Page 4 of Walker

“And she would have been happy with any of those options, but I felt like a failure. Couldn’t give my woman the one thing she wanted. A family.” He shrugged and took a healthy swig of his water before frowning down at the bottle.

“Water doesn’t offer that kick to the gut you need to numb the self-loathing, huh?” I chuckled as he agreed.

“What do you know about that?”

“It’s my fault my husband is dead.”

“Thought it was a work accident?” Walker questioned.

“It was, but I was the reason he went in. Josh was a lineman. There was that hurricane that ripped through the panhandle, and they offered double-time pay to any of the guys who would travel to go help the crews there get power back up. Josh didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay home and enjoy some time off and go hit the casino with his buddies.” I blushed at the last admission.

It took me almost a year after Josh’s death to take the rose-colored glasses off about our relationship. Even though I had been ready to leave him before he died, suddenly death made him the man he was in the beginning.

Our marriage and finances had been in trouble before he passed away. He may not have been cheating on me with another woman, but gambling was the mistress he lied for and about all the time.

“He gambled away our savings and then started to dip into the money we needed for bills. I told him if he didn’t go work that job to get the extra money to cover what he’d lost of our bill money, that I’d take the kids and leave.”

“Fuck. Sounds like that was still a Josh problem and not a you problem.”

“It was, but his family blamed me anyway. They don’t even visit our kids anymore.”

“Sounds like you and your kids are better off.”

I winced. “It’s hard to reconcile my late husband – the gambling addict version of him – with the man I fell in love with. On the same note, his parents were always kind, loving, and supportive before his death. It hurt to have them turn on me, but especially on the kids as well. That was when I started blaming myself because my children were losing out on the relationship they should have had with their grandparents because I forced Josh to do the right thing, and it got him killed.”

“Did they know about the gambling?”

I shook my head. “If they did, they kept their heads in the sand and hid from the truth.”

“If you think they’d be a good support system for your kids, you might want to give them a hard dose of reality about why their back the money he lost.”

“Maybe,” I hedged. Part of me wanted to be able to give my kids their other set of grandparents back. The other part didn’t feel inclined to. While I understood grief made them pull away, what would happen if I let my kids get close again and they decided to drop my children once more? It wasn’t worth the risk of their future heartbreak to me.

“Do all the people here hold it against you?” I asked to change the subject.

“What I did to Poppy?”

I nodded as Walker sighed. “Some do, especially the old ladies of members. The ones who were around then, including Angel Girl and Keys.”

“Why?” Those two women were among my big bosses. They were the women at the top of the S.H.E. MC Empire, but they were also each married to a member of the Aces High MC.

“They caught a lot of flak for not having Poppy’s back. Not only did they know what I was up to in my drunken, pity parties and didn’t tell her, but they offered her no support when the shit hit the fan.”

“That’s shitty, but their actions were their own. Well, their inactions.”

“True but I was at the root of the problem. The women of S.H.E. aren’t like normal old ladies. They’re busy running their own world too.” Walker shrugged as he excused them from helping his ex-wife. “They get mad at me all over again whenever they visit the Cedar Falls Chapter in West Virginia. That’s where Poppy lives now. My ex-wife refuses to speak to or acknowledge them. Last time they tried to have an intervention of sorts to get her to talk to them. Poppy ended up shouting down the clubhouse. Something to the effect, “I didn’t exist to any of you when I needed a friend. I don’t exist to you when my life is good either. I have real friends now and I’m tired of you bothering me to assuage your own guilt. I moved past it a long time ago, and it isn’t my job to make you feel better about being a shitty former friend.”

“Wow, good for your ex. She sounds like a strong woman.”

He grinned. “She is.”

“You wish her the best, don’t you?”

“I do. She deserves it. As much as I hate to say it, her new man is perfect for her. He’s given her the family she always wanted, and he has her back in all things. I’m happy for her that she has that, especially after the shit I put her through.”

“We all screw up, you know? You shouldn’t let your past mistakes define you.”

Walker stared off into the distance for a good while. “Been working through my penance. Club took my patch for a bit. Got that back but didn’t want to involve anyone else in my shit until I could prove to myself I’m capable of being the man someone deserves.”

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