Page 79 of The Reunion

So, I wait, and Shaun lowers his hand and takes a shaky breath.

I am prepared for the speech I know is going to come out of his mouth because I have already thought it all, too, in the last twenty minutes. It’s been so good to reconnect and hopefully we can stay in touch, but we both got carried away and should never have …

‘I think we should give us a go,’ he says.

Wait, what?

I blink rapidly, not sure I heard correctly. ‘Pardon?’

Shaun repeats himself, and adds, ‘You and me. We both needed to go our separate ways ten years ago, but I think tonight has made us both realise that we made some mistakes, and this – us – isn’t all in the past. We could have a real future together, Steph. We’re endgame – meant to be, like everybody always said we were. Tonight’s made me remember how much I love you, and I think we should give it a real chance.’

I’m stunned into speechlessness, lips parted and unable to do anything except stare at Shaun and search his face in case this is some sort of joke, but he is entirely earnest. He carries on, emboldened by his own words, and paints a picture of the life we were always supposed to have together, the one he believes we could still have.

It’s a pretty picture, and so achingly familiar.

He talks about the big house we would have near good schools, the dogs and the kids and the weekend barbecues with friends and family and neighbours, the big white wedding and the holidays to France to visit his parents in the summer holidays, but not like it’s an old, half-forgotten daydream this time – like it’s the reality he craves. He tells me how happy and content we would be, how we’d do it all right, and would grow old together in the home we make, watching our children grow up and looking after grandkids in the school breaks.

And …

None of it matches up with the life I’ve envisaged for myself in the last few years. It’s all the life I thought I wanted when I was a teenager and in love, because it’s everything you’re told to want.

I’m shaking my head and Shaun reaches for my hands, an urgency glittering in his eyes and edging his words.

‘I know it’s scary, Steph, and I’m not saying nobody would get hurt – we’re both engaged to other people, and … I’m not saying it would be easy, but it feels so right, you know? It’s like you said – we got it all wrong. This is how it’s supposed to go, for us. We can still make that happen!’

‘That isn’t … Shaun, that’s not …’

I stumble back, pulling my hands from his, and close my eyes for a moment as I try to concentrate on forming a clear, coherent sentence.

‘I don’t want that,’ I finally tell him.

Now it’s his turn to stare, not comprehending. ‘What?’

‘I’m sure it would be a lovely life, but it’s not for me. I don’t want any of those things. I like my flat in the city centre, even if the only green we have is some house plants, because we don’t even have a balcony. I don’t want pets, and I don’t want children. I enjoy my career but I want to retire early, and travel. Maybe take up crafts, or cooking classes, or learn another language. I don’t want any of those things like you’re talking about, Shaun, and, even if I did … I wouldn’t want them with you.’

I cringe, hating how that sounds, even if it’s true.

‘What I mean,’ I press on, ‘is that I did get it all wrong, in doubting my relationship with Curtis. I wasn’t expecting all those old feelings to return so strongly when I saw you tonight, but – that was the mistake, giving in to them, letting them blind me to what I have. What I want. Who I want. We’ll always have a connection, Shaun, and you’ll always have a place in my heart, but … I love Curtis and if you’re going to ask me to choose, then, I choose him. Every time, I’ll choose him.’

Shaun’s lovely brown eyes fill with tears, but his face is slack with shock. I give him some space to digest what I’ve just said, not wanting to upset him or push him.

When he finally closes his mouth and nods a bit, his first question is, ‘Did you tell Curtis about what happened?’

It’s not a threat, I understand that; he’s only confused, and I sense the guilt there, too, and realise he didn’t tell Aisha anything. I’m too stunned to fully process that right now. How could he have not immediately confessed? Didn’t he feel even half as guilty as I did about what almost happened?

But in answer to his question, I nod and say, ‘Yes. I told him everything. And we still have some things to talk about, but I have to hope he’ll understand how overwhelming it was to see you again, and that even if I thought I wanted to kiss you, I was still thinking about him and feeling horrible and guilty for it. If that’s not something we can move past, then it’s something I’ll have to deal with, but I can’t just throw that away. Not for anything. I’m sorry, Shaun, but whatever happens, I just can’t picture a future that includes you in it.’

I twist my engagement ring around my finger, centring the diamond where it has slipped sideways, and I hope that my future will still include Curtis. But I know, in my bones, even as I look at Shaun’s stricken face and feel I’ve broken his heart all over again, that whatever happens next, I’ve made the right decision.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Hayden

‘Most Likely to Succeed’

I try phoning Ashleigh again but it keeps dropping or else goes to voicemail, so I hang up and send her yet another text.

Where are you??????? Starting to worry! Did you go home? Just let me know you’re okay?

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