Page 41 of Letters to Lily

“Not roses either then. The daisies are fine. She’s a colorful person. It fits.”

“What would you like the card to say?”

“Sorry I was a jerk, forgive me? Kade.” I dictated to him.

“I guess that covers it,” the old man laughed out. Where can I deliver these, and when?

“She’s working right now over at the diner on Clove St.” It’s the only diner on that street so he’d have no problem finding it. “It’s for a waitress there named Jenn.”

“Okay, son. I got it. I’ll have these delivered there within the hour.

“Thanks.” I left the florist, after paying, and walked around downtown for a while lost in my thoughts. I needed to get a grip and move on. While I still didn’t see a future of any kind with Jenn, I was going to try to stick it out and see where it went with her. I needed something normal, someone who was there for me. I needed something to make me forget about Sasha and the fact that she was having someone else’s baby.

Chapter 17

Oct. 29

What can I get you today, honey?” Bernadette asked as I sat in my usual spot in the diner.

“The usual, I guess.” My appointment today had gone well, but I was in a complete funk. It was the first appointment I went to that no one was able to show up for. I don’t think any of my friends or family realized that there wasn’t anyone able to go with me. If they had, I’m sure Kristin would have ditched class, my mom would have left work, and Brad probably would have skipped practice. Instead, I sucked it up and went alone. Besides, I had been trying to put space between Brad and me. He hadn’t really followed through too well with the go out and live and be a college student speech I’d given him.

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. At least, not until you start thinking about how eventually you’ll be raising a baby on your own. Sure, people will be there to step in and help or whatever. Essentially though, it’ll just be me that this little person depends on. It probably wasn’t helping my mood any that I hadn’t been sleeping well. I just couldn’t get comfortable.

“You look tired, sweetheart.” Bernadette smiled down at me as she said this as she delivered my chocolate shake.

“I am so tired,” I agreed.

“Can’t get comfortable, huh?” Bernadette slipped in the booth on the opposite side of me and took hold of my hand. “When I was pregnant with my Ashlyn, I thought I’d never rest again. What you need is one of those body pillows tucked up on either side of you. Sleep on your left side too; it’s best for your breathing and digestion.” She giggled lightly as she added, “I honestly don’t remember where I learned that. Probably from someone sticking their nose in my business the same as I’m doing to you. It worked though. Simply tuck a body pillow on each side. It’s almost like there’s someone snuggling up next to you.” Her knowing smile was a thing of beauty. “When my Henry was gone during the pregnancy, it was harder to sleep than usual, but the pillows helped.”

After offering up her bit of wisdom for me, Bernadette stood up and wrapped her knuckles lightly on the chipped linoleum of the table. “I better go get another pot of fresh coffee brewing. I see Mr. Tarkington on his way in. That man will not accept coffee from a pot he hasn’t seen percolating with his own eyes.” She rolled her own eyes at that and walked away. Bernadette always managed to get me to smile when I came in on days where I was frustrated with my life and feeling a small amount of self-pity. Although, my visits had become few and far between lately. The bigger I got, the harder it was to waddle around, and just going to classes and back home had become a chore that tired me out. That was ironic, because when I tried to rest, sleep refused to come.

After taking a deep breath, I tucked into my journal and started writing another letter to my daughter.

Dear Lily,

I just got back from listening to your heartbeat at the doctor’s office. It’s a weird experience to have someone pull out a tape measure, like they use at the seamstress, and start measuring your belly and poking around. You managed to make it more exciting when you kicked out at my belly and we actually saw the imprint of your foot. I literally touched your foot through my belly and started bawling like a baby myself.

That was one of the most amazing, magical experiences of my life so far. My only regret is that I was there in that office alone and didn’t have anyone to share it with except the doctor. Sure, I like my doctor, and a long time ago she used to be my mom’s friend in school or whatever, but she isn’t really anyone special to me. I thought of your dad today. I wondered what he would say, or how his face would look, if he had been there to see your cute little footprint.

I miss him so damn much. It kills me inside to know that he’s not here for all of this. He should be here. Even if he doesn’t want anything to do with me, Kade should be here to have these memories of you. It makes me equally angry and terribly depressed that I can’t get my wish. I am making a promise to you though. As soon as you are born, I will find him. I’ve already checked into a couple different private investigators, but they told me I’d do better starting with an outfit in Vegas since I think that’s where he is. The last guy I talked to, David, informed me that he would either have hellacious travel expenses or he would have to hire out help there anyway, which would only increase my costs. He’s checking to find the most reputable guy out available.

I won’t stop looking until I find him. I only wish I had tried sooner, and that’s on me, because I was too scared to face the heartbreak. Honestly, I’m not sure I could have survived coming face to face with him only to have him tell me he doesn’t want me, or us. I could maybe handle him rejecting me, but what if he says he doesn’t want you either? I guess that is my biggest fear. I don’t think he’d do it, but I didn’t think he’d walk away, move across country, and never speak to me again either. So, what do I really know? I know I still love him. It would break me to feel that that rejection, but I’ll handle it, for your sake. I can’t do it while I’m pregnant. I can’t put that stress on you as you grow. So, I’m waiting until you’re…

The bell over the diner door tinkled signaling someone had entered. My food was already sitting in front of me then, but when I looked up, I was met with complete and total devastation. The nosey waitress – the one I avoided now, whenever I was here – entered the diner with her head thrown back in laughter. That wasn’t the disturbing part of the scene in front of me though. No, that would be the fact that she was wrapped in the arms of the one person I wasn’t sure I would ever see again. There he was, laughing like he didn’t have a care in the world. Laughing, as though he were so very happy with where he was in life and doing it while his arms were wrapped around a woman who had stolen looks at my secrets. The secrets that involved him and our baby. I jumped to the only possible conclusion there was. He already knew. How could he not, since she did? Her reactions to the things she had read over my shoulder, and the questions she had asked me, now made far more sense. Kade knew and he simply didn’t care because he had left me and moved on with someone else.

So many questions burned through my brain all at once. Did he ever really leave? Had he been in Vegas? If so, how long had he been back? Why had he never attempted to find me? I still worked at the same coffee shop, for God’s sake.

My stomach started pitching and rolling. My entire body heated up with shame and self-loathing, and it was all I could do to grab my bag, stuff my journal in the top, and haul ass out of my booth. I don’t even think I left money behind. I’d have to call and tell Bernadette I’d bring it by later. I moved my hair so that the new curls I had to deal with – thank you pregnancy hormones - cascaded down around me to hide my face, and I was just pushing past the happy couple when someone bumped into me, knocking me down.

I could smell him. His scent, it was so clear. The spicy fragrance of his favorite body wash and something that was pure him, mingled to tickle my nose and my memories. He was reaching down to help me up. My hair was curtained over my face as I saw the hand he offered come into view. I could have sworn I heard the waitress saying, “Oh no.” But just then, he spoke, his voice crashing over me with its velvety smoothness. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…” My head had inadvertently snapped up as his apology for knocking me down flew from his mouth. His own startled gasp followed.

“Sasha?” His hazel eyes found mine, the gold flecks in them shining through the otherwise green expanse. My heart stopped beating for a moment as my stomach lurched once more.

The next couple moments of my life are not ones I would look back on with pride. I don’t think anyone could blame me though. The love of my life stood over me, seeming shell-shocked as his new girlfriend draped her body around his, while glaring at me as if I’d done something wrong.

I stood up awkwardly, even as gravity and the burgeoning size of my belly tried to hold me down. Then, I did what any self-respecting coward would do. I ran out of the diner as fast as my pregnant, waddling butt would allow me. For once, luck was on my side and a student was hopping out of a cab in front of the diner. I climbed in, and immediately yelled for the driver to go. He did, and it took a solid three minutes of him driving in the wrong direction with a panic-stricken face for me to finally give him my address. We had been heading to the hospital before the shock wore off enough for me to pull myself together and give him a destination. I suppose I would have drawn that conclusion to if I were the driver.

Maybe the hospital was where I needed to be. Didn’t they have heart surgeons there? Surely, there was something they could do to fix the ache in my chest. He was here. Kade was in Northbrook, with another woman, and the answer to all of my questions was that he didn’t care. Now that I had my closure, my heart crumbled a little bit more than it had before. We simply weren’t wanted. I patted my belly in a failed attempt to reassure my daughter that we would be fine eventually. It didn’t seem as though I believed it since I sobbed the whole way home.

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