Page 79 of His Bittersweet Regret

“I haven’t won the lottery recently, that I know of, so there really aren’t any other options.”

“Please, just take this as something to consider, and know there’s no pressure. If you moved in here, and we started working on us again, we could still make it happen.”

I sat quietly, staring at my ex-boyfriend for a few minutes before I was able to respond. “Please, don’t take this the wrong way or as me being combative, but Marsh, even if I was inclined to do that, there’s no way I could take you up on that offer. Even if we were trying to work out how to have a relationship again, there’s still no way I’d agree to that anymore.”

“Why not?” He asked as his brows furrowed down to form a point toward the center of his nose.

I sighed before explaining something I didn’t think needed to be pointed out, but for the sake of argument, he really did need to understand where I was coming from.

“Do I need to remind you of what happened when you left me?”

“What do you mean?”

“You blindsided me. You took all your things from the apartment in secret when you knew I wouldn’t be home to see you do it. Then you didn’t even have a real conversation with me. You simply told me it was going to be that way and left.”

“We’ve been over that,” he said grudgingly.

“Okay, well, considering how you’ve already done that once, what’s to stop you from doing it again?” I shook my head to keep him from answering just yet.

“What if something happens, like with your family, and you have doubts again? What if you meet someone like that girl from the party and want to explore it? What if you just get sick of me, or things become stagnant again? What if you’re just unhappy and want a change? I have to worry that you might come home one day and kick me out. I won’t have a job, money, a vehicle, or even family that is willing to help me until I can get back on my feet.

“I won’t have anywhere to live, let alone take my son to, so then I’ll lose access to him. I hope you understand that I can never put myself in that situation again. Not ever, Marsh. Even if we were to get back together, I’d have to insist that all our finances stay separate, because I would need that security, especially after you took the money we were saving for a house with you. I know, you said you didn’t even think about that, and eventually gave my half back, but it still happened. That means I would need a job, even if I lived here. Otherwise, my fear of ‘what if’ would keep us from being truly happy.”

“Dammit, Opal. I’d never leave you high and dry like that.” My eyebrows rose in indication that he already had. “I made sure your rent was paid up last time. I thought it would be enough because you being pregnant wasn’t even on my radar then. Had I known…”

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is what happened and that I can never take the chance of being unprepared for the unexpected again.”

We sat silently again for a few minutes, both of us having lost our appetites along the way. “Okay, I get it. Again, it’s all my fault because I did everything wrong when I left, starting with ever even thinking of leaving you. I screwed up so fucking much. You have to know how badly I want to make things up to you. I know that I can’t ever take away the struggles, the things you saw, the impact my decisions had on you. I understand that. I don’t want to start over, because that means going back to a damaged relationship, one that my actions chipped away at relentlessly. I need to know if it would ever be possible to start something new?”

“Like dating?” I asked, unsure where he was going with that.

“Well, I’d have you move in tomorrow if you’d agree, but that’s not going to work until I’ve put in the work to prove to you that you and Austin are my only priorities now. Everyone else, and their problems, aren’t going to be put ahead of you two ever again. That’s where I went wrong before. Since I have to convince you of that by proving it, yeah, why don’t we start slow and date?”

I giggled at the thought. “We already have a son together, don’t you think that will make dating weird?”

“No. I think it just adds another dimension to our relationship.”

“What if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want to end up being enemies, for our son’s sake.”

“I could never be your enemy, Opal. I know you probably haven’t felt the same over the past year, but I promise you, if it doesn’t work out, we will do whatever it takes to co-parent our son in the healthiest way possible for him. We’re already working on doing that. Let’s work on getting to know one another again, and taking some time to date.”

“I would only agree to that, if we were both going to remain exclusive, and that doesn’t mean sex will be involved right away. So, if you can’t stay celibate and promise me…”

He cut me off. “I promise you, I’ve already been celibate since the one and only other time I was ever with another woman.”

I cringed at the reminder that he had indeed slept with someone else, when he was still the only man in my heart.

“I know it hurts you to hear it, but I can’t make it untrue and I refuse to hide behind lies, even ones of omission. There hasn’t been anyone else since. Not even a date, or thought of one.”

“But I went out with Joe,” I added.

“And it killed me to know that, but I felt it was only right to give you time to explore those options while not pregnant. When you finally agreed to come back to me, I didn’t want you to do it with any regrets that you never had time to explore dating other people, since I was given that same opportunity.”

“I never wanted to date anyone else.”

“I know,” he said sadly. “I’m sorry that I ever let other people confuse me, or that I ever thought it would be necessary. Opal, I hated it.”

“Then why, Marsh? Why did you do it? Why did you keep doing it? Why didn’t you talk to me?”

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