Page 20 of Letters to Lily

“I’m not sure,” Kristin admitted.

“Okay, hold still a minute, try not to move.” The doctor ordered as she pushed the wand around my belly again trying to get back the angle she had before I moved around. “There,” she positioned the curser in a specific spot and then wiggled it around. “You don’t see anything there, because there’s nothing to see. No penis, ladies!” She cracked a smile as she admitted that out loud.

“Oh my god!” Kristin yelped. I was slower to understand, but the minute it hit me the tears began to flow.

“A girl?” I asked through the emotion that was currently thickening my throat.

“A girl,” she confirmed.

The first words out of Kristin’s mouth were laced with pure heartbreak for me. “Good. I hope she looks just like you.” It wasn’t her exact words that broke me. It was what she meant underneath. If the baby was a girl, and looked like me, maybe my heart wouldn’t hurt with the constant reminder of her daddy. I had admitted to her one day that while I had always wanted to have a boy first when I used to dream of kids in my future, I was somewhat scared that it would happen now. What if I had a boy that looked like him? What if it broke my heart to see my baby? I knew she was being supportive in what she was saying, but that didn’t stop the heartbreak from happening on far too many levels.

“Can I get pictures of that? My mom is going to flip out.” I tried for a smile to hide my hurt. The doctor returned the gesture with an infectious smile of her own. The difference between the two was that hers was genuine, where mine had been forced.

“Of course, I already have them cued up to print, and you will have the entire ultrasound on the thumb drive you brought in for me anyway.”

“Yay! We can add it to the scrapbook.” Kristin had been taking pictures of my growing baby bump every two weeks since I found out I was pregnant. For every set of pictures, she printed one out and added it to my book along with the date it was taken, and how far along I was. Included with those were the first two sets of ultrasound pictures. I actually wasn’t supposed to be scheduled for an ultrasound this time, but Dr. Marsh and my mom went to high school together, and she felt bad that we didn’t get to see the gender last time. So, she snuck me in as a favor.

“Everything else looked good. The baby is still measuring on time, and you’re looking plenty healthy. Your weight is good. I was a little concerned about the dark circles under your eyes though. Do you want to talk about that? Are you sleeping well? There are natural things you can do to help with getting you to sleep if…”

“No, it’s not that. I just had an emotional day yesterday. I thought I saw someone… the dad,” I admitted. I hadn’t even told Kristin yet. “It couldn’t have been him. He moved away and didn’t leave a forwarding address, number, or anything. But, anyway, I was just seeing things. Still didn’t matter to my heart that I was wrong. It was a kick in the pants when I saw that Jeep drive by.”

“He never had a Jeep,” Kristin offered sympathetically. I hadn’t told her about it, because I didn’t want to see that look on her face. Ugh.

“I know. I told you, it was just my mind playing tricks.”

She patted my shoulder as Dr. Marsh wiped the gooey gel off my belly for me. “I’m sorry,” she offered. “I know your situation isn’t ideal. Do try to find some happy times in your days though. I truly believe the babies, even in utero, can key into mom’s emotions.”

“Yeah, stop depressing Lil’Bit.” Kristin teased as she playfully smacked my arm. “Maybe it’s time to write a real journal entry to her now?”

“Oh, journaling is a fantastic outlet for pent up emotions. I approve!” Dr. Marsh smiled at me then before patting my knee. “Okay, ladies, I’m going to head out and do my paperwork thing so I can get you on your way. Go ahead and get dressed and I’ll have the nurse bring the paperwork in as soon as it’s ready. I’ll see you in another month but know if you have any problems, or just need to talk, you can call. We’ll make the time.”

“Thanks, Dr. Marsh” I sat up, pulling my shirt down and trying not to dislodge the little napkin’s worth of material they gave me to cover up my lower half. As soon as the doctor was out, I pointed down to my lap and complained to Kristin. “I’ve seen hookers wear more material than this.”

Her laughter did what I had hoped and lightened the entire mood of the visit. I put my hands on my belly, remembering the news I’d just received. “I’m having a baby girl.” That time, when I smiled, it was more than genuine. I was bringing a daughter into this world. That was something to celebrate and be happy about.

“You are!” Kristin hooted out her excitement. “And she’s going to be the most spoiled princess ever. Now, you have to get busy finding a name for my niece.”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” I already had the baby’s name picked out, but I wasn’t ready to tell anyone yet.

“Crap, I have twenty minutes to get to work,” Kristin pronounced after glancing down at her phone.

“Go. They don’t usually take too long to get my paperwork out. It will be fine. This is why we drove separately after all.” She smiled at me, leaned down and kissed the top of my head. Then Kristin patted my belly gently. “See you both later,” she added reverently.

After my paperwork was in hand, new appointment made, and I was safe and sound back at home, I took the images from the ultrasound back out and stared at them for a while. Dr. Marsh had printed three pictures out. Two showed the sex and one showed the baby’s head and where she was sucking on her thumb. It was the cutest thing ever.

I placed the picture where she was sucking on her thumb on the refrigerator with a magnet. I’d wait until Kristin got home to add it to the baby’s book since we always did that together. One of the pictures showing the baby’s sex, I tucked into my journal after realizing Dr. Marsh had already labeled it with the computer. The top of the sonogram picture, aside from all the usual information, stated clearly, “I’m a girl!”

I chuckled over that revelation before I picked up my pen and decided to properly name my daughter by writing my first letter to her.

Dear Lily,

I know you won’t have a clue as to what this is about until you’re WAY older, but I wanted you to be the first person to hear your name. I said it out loud to you just before I started writing this, but I felt I needed to explain. First of all – congrats on being a girl! Girls rock! Be glad you weren’t born a silly boy, because I’m beginning to think they were all born deficient in some way. I’m sure by the time you read this you’ll be accustomed to my horrible sense of humor too, so you should get all that, and be laughing, or at least smiling to humor me.

I didn’t even have to think about what to name you if you were a girl. I’ve always known. Well, not always, but since seventh grade anyway. You see, way back then, I spent a very miserable Valentine’s Day being the only girl in class who didn’t get a single thing delivered to her. No flowers, no cookies, no cards or cute teddy bears. I wasn’t exactly beautiful back then with my braces and frizzy hair. Susan Andrews was a fraud that year. I found out two days later that the big bunch of flowers that came for her were actually from her dad, even though she tried to say she had an older high school boyfriend - who didn’t actually exist. Still, on that day, I was the official loser (even if she should have been too). When I walked home that afternoon, I didn’t wait around for my best friend, Kaden, like I normally would have. He was a popular guy, even back then. Instead, I left so that I could sulk alone on the way home. I wanted to get all of my sadness and disappointment out before my mom saw me, because she was just now starting to smile again after my dad – your grandfather – had died. It had been less than a year still, but closing in on that anniversary, so I didn’t want her to know I had been crying.

I didn’t want Kade to know I was sad either, because he’s one of those deficient boys I was talking about, and he would have stupidly asked questions and been clueless about why it was a big deal that I didn’t get anything. Well, by the time I took the long way home, moping the whole way, my walk had been twenty minutes longer than it should have been to start with.

“Hey,” I heard him calling to me from my porch. I was still getting used to the changes in his voice then. It seemed like just months ago Kaden’s voice sounded more like mine. Then suddenly he was started to sound like a man, aside from the times when he turned red because his voice squeaked, and I laughed at him.

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