Page 36 of Letters to Lily

On the opposite wall sat one of those old fashioned rocking chairs with a lavender cushion, but just above it was a framed picture I had taken of a lily that looked just like the one Kade had given me way back in junior high. “Kristin!” I hissed out with a whole butt load of emotion.

“Yeah, Chica?” She was behind me, watching from the doorway as I lost my shit over the nursery.

“Of course, you would remember why I gave her that name. I don’t think I could love you anymore if I tried right now.” I broke down in sobs then, wishing there was a way I could thank this woman for sticking by me through the craziness that had become my life. She truly was the best friend a girl could ever hope to have.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, pulling me up off the floor of the nursery, and walking me over to the chair I’d just been looking at. “Come on, sweetheart, you’ll be more comfortable over here,” Brad offered as he continued to guide me to the rocker.

“So, do I get to hear this story now? Obviously, the lilies have special meaning to you for some reason.”

So, I told him the story about how my baby’s father was a ridiculously sweet idiot one Valentine’s Day, and how that perfect flower, in combination with that too perfect moment, were something I wanted to give to my daughter so she would know that no matter how things played out she was a product of love. She is my other perfect gift from her dad. Even if he couldn’t be here to see her.

“Man, every time I hear a story about this guy, I want to go punch him in the damn face. I don’t get it. If you two were so damn close and connected for all that time, how could he just walk away and cut off all contact?” Brad’s head was shaking in disbelief, but more than that he was visibly shaking all over. His body was vibrating with pent up frustration from the situation.

“Brad,” I spoke softly to get his attention. When he brought those gorgeous hazel eyes up to meet mine, I smiled in return. “I won’t apologize for, or hide from, my history with him ever. Having Lily’s dad in my life for so long helped to mold me into the person I am today. I was loved deeply by that boy, even if it doesn’t seem conventional or the way you or anyone else might have done it over the years. It doesn’t take away from what we shared, from my memories, or the emotions that still linger. I know it’s hard on everyone else around me. It’s hardest on me. There are times where I wish I could forget. I wish forgetting was an option, but then I feel my baby kick, and if not for all that history, she wouldn’t be here doing that. It makes it extremely difficult for me.”

He nodded his head as if in understanding. “I know all that, and I’m not asking you to forget or apologize. Truly, I’m not. I just get a little crazy thinking about how anyone could walk away from you like that. It just doesn’t compute with me.”

I gentled my hand along his jaw, feeling the prickly hairs that highlighted the fact that he hadn’t shaved this morning. “I appreciate everything you have done and are doing for me. I want you to know that, and I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say next. Please, let me get through it before you respond. Okay?”

Again, he tipped his head in acquiescence. “I can only be your friend,” I started, and noted the hurt in his eyes immediately. It was a palpable thing that seemed to diminish the bright amber flecks that were floating in the see of green and gray. “It’s not because you don’t deserve more, or that I couldn’t one day feel more for you, because honestly you are a catch.” I offered the last with a smile that he reluctantly returned. “The fact of the matter is, I’m broken inside right now. That’s no good for you, and it certainly would only make things worse on me. I’d feel guilty, for no good damn reason, but the feeling would be there, nonetheless. And I would resent your presence in my life one day, wondering if you being here is what helped to keep him from ever coming back. No matter what happens between Lily’s dad and I, I need for him to come back for her. I want that to happen. She deserves for that to happen, because while you’ve seen one big screw up on his part, you’ve never been there to see his capacity for love. I want that for my daughter.” I paused then as I thought about what I was saying.

“I want that for him too, because he deserves to have that kind of unconditional love in his life after everything he’s been through.”

“You,” Brad’s voice was thick with emotion as he stopped to clear his throat. “You are seriously the most amazing woman I have ever met. He was a fool to walk away from you, but I have to tell you… I’m not that dumb. So, I will respect your wishes, absolutely, but I won’t walk away from your friendship. If one day you decide you want more from me, then I’ll be there.”

“Brad, it’s not fair for you to wait for something like that. You’re 19. You have so much to do at this age. You’re a goddamn, hot, fit, football player who is supposed to be out there giving into all the panty-throwing, football groupies, not hanging out with your pregnant friend waiting for her to put all her crazy away. Please, don’t put that choice off on me.”

“Okay, how about this…” he started, giving me his sexiest grin possible. “I will make a concerted effort to go out and enjoy some partying here and there too, and if I happen to meet someone that I want to spend time with, then I will. No matter what I’ll be your friend through it all. If I’m still available when you’re ready, you’re mine though.”

I laughed at his resolve. “Well, I guess I can’t argue there.” I shook my head at him. “Thank you for all of this - for helping to get everything set up. It really meant a lot.” I realized then that Kristin had left us alone for our conversation. I guess she had ducked out when it got personal, in order to give us some semblance of privacy, but I had no doubt she was close enough to still hear everything that went down between us. I would probably also get an earful from her and plenty of advice later on.

Once I got my stuff together, I went about my day as usual. Classes, coffee shop duty, and then my heavenly milkshake run at the diner. It was much needed too, after the past 24 hours of emotion that hammered down on me. Thankfully, the younger waitress wasn’t around today. I was really starting to get skeeved out by her staring at me whenever we were in here at the same time. She always watched me or tried to sneak glimpses of my journal as I wrote. That really ticked me off. In fact, Bernadette, the older lady who worked here would come take over my table immediately if Jenn happened to be the one who attempted to wait on me.

“You having your usual, honey?” Bernadette called from behind the diner’s counter.

“Yes, ma’am,” I called back as I pulled my journal from my bag.

“I see it’s a writing day. I take it things haven’t been all roses this week?” Bernadette was beyond perceptive without having to sneak glances at my pages. I genuinely appreciated that part of her personality.

“It has been a dozy for sure. Writing it all down helps.”

Bernadette brought me my shake while we waited for the food to cook. She looked down at my journal as she stood beside me now. “I know it does. When my Henry was off fighting in Desert Storm, I used to write in my journal for every day that went by that I didn’t hear from him. On the days I would hear from him I was on cloud nine and would forget to jot down the happy memories too. I hope you don’t do that. It certainly makes for a maudlin looking life when you read back through pages and pages of doubt and heartache.” She chuckled.

“No ma’am. Mostly, I write letters to my daughter. One day, when she’s older and has questions, I want to know that I got every detail down. The good and the bad. Today, I was thinking about old memories I wanted to share with her. They’re the good kind though. Sometimes, when I feel my worst, I’ve found that sharing those wonderful memories with her on paper makes me remember the feeling and it sticks with me a little throughout the rest of the day.”

She nodded her head at me, her smile causing the laugh lines near her eyes and mouth to become more predominant. “That’s a good way to go about a bad day, honey. I may just have to try that one out some time.” She patted my hand that was still resting on the closed journal. “I’ll leave you to it then. Hopefully, by the time you’re done and leave here today you’ll have that glow back that seems a tiny bit diminished on your not-so-great days.”

“Thanks,” I call out to her as she walked away to check on another customer. The little wink she sent me as she moved away brightened my spirit. Bernadette was a kindred spirit who understood, at least a little, about what I was going through. I opened my journal and immediately put pen to paper.

Dear Lily,

By now you’ve read letters about how I managed to fall in love with your dad over time. You’ve read about our continued friendship, and how I always wanted it to be more. The story of how it became more has been something I wasn’t able to write about until now. I’m doing this for you.

You see, after the devastation that was my senior prom night, I sort of gave up on your dad for a little while. I didn’t date though, because I was nursing a broken heart. There’s a funny thing about nursing a broken heart. It becomes infinitely harder to do when you have to pretend to everyone that you’re not broken.

Kade and I started college together at Northbrook University the following fall. Kristin was with us too. Six months went by between that epic fail of a senior prom and us nearing the end of our first semester together at college. In that time, I quietly tried to piece together my broken heart. I also had to suffer through watching Kade going out with one girl after another. There were times when I would be standing beside him in the student union only to have a girl push me away from him the minute that he turned his back and couldn’t see what was happening. Usually, when it happened, I would just walk away and not say a word. Sometimes he noticed my absence and others, he didn’t.

One day though, those girls and their antics didn’t go unnoticed. Only, it wasn’t Kade who saw it happen. It was a friend of his - one of the guys from some art seminar he was taking. He just so happened to be extremely good looking too, and the minute Mason saw the same skank who had shoved me away three times previously, move in to do it again. The moment she pushed me out of the way so she could sidle up to Kade again, he swooped in and literally swept me off my feet before I could fall on my ass. I guess the girl got a little overzealous in her shove that time, or maybe I was lost in thought and easily knocked over. I don’t really remember the finer details anymore. What I do remember is the look on Kade’s face when he saw me in his friend Mason’s arms.

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