Page 35 of Letters to Lily

“Why would I follow…” finally, it was sinking in. “Oh my God!” My mom shouted. “I wasn’t even thinking. I should have followed her, and told her about the baby, and you could have told Kade.” Her whole face blanched white as a cloud as she realized the enormity of the opportunity that slipped through her fingers. Tears welled in my eyes as my throat tightened on the emotion I was trying to swallow down.

“When did you see her?”

“Two days ago.” She pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry baby. I don’t know why it never occurred to me. Had I actually seen Kade I would have bum-rushed him and probably given him a beating before I dragged his sorry but straight to you. His mom… it just didn’t… God, it didn’t even register until…” She stopped talking at that point because I was openly sobbing now.

“So much for that good day,” Kristin sighed as she came up and wrapped her arms around the both of us.

“Sash, wake up, baby,” he whispered into my ear before planting a soft kiss to go along with his sweet words. I moaned out my easy dismissive grunt to him, knowing that he would be there when I was ready to wake. “Aw, don’t be that way, baby. Come on; time to wake up, sweet Sasha. I need to be able to tell you goodbye.” His words were melodious to my ears even as they made me inadvertently scrunch my face up. What had he just whispered to me? Something about goodbye? I felt the bed dip with his weight and then the agonizing absence of it. “I tried, baby. I wish you had heard me when I tried.” This time there was an air of desperation to his voice that truly stirred me from my sleepy state. “I’ll love you always, sweet girl. Even if our always isn’t together.”

I woke to rapid-fire heartbeats, puddles of sweat, and his name on my lips. My pillow was wet and so was my face. I couldn’t even stop crying in my sleep.

“Sasha? You okay?” Kristin’s voice called through my door.

“Yeah, Kris, sorry. I was just… I had a bad dream.” I slid over in the bed and molded myself to the dry half of my pillow as I tucked the other one around my belly.

“Can I get you anything?” My roommate called out gently, still respecting my privacy by not opening my door.

“No, I’m fine. Just going back to sleep.”

“Is she okay?” I heard another a male voice ask.

“She’s fine.” Her response was more muffled than when she’d been talking directly into my door.

“Did she yell for you? I didn’t really hear what it was she called out, just the sound and you running.”

“No, Brad, she was calling out for Lily’s daddy. She’ll be fine. She has nightmares sometimes. Just let her rest. She hasn’t been sleeping well lately and her doctor told her to expect more sleep issues with the third trimester.”

“Okay, well, if you’re sure everything is all right, I have most of it put together already. I just need to finish up with the closet organizer thing tomorrow. The crib, stroller, and changing table are all set up now though.”

“Thanks for doing this. She had a really rough day, and it will make things all better in the morning when she sees everything put together in the nursery.”

“Anytime. I mean it, anytime either of you needs anything you just call. I’ll be here as soon as I can.”

“Especially if it’s Sasha that needs you, huh?”

I could hear him sigh even through the door. “I guess there’s no point in denying that, is there?”

“None at all. I wish you had met her last year. If you had gotten here before he pulled his head out of his ass and finally asked her out, maybe she would be happy with you instead. I know she likes you. It’s just hard, because she has a constant reminder of him growing inside of her.”

“They didn’t really date that long though, right?”

“No, they didn’t. But that girl was in love with him for a really long time. She wasn’t always his only choice, but he was always hers. It takes time to get over that kind of a connection.”

“I get that,” another sigh. “It fucking sucks, but I get it.” There was some movement away from the hallway outside my door and then he added, “I better get going.”

“Sure. Thanks again for all of your help.”

Now, my heart hurt for new reasons. First the dream about Kade saying goodbye, and now my fears about Brad’s growing feelings for me were confirmed. God, what a mess my life was turning out to be.

Sept. 11

My dreams were littered with memories, wishful thinking, and more nightmares. The star in all of my brain’s nighttime meanderings was Kade. I was doing so well yesterday, and then my mom had to bring up how close she had been to finding out where he was, and if he would ever come back. I wanted him back, and yet I was so angry with him, I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever be able to forgive him for everything he put me through. I wasn’t sure we could ever even go back to being friends. Granted, I still don’t know if Jason – or anyone else – has ever spilled the beans to him about the pregnancy. I would like to think that if someone did, he would come running back immediately though. I find myself wondering what would happen if he did. I thought about the fact that Brad was developing feelings for me, and if I wasn’t pregnant, maybe I could start to return those emotions.

When I think about things in that context it immediately spirals me down a rabbit hole where I wonder if Kade has met someone else yet. He doesn’t have a baby growing inside of his body as a constant reminder of me. Hell, he didn’t even bother with goodbyes like the dream version of himself, so maybe there was nothing about me worth remembering for him anyway.

Damn it, this is exactly what I said I wouldn’t do to myself anymore. This constant war with the what ifs. Instead, I made myself get out of bed, get showered, and then I went to see the nursery. I knew that Brad and Kristin had worked on it after I went to bed the night before, so that wouldn’t be a surprise, but seeing it looking more put together would still be nice.

“Holy crap!” I yelped when I saw the room. Kristin must have worked well into the night to do this. The crib, a dark cherry wood stood watch against the solid lilac colored wall. It wasn’t just put together though, there was a beautiful bed set already spread out in it. The sheets had lavender clouds billowing all around them, and the blanket inside had to be a special order because dead center of the beautiful ivory spread was a white lily whose tips bled out into a purplish-pink color. Tears were flowing down my cheeks before I could even move any further into the room.

---