Page 45 of Secrets Within Us

“Where can she get some air that isn’t crawling with the media?” I asked Boyd.

He turned and opened the door, motioning for us to follow him. “There’s a courtyard out back that is surrounded by the building, it should be empty.”

We didn’t wait to ask the agent for permission as I led Hadley out under the bulk of my arm around her shoulders.

We stepped outside into the barren courtyard before I felt her take a deep breath again as the door shut behind us, leaving us in icy silence. The temperature was just above freezing, and Hadley wore only a short-sleeved shirt, so I shed my jacket and wrapped it around her as I pulled her into my chest, resting my chin on her head.

“How can you stand to touch me knowing everything now?” Her voice was so full of self-contempt, and I ground my teeth to quiet the scream that wanted to rip from my throat to the skies in agony.

Agony for her.

I leaned back and slid my fingers under her chin, physically forcing her head back to look up at me. She closed her eyes and her nostrils fluttered in time with her lips as she fought to keep her composure. Tears broke free from the corners of her eyes and her forehead wrinkled as she lost her hold on the pain.

As I slid my hands under her legs, lifting her up, her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist, and I walked towards a chair positioned next to an abandoned ashtray on the wall. I sat down and wrapped my arms around her tiny body and held her tight as she shook with sobs against my chest.

First, I kissed her hair and her forehead, then I slid my hands under the warmth of my jacket around her shoulders and let them feel the softness of her skin under her own shirt as I pulled her impossibly close.

“Because I love you, Hadley.” I felt her body stiffen as I said those words to her, but I didn’t pull away or let her shrink in on herself any more than she already was. “You are so incredible, and I love every single thing about you, including your scars baby. None of this changes that for me.”

She tilted her head, and I felt her warm lips against my neck as she sniffled. “I don’t understand how you’re not repulsed by me,” She leaned back and looked at me. “I’m repulsed by me!”

“Nothing changed from this morning to right now for me, except now I have the answers I so desperately wanted from you for weeks. But how I feel about you sexually hasn’t changed. You didn’t choose any of it, you didn’t allow any of it to happen to you, Hadley. You’re a survivor, and I’m so fucking proud to even be in your presence.”

I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, leaving the contact light because I could feel how on edge she was already, and I knew even though she was afraid I’d be repulsed by her body, she was raw from telling everyone of her horrors. And I didn’t want to add to any pain.

She leaned her head to the side and deepened the kiss, letting her fingers tangle in the fabric of my shirt and pull me closer to her as my tongue pushed into her mouth.

I moaned when I tasted her for the first time all day and cupped the side of her face with my hand as I kissed her with everything I had.

I knew words were going to fall flat for a while with her, and that I had to use my actions to prove to her she was still desirable and still wanted by me.

“Do you mean it?” She asked, pulling back, and laying her forehead against mine, still keeping her eyes closed.

“Every word.” I kissed her nose and took a deep breath, filling my lungs with her scent.

“Even the ones of love?”

I smiled and let her feel the smile on my lips as I pushed them to hers again, softly. “Especially those.”

“What about everything that happened before Mike got there though, I still don’t know what happened to your family and—”

I silenced her with a finger on her lips and she finally opened her eyes and looked into mine. “When you have room in your heart for that story, I’ll tell you every single part of it. I don’t want any more secrets or lies between us, baby. But I want to help you through this right now in any way that I can. We can talk about all of that later.”

She took a deep breath, and I could see the fatigue in her muscles, even as she slid her palms flat against my stomach and chest and groaned when my body reacted the way it always did when she was in my arms.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it when you’re touching me like this,” I whispered to her lips before leaning in and taking a drink from them again.

She smiled against them before pulling back again.

I stayed silent and let her mind work out what it needed to in silent support.

“I think I have to go with them back to that prison. But I really don’t know if I’m strong enough to.” She whispered finally.

“If you let me, I’ll be strong for you. I’ll be right there with you the whole time, if that’s what you want.”

“I’m not sure if I want you to see it either, though. It would be unbearable if you saw everything and then—” She paused and shuddered, “didn’t want me anymore. I wouldn’t be able to stand it.”

“That will not happen, baby. I’m in this. Headfirst. Unapologetically. Without reservation.”

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