Page 38 of The Broken Beginning: Part One

“Well, it’s not for you to see.”

“Please, don’t.” He begged quietly. “I want to be here for him. For you too. I know I’ve been an asshole, and I’m sorry for that.” We both sat quietly as Declan greedily drained my breast. “Lily, I want to be in this, to be part of this family, but…” He trailed off, once again mesmerized as I switched sides with Declan.

The nurses told me that eventually, I would probably only have to feed him from one breast per feeding, but for now, as my milk was still coming in, it would take two. Judging by the amount of leakage I had, I was guessing he wouldn’t take much of the second breast this time, but I made sure to put him on it anyway.

Unfortunately, because of my nightie, this meant that I had one breast hanging out still while Declan latched onto the other. I tried to ignore my slight discomfort, but that’s when Merc started talking again.

“Um, did you need to do something with that?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I don’t have the right clothes for this. No one ever told me that I would need to buy new stuff or that my boobs would get this big. If you weren’t here, I would just have taken the whole thing off. So, what is it you want from me? I’m doing the best I can. Shit, Merc, I’m only sixteen and I don’t even have a mom who I can ask about this stuff.”

“You’re doing great. Sorry. I just didn’t know either.”

“Yeah, so anyway, you were saying that you wanted to be part of this family, but…” I reminded him.

“Lily, I…” It was obvious he didn’t know how to break the news to me that he wanted to play family, but just not with me, like that was ever in question.

“Whatever Merc. Like you fucking every whore who spreads her legs for you didn’t clue me into how much you don’t want me to be your wife.” I rolled my eyes again. “I already know that, so why are you trying to spare my feelings now? You certainly didn’t when I had to ride the bus home while you were picking up your girlfriend. You didn’t want to be my husband when I had doctor’s appointments and no way to get there, and was hustling to write college kids’ term papers so I could pay for it.”

“That’s just it, Lily. I don’t want you to have that stress. I want to do better with all that shit, but I just. I can’t be with you like that. It’s not you. There’s just no spark for me. I’ve never really seen you like that.”

“Except that one time when you knocked me up.”

He looked even guiltier, if that was possible. “I was angry with Brinley,” he admitted.

“Don’t. Please, don’t sit here and tell me how my son was the result of an angry, convenience fuck. What kind of piece of shit person are you?”

“I’m just trying to be honest. I don’t want you to get your hopes up for things that will never happen.”

“Trust me, I’m not delusional. And what the hell makes you think I would want you now?”

His head flew back, almost as if I had slapped him physically, instead of with a question. “What?”

It was my turn to laugh and truly mean it. “Jesus, Merc. Seriously? I had a schoolgirl crush on you at one point, sure. You’re a good-looking guy, and I have eyeballs. The thing is, you can be model-perfect, and your personality eventually makes you ugly to people who you’ve treated like shit. You made sure I never saw you as more than what you presented yourself as.”

“And what’s that?”

“A selfish, self-indulgent, womanizing, uncaring, frustrating, egotistical-”

“Okay, I get the picture, no need to throw in more adjectives.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I mean, I could totally keep going.”

“I’m sure,” was his sour response.

“None of that was a lie. You can be mad that I told you the truth, because sometimes the truth hurts, but you can’t be angry that I didn’t lie to you.”

“I’m not that bad,” he mumbled.

“Right. Because if it weren’t for my dad I would have starved to death while pregnant with your baby, or maybe froze to death. Although, we live far enough south, I think I would have just been really uncomfortable while I starved to death.” I chuckled. “But hey, I had my anger to keep me warm at night when I thought about your porn star ex-girlfriend driving around in the truck you bought her while I had to walk the six miles to the grocery store as you fucked the latest whore who was living with you. But yeah, you totally weren’t that bad.”

Declan stopped suckling and I moved him off my breast and up onto my shoulder so I could burp him as Merc got to his feet. I watched as he angrily swiped at a tear running down his face, but I refused to be moved by the fact that he was finally showing emotion.

“If you come to visit your son, you do it clean. You don’t come here drunk, high, or smelling like you just crawled out of a whore house. You shower before you walk into this house. You wash your hands before you touch him.”

“Jesus, I’m not dirty or diseased, Lily!”

I stared at him.

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