Page 58 of Letters to Lily

“Yeah, but then you found us.” The larger meaning in her words wasn’t lost on me. I reached over and took hold of the hand she wasn’t currently using to stuff her face with pizza.

‘I love you.’ Those were the words sitting on the tip of my tongue as I watched her. How was it that I had to feel awkward about speaking them out loud? Instead, I squeezed her hand a little tighter before I let go and finished eating my own food.

The brilliant woman gave me an understanding nod before we both continued to eat in a comfortable silence. After cleaning up, washing our hands, and grabbing some drinks, we headed back to the couch and tucked in with her book again. I was fascinated as we cycled through the images of Sasha growing larger. I’d already seen a picture of the ultrasound revealing our baby as a girl, because there was one in Sasha’s journal. This one had an arrow pointing to her lack of a penis. The caption underneath read, “Look Ma, no penis!”

I laughed out loud at that one. “Kristin’s doing?” I questioned.

“Of course,” she answered with a smile.

Eventually we got through the book and Sasha reminded me that my mother still wanted a chance to apologize to both of us for her part in our temporary separation. I called my mom, gave her the address, and she made her way to the house. While I had been busy doing that, I noticed Sasha had been plugging away at text messages on her phone. When she caught me looking, she smiled sheepishly. “Everyone wanted to know if we were doing okay.” I glanced down at my phone where the only messages were from my mom, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

“Brad asked how we were both doing, but he wasn’t sure what to say to you without you taking things the wrong way, considering the situation.” My girl managed to get to tell me, diplomatically, as I nodded in return.

“I get it.” The truly amazing thing was that, without me saying a word, Sasha understood that I was a bit hurt over my brother texting to ask her how things were going and not me. I wasn’t entirely bothered by it in the way they probably thought. I understood he would feel comfortable asking her, but it was weird to know that he didn’t think he could do the same with me. There were several different levels of crap I had to dig through where that was concerned, but it was going to have to wait for another day.

“Brad and Kristin are out together with Mal. She said she’s just going to crash at their place tonight to give us some space.”

That sounded promising, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. Not that I wanted to jump right into bed and have sex with my very pregnant… hell, I didn’t even know what to call her anymore. Girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Best friend? My Sasha. My sweet girl. At any rate, sex might not be on the agenda, but I would give anything to just hold her through the night. To be able to wrap my arms around her belly, and tuck her into me… My thoughts were intruded upon by a knock on the door.

As soon as Sasha opened the door, my mom’s hand moved to her mouth in an act that was probably supposed to suppress her gasp. It didn’t. “I know I saw you earlier, when we both pulled up to my house at the same time, but I just can’t get over seeing you like this.” Her eyes trailed down to Sasha’s belly.

“Come on in, Helen.” Sasha stepped aside and swept her hand out before her in invitation. I also moved back out of the way so my mom could pass. Sasha had spoken to me earlier about needing to forgive my mom, and while I wanted to be able to do that, I wasn’t sure it was possible. It was difficult trying to make sure that resentment didn’t rule my life, no matter how much I wanted to forgive and forget. ‘If not for her bullshit theatrics and love for a man who didn’t deserve it, I would have been there.’ That thought was ever present in my mind.

As soon as my mom sat down on the couch, she spotted the scrapbook that Sasha and I had just looked through. She knew exactly what it was, and probably had an inclination of what it contained, but she didn’t dare reach for it. Something told me my mom didn’t feel she deserved the right to look. Sasha must have thought the same, because it was evident when she spoke.

“It’s okay if you want to look through it. Kade and I just did.” Sasha was definitely a better person than I was. “Helen,” my mom touched the book, but pulled her fingers back as if she had been burned when Sasha spoke her name. Her hazel eyes, so unlike my own unique coloring, sprang up to meet Sasha’s warm brown ones. “Before you get around to what you have to say to me, to us, I had something I wanted to say to you.” There was fear simmering below the surface of my mother; I could see it coming through in the way her hands began to shake.

Sasha just smiled at her then and simply said, “Let it go.” Her words stunned us all into a ridiculously long silence. When it was clear no one else was going to speak first, Sasha made her slow way into a comfy looking chair in the corner of the room and continued on. “We’ve talked about our own timelines,” she started out softly. “All of the things that went wrong and got lost in the most impossible ways have been discussed. We’ve all lost time, cried it out, and been strung through the ringer more often than I think any of us care to admit. The thing is, it doesn’t do any of us,” Sasha turned from my mother to me then, “any good to dwell there. Believe me, it takes a lot for me to say that, and will probably take even more time to put it into action. Not because I’m busy blaming anyone for any part of this,” she grumbled something about except for Jason there at the end. “The hard part for me is thinking about the moments lost, not why they were. That’s the part I have to reconcile myself with. I don’t know what it is that each of you needs to come to grip with the most. I do know that harboring resentment of any kind will just keep those wounds festering even longer.” She smiled at each of us then.

“So, Helen, I forgive you for whatever you think your part was in all of this, and if it’s in my power to do so, I absolve you of the guilt you feel. You made choices that had you following your heart, even if your heart was a dirty liar to you in this case.” She winked. “The thing is, Kaden followed his heart too. I will never, can never, fault either of you for that. If not for that rat-bastard Jason, who I can, and do, fault; I would have known what was going on. My phone and e-mail would have never changed; Kade’s wouldn’t have either. That is where the only fault in this whole thing lies. I promise you, had I known that’s where Kade was; I probably would have made my way there to be by both of your sides through your troubles. So, don’t put the weight of everything that went wrong on your shoulders, either of you. It won’t do any of us any good. This baby is coming soon and she’s going to need both of you to be present in her life. That is the only thing that matters to me right now.”

Speechless. This amazing woman left me completely speechless and looking at my mom through a new set of eyes. For once, I realized that I couldn’t blame her, because Sasha was right about every damn thing she just said. I leaned over and picked up my mom’s hand to place a kiss on the top of her boney knuckles. Her sniffles were growing louder by the minute, and I couldn’t take it any longer. I’d definitely punished her enough, more than I ever should have. I reached around her shoulders and pulled her into my side where she snuggled in and let herself go for a minute.

Sasha stood and left the room, only to come back a few minutes later with a box of tissues. I smirked in her direction. “Now you have tissues?” I questioned, teasingly. “Too bad for my shirt that you couldn’t find them earlier.” I winked as I said it, and she laughed lightly. Just that small sound was a balm to my heavy soul.

Chapter 27

Nov. 02

I suppose I beat Helen to the punch with whatever she had to say, because afterwards, once her tears were dried, she simply said, “Thank you,” and left it at that. We went through my pregnancy scrapbook with her. The amazing thing was seeing Kade get choked up all over again as we did. Helen didn’t stay long. She had meant what she said, in that she just wanted a chance to apologize. I simply told her it was never necessary to begin with, and it wasn’t.

As soon as she was gone, I felt the weight of the day settle into my bones. I was beyond tired, and ready to just call it quits, but I didn’t. I knew the reason I kept stalling. Kade was here, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to stand seeing him go. I was just about to ask him if he would like to stay when my phone buzzed with an incoming call.

“Hey,” I said to Kristin as soon as I picked up.

“I’m not interrupting anything am I?” Kris was good at hiding things, but I could still hear the emotion in her voice.

“No, you’re not. What’s up, Kris?”

“Mal is with someone,” she whined. I could hear music in the background, but it was muffled. I suspected she was in a bar bathroom.

“Mal is always with someone, you know this.”

“No, I mean he introduced this pretty little redhead to us as his girlfriend.”

I laughed then, “You mean his girlfriend for the night?”

I wished I hadn’t been making light because I heard her sniffle next before she cleared her throat and continued. “No, I mean, his girlfriend who he has been exclusive with for two weeks and was seeing off and on for two months before that.”

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