Page 80 of His Bittersweet Regret

30

Marsh

Opal wanted to know ‘why’, and I wasn’t sure my answers would do her any good. She already knew most of them.

“I’m not going to lie, so you have to be prepared to hear the truth.” She nodded; so I continued. “You already know why I even thought about doing it. I had the twins and Cramer in my ear about needing those experiences outside of you and the issues with my parents seemed to point to what they were telling me was true. I honestly felt we needed that time apart to make sure we were both what each other wanted and that we wouldn’t have regrets later on that would destroy a whole family instead of just the two of us.”

She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat. “I already had all that going through my head, plus what I said to you earlier about there being no excitement left in our relationship. I realize now, that was my fault. If there was something either of us felt was missing, it was up to us to communicate that or plan something to change it. Instead, I allowed myself to entertain that new and exciting feeling with someone else that night at the party.”

“Did you cheat on me with her? Is that why you were afraid to talk to me about everything?”

“No, Opal. I swear to you that I never cheated. We only talked, you saw that for yourself while you were at the party and that didn’t change after you left. But it was exciting, at first. And with everything else going on and everyone in my ear, I thought that feeling that excitement meant they all had been right.”

“I see,” she all but whispered.

“The girl from the party was the first date I went on after we separated, and it was a complete disaster. That initial feeling of excitement disappeared pretty quickly. We didn’t even make it through dinner before we called the whole thing off.”

“Then why did you keep doing it?”

“Because by then, I had already told you that we needed to take the six months, so that we could both be sure.”

“What would you have done if you wanted to come back and I had already moved on with someone else?” She asked.

“I would have hated myself forever for letting you go, but if it made you happy, then I suppose that would have meant that the break was the right thing after all.”

“You’re an idiot. Anyone can move on and end up happy with someone else. People do it all the time after a spouse dies or one betrays them. I was already happy with you and you took that away from me.”

I bowed my head in silent agreement. “You’re right.”

“And the other part? Why didn’t you talk to me before you put this plan of yours in place?”

“I was a coward. I knew if we sat down and talked about it, that you would talk me out of going through with it. I didn’t want to end up resenting you for taking that decision from me, when I had convinced myself that we needed to try it.”

We sat quietly while she absorbed what I had to say.

“I know what I did, and how I did it, was wrong. I never stopped loving you, Opal. I think that was the reason none of my dates ever worked out.”

“Obviously, some of them did. I had the proof, after all.”

“Are you sure you want to hear this?” She nodded. “With Gabby, the first woman I touched or kissed in any way, it was nearing the end of the six months. I think we were rolling into month five and Cramer and Brix yelled at me before my date. They both told me that I hadn’t given dating a real chance yet, and how would I know if I was doing the right thing still, one way or another, if I didn’t ever get intimate with any of the women.”

“So, once again, you listened to someone else, rather than listening to your heart.”

“I did. And that’s exactly what it was like. I tried being intimate with Gabby. That image Cramer sent you was literally as far as it went. Right after that, I disengaged from the situation and told her it wouldn’t work.” I sighed before continuing. “Gabby made a comment that made everything so uncomfortable, that I couldn’t go any further, even if I’d been more into what we’d been doing.”

“What was it?”

“The comment?” I asked, trying to delay her hearing something that would sound awful. Opal nodded her head, for me to tell her, and with my heart in my throat, I did.

“She said, ‘I want you to fuck me like you never fucked your ex-girlfriend.’”

Opal’s face scrunched up in distaste. “That’s gross. Who says something like that?”

“She did, and that’s when I couldn’t go any further. I wasn’t that into what we’d been doing to begin with. I’d been forcing myself, to prove a point. That wasn’t fair to Gabby, but then again, neither was her demand fair to me.”

“So, you just ended things there?”

“When she asked me why I refused to continue, I told her the truth. It felt like I was betraying the love of my life, even though we weren’t together anymore, and her request was nothing more than an in-your-face reminder of that fact.”

---