Page 39 of Letters to Lily

“No, this is for me to read, alone.” I took it home to the apartment, and this is where my story began to turn into something else entirely…

“Honey, do you want me to box that up to go for you?” Bernadette was at my table, a curious look on her face. When I glanced around, I realized quite a bit of time must have already elapsed. My food sat, now cold, on the side of the table. I offered her a sheepish smile before I answered. “I suppose a box is necessary now. Sorry, I got carried away.”

“I could see that. I didn’t want to disturb you, but it will be getting dark soon, and you shouldn’t be walking alone out there any later.”

“Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“Did you get to finish?” She asked as she inclined her head in the direction of my now closed journal.

“No, I was just getting to the happy part, but I will finish it at home. It might help stave off some nightmares tonight.”

“I hope so, honey.”

Once home, and tucked safely in my bed, I pulled out the box of things I’ve kept from Kade. I haven’t actually been strong enough to look through the box since I moved from the apartment. Tonight, I have a reason to pull it out though. That letter, the one he gave me that changed everything between us, was inside the box. I tugged the white envelope out of the box and just admired it for a minute while drifting back to that moment in my mind. The lilies sat beside my bed in a vase in all their gorgeous glory while I cracked the seal on the envelope that day. I became just as lost reading the letter this time as I had back then.

Hey Sweet Girl,

I bet you think I’ve been out partying it up all weekend, huh? I would think it of me too. Jerk isn’t a strong enough word to describe what I’ve been lately. It was kind of you to just say I hadn’t been myself, and maybe I needed to hear that from someone who cares about me in order to snap me out of my own stupidity.

The thing is… shit… I guess this all started with prom, and now I have to go back there, actually man up, and tell you some things before this can go any further. I bought two tickets to prom. One for you and one for me. I was trying to come up with a special way to ask you, and I watched as you shot down one guy after another. Hell, it confused me that the answer was always ‘no’. I expected to have to fight to take you. Then, after a while, I wondered if you were waiting for a specific someone. It hurt, but I got my answer when Kristin walked up to us in the cafeteria that day and asked if, ‘he’ had asked you to prom yet. You shook your head and looked so disappointed. Actually, I think you turned a little green, but you looked around the cafeteria, at everyone but me. I figured you were scanning for the guy in question, and I begged off and left before I made an ass out of myself. I’d been about to ask you in front of everyone.

The next day, I was out of time. It was prom and I had missed my chance to ask anyone else, so I took Andrea. I had to give her your corsage, so the thing didn’t match her dress and she kept complaining about it all night too. When we arrived to pick you up, and you didn’t actually have a date, I thought something was wrong, and even though you were going solo I thought you had agreed because the guy you were wanting to be there with was going. Every time I got ready to go ask you to dance Andrea would grab me and head for the dance floor. She was saying things like, “You’re my date, stop trying to embarrass me and ruin my prom.” So, I never got to dance with you.

When I watched you walk out of the hotel alone, while I was on the dancefloor with Andrea for the last dance, it was like a punch to the gut. I didn’t want to dance with her. I didn’t want you to leave either, not without me. As soon as I could pull away from Andrea, I went after you. Kristin had realized, about the same time, that you were missing, and we ended up watching as you got in your mom’s car and cried. Kristin started hitting me and told me what a dumb ass I was, and that if I ever hurt you like that again she’d do horrible things to my manhood that don’t bear repeating.

I didn’t understand. I hopped in the damn limo and made him drive me back home. Long story short, I watched you and your mom burn that beautiful dress that turned you into shimmering moonlight that night. I also heard every word that was said. After you went inside, your mom had a chat with me and basically told me I needed to decide if we were going to remain friends or be something else.

I struggled all weekend with my own feelings and what I had heard you say, and I wanted nothing more than to ask you out then. Something kept stopping me though. The fact that you left mad, and never said a word to me. It kept kicking around in my head, and my damn heart, that if we tried to be a couple, and it didn’t work out, the same thing would happen. You might leave me behind without saying a word. I couldn’t stand not having you in my life. Just the weekend without you there in any capacity was sinking me. So, I chose our friendship, because I was afraid that I would screw up and lose you completely if I didn’t.

Mason, calling me out the other day, kind of hammered the nail home that I was losing you anyway. I was trying to put up these big shields between us romantically, so that you could get over your feelings for me, while I tried to bury mine in distractions. I never meant for you to get hurt by my actions. Okay, that’s a lie. Obviously, I intended for you to see me with all those girls so that you would be a little hurt and move on, but I didn’t realize what I was doing was also killing our friendship. I’m an idiot, and it took someone who hadn’t known either of us that long to point it out.

I don’t want to lose your friendship, Sasha. More importantly though, I can’t keep pretending that I don’t want more with you either. You weren’t the only one hurting over my antics. My partying ways increased to help me numb the shit I was doing to myself, and yeah, I was the jerk who growled at the guys that were brave enough to even think of approaching you. I just couldn’t bear the thought of you with someone else. Ironic, I know, since I was making you watch me basically whore around as a way to keep our friendship. My logic was obviously, epically flawed.

I’m hoping you won’t hold that against me too long. I’m hoping I haven’t damaged us so much that you no longer want me as a friend or anything else. Most importantly, I am hoping you will forgive my stupidity and see fit to ignore Mason’s date request and go out with me instead.

I need to say so much more, and it should come in person, not in a letter, but I honestly didn’t think you’d give me a chance to speak to you in person after that scene the other day. So, you get the written words instead.

I’ve been fighting this thing between us for a really long time, Sasha. I’m not sure I would have called it being in love with you way back when, because I was just a confused boy who wasn’t sure what to do with you for a while. Something changed in the past year or so though, and I couldn’t stop watching you. I couldn’t stop seeing you, all of you. It’s not often you get to look upon perfection every single day of your life and know it’s within reach, but afraid to touch because you might taint it. That’s how I’ve always felt around you. I didn’t want to ruin your perfect with my… well; I didn’t want to ruin you. We’ll leave it at that.

I love you Sasha, and I don’t know how in the hell I’ll ever make it in this world without you by my side as my friend, but I also know I can’t make it without you by my side as more than that. I gave you four perfect lilies for a reason. Four seems to be a lucky number for us. After all, I met the only woman I’ve ever loved in the fourth grade. Please, forgive me.

Always,

Kade

PS – if you can find it in your heart to also love me back, that would be the best thing ever!

I traced my hand over the words in the letter again, before tucking it inside the journal right where I’d left off with my last letter to Lily.

Chapter 16

Oct. 1

Hey dude, I haven’t seen you around in a while.” Andy called out to me from over near the coffee shop.

“I was just thinking how crazy it is sometimes that so many of us are in the same place every damn day, and I never see anyone from high school.” Specifically, I was wondering why I had been back to school for going on two months and still hadn’t happened to run into either Sasha or Kristin. Hell, I’d take Kristin at this point, just on the off chance that she’d lead me to Sasha. Not that I wanted to talk to her and ruin whatever she has going on in life, but just to see her and know if she’s happy or not.

“No kidding, man. It’s been forever since I’ve seen Sasha and then I ran into her today, and man that was a shocker.” Andy’s eyes went wide with his words. Chills spread out across my body just from hearing her name.

---