to you. I don’t want you to do it to me. And I know how important me not embarrassing you for nationals is.”

I felt a little relief, even though he probably could hide it well if he wanted to. God knows I was going to be away. I have these camps until nationals next year.

“Why did you end up messaging me? Was it just to check?”

I make a face, and I feel it that time. “Oh, there it is. God! I do that all the time?”

Colin nods, laughing. “You do it all the time.”

“Am I as bad as Isaac?”

Colin laughs harder. “No. Nowhere near as bad as Isaac. I promise. You just have an expressive face.”

“I do not like that. That’s going to make me fucking self-conscious.”

“So if you weren’t just messaging me, what is the real answer?”

“I was just thinking about you. I missed you.”

He still didn’t say it back. “Missed me how?” Colin asked carefully.

“I don’t like being alone in the hotel room. It’s nice living with you. So…” I break eye contact to look at my hands. “I don’t like sleeping alone. I like that we eat together, and I don’t know anyone here to do that.”

“You know, we can talk more. I thought you were busy, not calling me on purpose.”

“I am really busy during the day. But then I just come back to my hotel room and do nothing,” I admit.

“Are you eating?” He’s still clinical. I don’t like it.

“Mostly. They have a dietitian here, and they’re making me bulk. So I have to get all this fucking chicken and rice and broccoli.”

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