Page 5 of Letters to Lily

“Pervert!” It was the first time I’d really managed a laugh in a few days though, so I was more than okay with her gutter-brain antics.

“Seriously though, maybe they’d be able to shed some insight, you never know. Plus, they’re both freaking hot as hell! That eye candy can only help the situation.”

“Yeah, you know how I don’t like other people’s drama?” Kristin’s head nodded vigorously. “I also don’t like saddling people, especially strangers, with my own issues. I think I’ll pass for now, eye candy or not. We can just go over to Kade’s apartment after I get my phone situation straightened out and go from there. Just,” I grabbed hold of her hand like it was my lifeline. “Please, don’t leave me there alone. I’m so afraid of how this is going to go.”

“I’ve always got your back, Sash. Although, I don’t think you’ll need it. Whatever asinine excuse he has for not calling, I think he’ll forget all about it once he hears your news. If nothing else, I know that boy won’t be leaving his best friend high and dry.”

One whole hour and a new phone number later, Kristin and I were on our way to Kade and Jason’s apartment. I didn’t see Kade’s old beat up Honda Civic outside, but Jason’s truck was there. We knocked on the door and Jason came to it wearing only boxers, mussed up bed head, and a smile.

“Forget your panties, babe?” He asked in a silky-smooth voice before he looked up and noticed who was at the door. “Oh, what do you want?” Jason snapped at me, the smile falling from his face to be replaced by a hard look I certainly didn’t feel I had earned.

“I came to see Kade,” I replied a little meekly for my own taste.

He opened the door wider for me to come inside. I did so while Kristin shuffled in behind me before he could shut it in her face. He nodded his head back to Kade’s half-opened bedroom door and I walked that way. Jason waited until I could see inside before he spoke.

“Kade is gone. He packed his shit days ago and told me he was hitting up a flight to Vegas to go see his dad and maybe stay awhile.”

“What?” I cried out, not believing that for one minute. “Why on earth would he go see his father? Kade hates the man!”

“His exact words?” Jason asked incredulously.

I simply nodded to indicate that I wanted his exact words.

“I can’t deal with this shit or her ultimatums. I feel stuck between you two and I can’t win. I’m getting out of here for a while to clear my head. I may not like the bastard, but at least Vegas will offer a good escape. I knew better than to go there with her in the first place, and now, I see why I never did before.”

My jaw felt as though it was on the floor and I was barely holding back my tears. I took out a sheet of paper from the unused journal I still carried around in my purse and wrote my new cell number on it. “I, um,” my voice shook with emotion as I tried to speak. “I have a new number. If you hear from him, please pass it along. He can be mad at me all he wants, but I do have something important to tell him.”

Jason just nodded, took the paper, and then tossed his head to the door. We had officially worn out our welcome. I managed to make it back to my car, barely able to see the door handle through the tears blurring my vision. I clutched for it a few times, as the tears started free-falling down my cheeks, before Kristin interceded. “Oh, no you don’t. Go get in the passenger side, Chica. I got this.” My best friend then walked me around, tucking me into the car, before driving us both back to our apartment.

“I can’t believe that insensitive rat-bastard!” Kristin huffed out as she drove.

“Which one?” I asked, honestly meaning it at the time.

“Um, I was talking about Jason,” she offered while side-eyeing me briefly before returning her attention back to the road. “I don’t know the real deal, or even if Jason was telling the truth about what was said. He could have been making it up.”

“Why would he?” I sighed. “It’s not like Kade’s own actions aren’t backing him up a little bit, at this point. It’s been almost a week and he hasn’t called, texted, nothing. What do I even say to that? It’s not like I have been silent on my end. I tried calling and texting even before I found out I was pregnant.”

Another wave of anxiety shot through me as I said that word. It sounded so foreign to my ears in the moment, and my hands ventured straight to my still very flat and toned belly. “I’m…” the words died off before I could let them flow so freely from my mouth again. My head dropped back against the seat and I shuddered out another deep breath while trying to stave off more tears. Damn it, I had to stop crying. It wasn’t really like me to cry so damn much.

“It’s still a shock, honey. Let it settle in a bit. You’ll be fine.”

I’m so glad that she simply told me to let it settle in. Kristen was truly my best friend, because not once since she saw my positive test, did she ask what I was going to do about it. She already knew. We’d had this discussion on and off since high school. Especially when rumors flew of other girls that we knew who got abortions. I never judged them for their decision, but I always made it clear it wouldn’t be mine. There was no way I could live with the guilt that would accompany me following through with that type of decision. I’m sure I could, in theory, like everyone else.

I suppose it just boiled down to me not being brave enough to put it to the test. Besides, if the fates saw fit to bless me with a baby, who was I to say no to that little miracle? In all my ponderings over the years, I never thought I’d find myself in a similar situation though. It was my luck that this probably happened the first time I ever had sex with Kade. Even though it wasn’t planned, it was something I could have lived with, because he was the person that I dreamed of spending my forever with. He was the one that I was supposed to build a family with eventually anyway.

Tears fell again as I realized my eternity with him may have just been cut short, and I would possibly never know the reason why. Once we returned to the apartment, Kristen was nervous. I suspected it had taken her all this time to work up her nerve. I waited, as we made our way inside, to see if she would bring it up again.

“Sash, do you think maybe…”

“Just spit it out. Do you think he was seeing someone else? I wouldn’t have thought he could ever be a cheater after seeing what his parents went through, but…”

“Oh, God, no. I was just going to suggest that you make an appointment with the clinic, and you know, have it verified before you freak out anymore. One home test could be wrong.”

“Yeah,” I didn’t think it was wrong, but I supposed the stress of everything else going on could be causing weird things to happen with me that might mimic pregnancy symptoms. “I’ll do that now.” Ten minutes later I had an appointment for the following day at the school clinic. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about possibly not being pregnant, or having my pregnancy confirmed. Considering how things were currently playing out, it would probably be better if the test had been wrong. The weird thing was, just thinking that made me feel horrible, like I was betraying the potential baby in my belly. I was all over the place with my emotions, I realized, and suddenly I just couldn’t do it anymore. I went to my bed, curled up under the covers, and fell into a deep sleep. I wish I could say it was a restful sleep, but that just wasn’t in the cards.

May 1

I didn’t emerge from my room again until six the next morning. I got up, showered, dressed, ate my breakfast, and sat on the couch waiting for the appropriate time to leave for my early morning appointment at the clinic. I was aware that my roommate was watching me go through the motions of my life in a robotic trance, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I was about to have my fate handed to me by some person barely older than me working on their med school requirements. Taking care of me was a part of the students’ grade, but those results would rule the rest of my life.

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