Page 136 of The Best Friend Power Play

Her.

As much as I love not having to worry about money and being in a position to help out financially wherever I can, I think a part of me will always feel not good enough for her.

Hear me out, because that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I actually think it's healthy.

I want what my parents have. When Pa looks at Ma, you can tell how much he adores and worships her.

He doesn't take her for granted. He realizes what he's got, and he expresses his love and appreciation not only through words, but also through his actions.

They'll celebrate their thirty-eighth anniversary this year.

I want the same thing in my relationship with Hannah.

I don't want it growing old or stale. And the way to make that happen is to work on it.

So I'm going to use that niggling little voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not worthy of her to my advantage. Every time I feel not good enough, I'm going to treat her even better.

I glance over at Hannah. A smile curves her lips, and she's completely absorbed in her book.

It's been great seeing her come into herself during the past five months we've been in Italy. For the first time, she has no twins, no work, no responsibilities. She can just do and be whoever she wants to be.

And I can, too.

I've really enjoyed culinary school, and when we get back to Comfort Bay, I'm going to look at studying some more. There are some fantastic five-star restaurants in town.

Who knows? I might transition and become a chef.

Either that or open a laundromat, but I don't love doing laundry that much.

Cooking might be considered an unusual pivot for a pro athlete, but I don't care what anyone else thinks. I'm taking a leaf out of Hannah's book and applying her mantra of if it feels good, do it.

For the past four months, I've been doing online sessions with my therapist from LA.

There was one last thing I needed to get some closure on.

Trevor.

Working with my doctor has helped me realize a few things.

I can't try to live my life for him anymore. That doesn't honor him in the way I hoped it would, and it only ends up with me feeling lost and confused.

I need to live my life for me, and by doing that, I'm truly honoring my brother's memory because that's what I know he'd want—for me to be me, not some version of him that he never got a chance to be.

It's been an interesting journey.

So much of my personality is interwoven with Trevor's. Do I really like Air Jordans, or is that something I picked up from him? Am I naturally an optimistic person, or am I channeling him?

At thirty, it's not an easy thing to unpack.

I also don't have to. At least, not right now and not all at once.

It's not about getting stuck in the past and berating myself or feeling bad for things that have happened. What's done is done. No amount of mental torture or anguish can change that.

It's about the present moment and making decisions—both big and small—that feel right to me.

And it's about the future—specifically, asking one very important question that will set the course for the rest of my life.

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