Page 2 of Letters to Lily

The gentleness gave way to a fierce kiss that singed its way deep into my soul. When I think back on it, I still feel the bruising pressure of his lips crashing against mine that night. The liquid heat of his tongue as it slid across my lips, demanding I open up for him was burned into my memory. There was no going back at that point, so I opened up for him. There was no thoughtfulness to it, just my complete surrender to him in that moment.

His right hand had come up to cradle my head just enough, so that his little finger was brushing at the fine hairs at the nape of my neck sending goose bumps across my tender flesh and down through the rest of my overly heated flesh. His left hand was snaking its way around my hip to cradle my ass as he pulled me tight up against his very hard, very aroused body. I had never felt Kade like this before. It was all very new to me, and while it was extremely wanted, there was a niggling fear in the back of my mind that we couldn’t come back from this if it went south. Well, I couldn’t come back from this. I wasn’t exactly sure where Kade stood on the matter.

Hell, I had been surprised when he’d asked me out to the party as his date just as much as I had been surprised by the other four dates he had asked me out on over the month before the party. He had made it clear that they were all dates, but not a single one of them had ended in a kiss, so I had my doubts about everything until the moment his sensual mouth was branding its mark on my soul in the middle of a frat party.

It became glaringly obvious in the next couple minutes that our heated kiss had become the center of attention amongst the people standing around the kitchen with us. Suddenly, I was hearing hoots and hollering where only moments ago there was just this blissful static, nothingness, as I was swept away by the tide of emotions that came rolling in with each lingering caress of his tongue. My face heated with embarrassment as I realized Kade’s hand was now groping my ass, and he had one of my legs tucked up around him, cradling his ass with my calf muscle. I had never publicly kissed anyone before, and here I was, suddenly halfway to sex with my best friend in the middle of a party.

That should have been the cold water that doused my heated hormones into submission, but it wasn’t. Kade snagged my other leg up, pulling it around him so he was carrying me with my legs wrapped around his middle, through the house, and into a bedroom. I didn’t know whose room it was, but it didn’t matter. As soon as we were inside and the door shut behind us, Kade engaged the lock and started removing my clothing for me. Before I even registered the fact that it was happening, I was standing in front of my best friend in nothing more than my, thankfully, lacey blue bra and panty set that Kristin had insisted I wear tonight. “You are absolutely stunning, Sash.” Kade’s words came out breathy as he reached up and over his shoulder to tug his own shirt free of his body, and I could have given him the same compliment if words hadn’t failed me just then.

I had seen Kade shirtless too many times to count, but never before when he was completely mine. His body took my breath away. He had such broad shoulders for a 19-year-old, and they tapered down to narrow hips seemingly held up to his body by all the defined abdominals that sat in between. His skin was still golden tanned even though we were just approaching spring. Before I could finish ogling his upper body his pants were dropping and with them, his boxer briefs were peeled away too. I just stood there taking it all in, and there was a lot to take in. As close as we were, for as many years as we had been in each other’s lives, I had never seen Kade completely nude. I was suddenly thankful for that, because I hadn’t really known what I’d been missing out on.

I’m not sure Kade even realized I was a virgin. I think he assumed that I had done the deed back in high school. Hell, he probably believed the rumors Scott Ass-hat Mackey had spurted about me during our senior year. I know Kade beat the crap out of him for talking shit about me in the locker room, but he never once asked me if it was true. He just looked hurt when I saw him after their fight. I never bothered to correct his assumptions. It was better that way, because I knew how bad it hurt me to know about all the girls Kaden had slept with over the years. A small, tiny, bitter part of me had hoped it hurt him to think I was with someone else too. Petty, I know, but now he would find out it was all a lie and that had me pausing for a brief moment.

“If you keep looking at me like that, all hungry, I’m not going to be able to go slow…” His voice was thicker, deeper, than I’d ever heard it before. The sound alone sent a thrill through me that had things tightening in my lower belly and heat flaring throughout my body. In the same moment, his hands were on me again, tugging behind my back at something. I realized a moment later what he’d been doing when my bra fell free from my chest, and his hands scooped in to take the weight of my breasts in his palms. “So goddamn beautiful,” he whispered in husky reverence before placing open mouth kisses down my neck, and further, tracing my collarbone until his lips met my breasts. As his mouth latched onto me, in a place where no other mouth had ever been, I was done for. My legs gave out and he swooped me up in his strong arms, walking me backwards to the bed that was directly behind us.

He laid me down there on some stranger’s bed, and proceeded to worship my body with his hands, his mouth, and his everything until my panties magically melted from my body, and he was sinking deep inside me. My harsh intake of breath and the tears that swelled and fell from the corner of my eye were dead giveaways for what I’d just given him. I’m sure he felt the give inside as well when my innocence broke away.

Kade stopped for a moment and just looked at me. I couldn’t understand what I was seeing in his face at that moment. If I had to put it to words, that emotion would be sweet torture. He looked lost and found all at once. “Sasha,” my name was a whisper from his lips. I didn’t want the night to end with regret, so I pumped my hips up into him, causing him to seat himself deeper into me. The hiss of air that came from him then let me know that my body had the desired effect. It distracted him from whatever internal struggle had been taking place.

He leaned into me then, his face buried in my neck where he placed the sweetest kisses as he moved in and out of me. “Sweet, sweet Sasha…” his words were burned onto my skin with those kisses as he made love to me. My heart was full to bursting as he took his time, making sure my body adjusted as with his torturously slow movements. Maybe that was why the pain didn’t seem to linger. The discomfort I’d felt gave way to something else entirely.

A fullness I’d never known possible before enveloped me, as if he was a piece of me that had been missing, and finally found his way home. A tingling, good kind of burn, started low in my belly as he continued moving, and before I knew what was happening, I was lost to the sensation, completely drifting off into another world where only bliss existed. “Oh God, Sasha,” his voice brought me back and then I felt the warmth as he emptied himself into me, his weight crashing down on top of my body.

I welcomed the feeling of being completely blanketed by Kade. It didn’t matter that it meant I had to breathe shallowly to accommodate the fact that my lungs couldn’t fully expand. “Sorry,” he murmured as he realized and slid off to the side, rolling me with him. He slipped out of me, and the ache of missing him there was almost brutal.

“Sasha…” he started, and I wondered if this was the point where he would express his regrets. I didn’t get the chance to find out because someone was pounding on the door.

“I hope you guys are done in there, because I’d really love my room back.” Some guy called out amidst a load of laughter from other partygoers who were nearby. As it turned out, we couldn’t even be the lucky ones who snuck off upstairs in a frat house where no one would ever know about it. No, we drunkenly crashed into one of two downstairs bedrooms where anyone could see. The walk of shame was not something I looked forward to after my first-time having sex, even if I did have my best friend by my side through it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to me. “Probably should have thought this through a bit before stumbling into a ground floor bedroom.” Kade kissed my shoulder and then got up and snatched our clothes off the floor where we’d discarded them. At least he hadn’t said sorry for the whole thing, just the choice of location. That was a start.

Kade held me close to him as we left the room to more catcalls than should be appropriate. My face burned with heated embarrassment as we moved through the crowd and out into the night. I wasn’t embarrassed to have been with Kade, just that I had always thought my first time would be a private moment, and instead all of those people knew what just went down. Well, maybe not the significance of it, but still.

Kade took us straight back to my apartment once we left the party. We were both lost in our own thoughts on the way back, making it a rather silent walk, but not an awkward one. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Sash,” Kade said to me as he kissed my head and left me standing there at the door. In the next moment, he was gone, and we never talked about that night again.

“Wow! I was there for most of that night, so I knew, but I didn’t know. Why didn’t you ever tell me that was your first time?”

I shrugged at my friend as I wiped more tears from my soaked cheeks. “I don’t know. I guess, everyone assumed I lost it in high school, and I never bothered to correct that because I felt so left behind.”

“Were you waiting for him?” She asked the question I’d often asked myself when I told other boys ‘no’.

I shrugged again. “I want to say no, that I wasn’t waiting for him since he obviously didn’t wait around for me. I guess that wouldn’t be completely true though. I’d always hoped he would wake up one day and realize I was right there in front of him, begging him to love me every day.”

Kristin turned for a moment and wiped a hand across her face before looking back in my direction. “I will never understand how you managed to keep all that emotion locked tight, having to watch him date other people for all those years. God, and you never even burdened me with all of this. Obviously, I knew, to an extent. I could see it, but I figured you were in denial or didn’t want to talk about your feelings for him. I can’t believe he never mentioned the fact that he took your virginity though.” She shook her head. “He had to know, right?”

“I think that’s why he never said anything. It was like he just stuck his head in the sand and ignored it. It just plays right into all my insecurities where he’s concerned though. Maybe he never said anything, because he knew he was bound to hurt me, and if he never heard the admission from my lips then it wouldn’t mean as much later when he…”

“I don’t think for a minute that boy is going to ever hurt you purposely. I see the way he looks at you.”

“Yeah? What way is that? Like the girl who has been his friend practically his whole life?”

“No, like the girl he never plans to let go of.” Her words were a token offered up to my battered heart, but I just shrugged them off and looked down at the plastic stick on the bathroom floor between us. “Yet, here I am, doing this alone. Well, not quite alone, but with the wrong best friend. No offense.”

“Thanks, I’ll be chopped liver today,” she quipped trying to lighten the mood.

“You know what I mean,” I told her as she pulled me into a tight embrace.

“I do, and I will be here for you every day that you need me. I think he will be here too, as soon as he pulls his head out of his ass.” We both sniffle-laughed at that as I worked on drying my tears.

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