Page 30 of Letters to Lily

“I bet you’re getting excited. Have you been feeling her move around a lot yet?”

“I have, and my roommate was in heaven the other night, because she got to feel her kick when we were watching a scary movie too.”

The waitress laughed then. “Lord, girl, that child was trying to tell you to watch something better than scary movies.” She smiled down at me. “A nice romantic comedy would probably do the trick. Lots of happiness and laughter. Babies pick up on that.”

My smile faded then. “I’m not really a big fan of romance right now,” I admitted. Her sympathetic glance told me she understood. I’m sure the other girl had already filled her in on my situation, diner gossip being what it was. “I need to get going. I have a night class tonight.”

“Sure thing hon,” she pulled my ticket out of her apron and handed it to me. I simply tossed a twenty down to cover my bill and the tip and I left without another word.

After my first night class of the semester, I was wandering down the pathway to the student parking area when a guy on a skateboard accidentally knocked into my messenger bag. For once, I hadn’t tossed it around my neck and over my shoulder as I was leaving class. Instead, I just had it hanging limply over one shoulder because I’d been tucking my laptop back in it as I was leaving. While the skateboarding fiend brushed by far enough way to keep from being a direct hit, something on him snagged my bag, and it went flying off my shoulder while jerking me around. Thankfully, it dislodged from my arm before I ended up going down with it.

“Sorry,” the idiot called out without stopping to help me pick up my bag or see if I was okay. I bent down, from the knees, because bending at the waist was starting to hurt my back, and picked my messenger bag up off the ground. When I stood, my hand automatically went to my belly as Lily shifted around and kicked a foot out hard into my stomach. Where my loose jersey had been hiding my baby bump all day, I had suddenly made it visible with that one movement and who should be standing there watching? Jason freaking Marlow, Kade’s old roommate, and the reason we were ever fighting to begin with.

His eyes went wide as he glanced from my face to my belly and back up again. I quickly let go of my protruding baby bump and turned to walk away. He never said a word. He didn’t call out to me; ask if the kid was Kade’s, nothing. He just stood there and watched me go. Well, at least now I knew word would eventually get back to Kade that I was knocked-up. Whether or not he thought it was his was a different story.

Chapter 14

Aug. 23

I was done with classes for the day and ready to just go home and throw myself on my bed. Three days a week I was inundated with my business courses, the ones that were apparently going to kick my ass if the syllabi were any indication. The other two days a week were my chill art days. I would start those tomorrow. Not to say art doesn’t come with its own fair share of work, but it feels entirely different to be loaded up with work you don’t mind as opposed to the crap that blows your mind instead.

“Hey stud, can you give me a ride over to the diner?” Jenn had come running up to meet me. We both had a class in the business department on the opposite side of campus from the diner during this time of day, and I kind of hoped it wouldn’t end up being a thing for her to ask me for a ride.

“Sure thing,” I agreed as we took off in the direction of my Jeep. Jenn and I had come to an understanding after we ran into each other a few more times. I was willing to be friends, with the possibility of more in the future. I had a conversation with her about Sasha and how I still wasn’t over her. I even explained how much guilt I felt from the night we went out to the karaoke bar and I got a mad case of whiskey dick. Even though we hadn’t had sex, and I didn’t remember going down on Jenn like she said I did, it felt as though I had cheated on Sasha. I explained the entire situation as I knew it, and she just sat nodding her head, looking a little pale at points, and then finally she said, “I think you’re worth waiting for.”

That one line made me start thinking differently about the girl. Maybe, she wasn’t as callous as I’d initially thought. Ever since then, we’d been hanging around one another a bit more, and chatting about anything and everything. It almost reminded me of old times back when Sasha and I had first found our friendship. Well, with the exception that the undeniable spark of something I had with Sasha was always lacking in this present equation with Jenn. I broke down one day and talked to my mom about it, at which point she said, “Some things are once in a lifetime. The kind of connection you and Sasha had is something most people never see even once. You should always cherish those memories.” Her eyes had glassed over at that point and she excused herself from the room.

I knew my mom was still blaming herself for Sasha no longer being in my life. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that the only two people to blame were Sasha and myself. Our circumstances hadn’t helped our situation, but if we’d communicated better the night before everything blew up, things might have turned out very differently. I’ve often heard people say, ‘never go to bed angry’ or ‘never walk away from an argument’ and I always thought they were stupid. Now, I knew better. Tomorrow is never promised, and damn if I hadn’t learned that the hard way.

The last moments I had with my lifelong best friend weren’t the way I would have ever wished to leave things between us, especially when all I wanted was to give her what she wanted. I let my damn pride and stubbornness stand in the way, and for what? I hadn’t even spoken to Jason since I packed my shit up and move it out of the apartment we used to share. That supposed best friend bond was the thing I was rallying for when I was telling Sasha it wasn’t fair for me to just oust Jason as a roommate because I wanted her to live with me too.

“Earth to Kade!”

“Sorry, I was lost in thought. That damn class fried my brain and it’s only day one.”

Jenn was doing her best not to glare at me, but she was failing. It was her not-so-subtle way of calling bullshit on where my mind had wandered. “You know, you’re never going to get over that girl if you don’t stop thinking about her all the damn time.”

Okay, I guess she was done with subtlety then. “Jenn,” I started, but she cut me off instead.

“No, it’s whatever. You did warn me, but one of these days it would be nice if you would really give us a try instead of always being a slave to the past, and things you can’t change, Kade.”

“You’re right,” I said, and for the first time in a long time, I meant it. I reached over and pulled her closer to me, wrapping an arm around her in a side hug. It was the best I could do in a Jeep. She sighed into my arm, and reached over to put her hand on my stomach. I kissed the top of her head, “Let’s get you to work before you’re late.”

A few minutes later, we were around campus and pulling up to the front door of the diner. “Will I see you later?” She asked before getting out.

“Sure, babe, just call me when you’re done. I’ll come pick you up.” There, that had to count as trying to move on, right?

She leaned back in and gave me a kiss before darting out to the sidewalk with a huge grin on her face. I guess I earned those points for trying after all. I found myself smiling as I turned to check traffic so I could pull back out into the lane. That’s when my heart nearly stopped.

I could have sworn I saw Sasha getting ready to cross the street as I was pulling out. The only thing that made my brain slow it’s roll was the fact that she was wearing a sports jersey, something Sasha would never do. Well, there was one other thing; she was a bit bigger than Sasha, who had always had a slight frame even though she had a generous chest size.

“Damn it,” I yelled at myself. Every time I tried to move on, it seemed like the guilt flooded my brain and it either made me think I was seeing her everywhere I went, or made me remember all those moments we had together. There was no chance of getting her out of my heart or off my mind if this continued.

Once I got home, I made the mistake of telling my mom who I thought I saw and why it couldn’t be her. She just gave me a look that I really couldn’t decipher before speaking. “Honey, I know you don’t want to hear me say this again, but I feel I really need to. Are you sure you don’t want to put some money into trying to track her down? She’s been a part of your life for so long. I don’t think you’ll be able to move forward with all the lingering questions of what happened in your head.”

“Mom, she moved on. I’m trying to do the same. If I go looking for her now, it will just destroy the little bit of distance I’ve been able to give myself from those feelings. And you know what? It will really suck if I have to deal with that shit all over again, opening old wounds that are still having trouble healing, only to see her with someone else. There’s a part of me that wants to, for sure. But there’s another part that is too much of a coward to try. I can’t do it if there’s a chance that I’ll have to endure her being with someone else.”

“I wonder how she felt all those years?” My mom questioned.

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